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DISCLAIMER: the entries throughout this month and going forward til otherwise noted reflect my thoughts, feelings, and life during the summer, fall, and winter of 2012. in other words, these are old entries ive been emaning to getting around to writing.

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The most tortuous nightmares are the ones you sorta yearn for. Those nights where you dream of some real sweet shit only to wake up to discover the longings of your soul could be obtained only through slumber. I've been having these dreams going back all the way to when I was a kid growing up in a tiny Texas town.

It's kinda funny though.. back then I used to wake up to the realization that my relationship with my father didn't resemble Cory and Alan Matthews of boy meets world fame and get angry. The first few days I woke up on Amy's couch that summer left me feeling more shame than anything else. Waking up to the realization that I wasn't actually laying in her bed made me miss her and therefore brought upon the shame of coming to the realization that I was still very much in love with the girl still.

"Listen, man, let me just.. let me just drop some... knowledge on you right here, Jay," Tyler says with a mouth full of sloppy joe. It's late July and we're at a grimy downtown diner in Baltimore, Maryland. He licks his lips before he speaks again, allowing his tongue to flick the metal hoop piercing his bottom lip before continuing. "You just got to say "fuck it," you know? I'm not on some Dr. Dre shit or nothing -- I'm not saying women ain't shit. All I'm saying is that you got to be like me, man."

I hit him with one of those stale faces while cutting up my pancakes. "What do you mean, T?"

"I mean you got to realize that relationships are bullshit, Jon. You can't go around just caring about women this way because they'll end up fucking you over if you let them. So don't let them."

I picked up my grilled chicken sandwich -- white onions, pickles, and barbecue sauce as toppings-- and pushed my now empty plate of pancakes to the side. A weird combination, I know, but it's my special heartbreak meal. "I don't know, man. I hear what you're saying -- the folks we make ourselves vulnerable to are the ones who can do the most damage to us, but..."

Sensing I couldn't come up with a counter argument, Tyler sat back in his seat and grinned at me from across the table. I shrugged and turned my eyes back to the sandwich for a moment.

One of my most influential teachers told me once that the tattoo a person has tells their story of anguish. According to her, folks often get tattoos as a commemorative event of sorts -- a showing to the outward world that they've been through some shit but came out of it stronger. Sitting across from Tyler that afternoon, I reflected on her words as I took note of the maybe thirty or forty tattoos covering his exposed bodyparts.

"My favorite? This one--," he takes a hold of his collar and yanks it down far enough for me to see his chest. Atop his right breast was a Megaton Pokemon with a shield and sword standing guard before a gate. If Tyler's philosophy