Hey everyone. Yeah, I know. I'm in a constant state of hiatus, but I can't really help it. There have been a lot of things going on. I mean, honestly, I've been feeling depressed. I know, it seems like all the time I come on here, I announce the depression thing a lot, but how else would I express my feelings? And it's a lot of things, too. You know how sometimes, when you think about something sad, you think about something else that may have contributed to it, and it makes you even more sad, and that in turn makes you sad? Well, that's what's been happening to me. Like the less time I spend with my girlfriend and my family, it makes me sad. Then I start thinking about the reason why I'm spending less time with them and how hard it is to change the schedule and I feel so helpless and it makes me even more sad. Not only that, I seek the attention for myself so I can make myself feel better, and then I think about how I really don't have anyone to talk to outside of my sister and my girlfriend. And it hurts...it really does. I think about the stupid reason why my friends turned their backs on me. And like, when I get sad and down...I really get down in there. When I get depressed, I fall deep because I have a bad history and I can't help that. But what I can help is the factor that I'm taking steps to seek help. It's hard because I never used to, so it's a bit hard to start it going. That's what happened last weekend: I began thinking a lot about where I stand. Why am I still here. I work so much I rarely get to spend any outside time with anyone. It sucks. And I really needed someone to console me. My sister wasn't really around and my g/f....she sorta gave up on me a little to quickly because I was frustrating her. And I honestly feel that wasn't really fair. After two days...not even two days. I see her a couple hours after work and then we sleep. After about a total of 4-6 hours of trying to cheer me up and not succeeding--she gives up. The third day I come home mopey, she doesn't even want to put up with me anymore. How unfair is that? She tells me that I was all angry and everything, but I never directly yelled at HER or anything. Sure, I was pissed off at work, but I'm not directing my hatred towards HER. There were times when unfortunate events happened to her and she was down and she DID initially snap at ME. [b]I put up with it and didn't get mad back because i knew she was just frustrated with other stuff and not me[/b]. I have never yelled back at her because she was angry or frustrated. But I put my best out; if one thing didn't work, I tried harder on something else to cheer her up and keep her head up. All I wanted was for her to do the same for me. That's it. But I didn't get that. She said to when I complained about other people get to spend more time with her than me, "Baby, we'll be together." And that was [i]it[/i]. I'm a little far in a hole so one sentence is not gonna kick the depression away that fast. Especially because I honestly do question my existence here in this world and wonder why I'm even here [i]every single fucking day[/i]. Yeah, I'm a little pessimistic, but I tell people to be optimistic, and it sounds like I'm a hypocrite, but does that initially make me a BAD hypocrite? That I am pessimistic about myself, but I try to raise everyone else's head in optimism? Well, she called me a hypocrite about it. And it hurt to see that she didn't realize that I would do that for her, that I would go the extra mile and a half just to keep her chin above her shoulders. It hurt to hear that she gave up after a couple of unsuccessful attempts at keeping my head up. Whereas I would constantly find things to make her smile when she was down and depressed, and if that didn't work, i found pictures, i drew pictures, i sang to her, i drove out from work to her house knowing it was a far drive, all just to see her smile. For me, if one failed attempt at just trying to make me smile happens, at least know that I'm grateful that you tried, and it brings up my mood a little. That brings -5 up to -4. And then the persistence and different attempts will raise me well above +1. That's how it works. Then I find out that she thinks I'm too negative and she doesn't need that so she goes and hangs out with some other guy that doesn't have a negative mind to make her happy. Do you really think that's gonna make me any less negative than I'm already feeling? All it's gonna make me feel is that you don't want to try with me anymore. It's going to make me more depressed because you don't even want to deal with me. All I wanted was a little more effort, and that pissed her off. Where the other times, she's yelled at me, snapped at me and stuff, and I never ever got mad back and had a screaming battle with her. And she does that to me. Seems a bit two-sided and the advantage is unbalanced.

When have I ever gotten mad and given up trying for you? I just feel that this guy that you're hanging out with, the factor you're trying to get to know him makes it so your feelings are absent when you're with me. Because that's how you've been. It seems like you haven't been all there when I needed someone the most, and when the problem is up, you scream because I didn't tell you right away. Just like you never know when and how to tell me you hung out with another person that I didn't really like, and it slips out. I don't get pissed and start yelling. I'm just disappointed that you didn't tell me sooner. But I get over it. Why can't you just do the same with me. Yeah, I don't tell you ASAP, but its because it's hard to just walk up to someone and say, "Hey, I need attention. I've been thinking down on my life and feel like it's not worth it to burden others with it and been having recurring thoughts and images of suicide." It's NOT that easy. So can I at least get the same sort of leniency if I take a while to spit out what I'm feeling?

And then friends...all I have is Andy, but he's having his own depressing times and I try not to go to him when he is. It's bad to put two intensely depressed people together, and I know that. But when he isn't and he's feeling chipper, I can hang out with him. The only real problem is that our schedules overlap, just like everyone else (my sister), so it's hard for me to find a friend at the moment, especially when I have to drive out all the way to Long Beach to find a friend from Mission Viejo (30 mile drive). Jason...I can't really express my feelings and get a response that'll up my attitude about things; and I need opinions and help. There isn't really anyone else I can call. I just want to be better. Feel better.

I pray to God every night and ask for Him to help me get over the way I am. I cry every night wondering why I always burden the people I'm around and should I even be around anymore if all I ever do is frustrate people and make them mad because of the way I am. I pray to Him for things to change and have everything better. I pray to God now...just help me.

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There's been a lot of things going on: I'm no longer friends with Matt and the rest of the crew because of their shallow mindsets. I'm sorta in a relationship with Angie but things are on a hold because of some rules and a blooming relationship (she and I are getting closer with the things that are coming). My sister is in the third phase of her Drug Court (FINALLY). I got a job at a new high rise building and get to wear a cool suit and tie and stuff. I'm making NEW friends with people in a gaming industry company (K2 Networks, makers of War Rock and Knight Online). Only problems are that I'm slowly going into debt because of the payroll people not doing their jobs. Other than that, I can say life is sorta so so. I wish things would get better faster, but they aren't really yet. There's too much to explain but please, wish me luck my friends. I miss all of you.

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Hey everyone. I know, its been a long time, but there has been a lot going on. I know, I say that all the time after a long absence, but this time, it's more emotional than anything else. Things such as depression because I start thinking about how my life has turned out. Its funny because before, I used to do everything for others to be happy. To keep them happy because to see them happy made me happy. Not so recently, I've discovered that it was leading me to my demise. I started to be not so happy because everything I did, became more and more incomplete for them. Whatever I did was never, ever enough to keep them (my friends, family, etc.) happy. Well, needless to say, I had the epiphany to change that and do EVERYTHING for myself. And well, what do you know? It's still not enough. I began to be a bit more selfish (in a good way) and take care of myself and do things for myself and now, Matt and Jay HATE me. They haven't picked up my phone calls or answered my text msgs and Matt usually always does. And then I find out from my own cousin that he invited them to a LAN party and I wasn't invited and like when people talked about me, he was bitter. So that's how I know he was bitter because for about 3 weeks, his sister's have been asking me where I've been because I've missed a lot of key events that they thought I would usually be at. And I just don't understand it, but it gets me depressed to think that I know people and then I don't just because I don't want to stick my neck all the way out just for them anymore. It hurts a lot and lately it's bene hurting a lot and I try SO hard not to show it to my sister, Kerry, Angie, and Sharon. But it hurts so much knowing that I thought I could confide in them when I needed someone to talk to because of my problems (although are not the worse), they would try to compare who's life is worse by severity of problems. I don't want to hear comparison. If I wanted to hear comparison, I'd go and talk to a bum out on the street without a roof over his head. I go to them so they can hear me out and I can get it out of my head and off of my chest. I thought they would pull me out of the smoke and fire because we've all been through shit and we understand one another and right now, they're just pushed me into the fire. It's hard to hide my pain, but I do it. It lingers in my head about how all the friends that I cared about and the ones that cared about me back were stripped away from me or I lost them to something retarded (like a fucking LCD monitor). So of course, how can you not expect me to be depressed? I don't have friends here in Mission Viejo. I no longer have a computer to use (Matt took his laptop back) and my sister bickers to me about bringing my OWN computer back here (I bought it and built it from the ground up) because she worries about Patrick not having anything to do at home (I bought him an XBox 360, XBox, PS2, N64, with all his favorite games). It's MY computer, i have MY stuff on it. When I don't feel like playing with Angie's Wii on the TV, I want to play games that I trained to join leagues in, like Counter-Strike and Warcraft. And I can't even do that without my computer. So I'm withheld from my own property? What's the point of me getting internet at the house in Mission Viejo then if I don't have anything to use with it? So yeah, what am I supposed to do? Even at this moment, my heart feels empty and I'm tearing up, but I can't help it if I've felt this way for 4 weeks. It's hard to try and hide it from people who try to make me happy, and truthfully, from the depths of my heart I APPRECIATE IT GREATLY and I apologize from hiding this, but it's just how I feel. Everytime I confront someone, they can come and instantly talk about their problems, so I'm not going to interrupt that and intervene and try to compare. I listen. Because I want to be listened to. But, as a lot of people know, the subject being spoken of at the time ends up being the mood of the whole situation, so sometimes if your problem doesn't fit the situation, you don't talk about it, because if it's someone you care about, you don't want to change the subject and have them think you don't care. You do care. That's why you don't change it up and be like, "today, this went bad." I know, this is a lot to read, but it's been a long time since I was able to put my feelings down somewhere. On a serious note, it's been hurting so bad, I couldn't even write this in my journal that my younger brother gave to me as a gift. I've been writing in it and all but not about this situation where things make me feel like the most terrible person in the world because everyone is fraying from me. Sadly, I do and I can't help it. Even though, I don't know what I did wrong, there has to be something that made all my friends gravitate to the surface rather than be in my circle with me. It hurts a lot. There are only a few left now and that bothers me because...what if I lose them, too? How would I feel when I'm left alone with no where to go to but work and home? My heart hurts thinking about it...so now I'll end it here. I don't care who reads this or how they feel about what I say, I let it all out here. If I'm not able to even here, then the last place for me to go is six feet under hell's floor.

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Sometimes I just wanna express things and put things down on paper or computer so I can get it out of my head and make room for other things. But I guess sometimes, I can't. I just wanna put it down and express it without being judged. But I can't. Or else someone gets hurt, or someone misinterprets my words. Sorry.

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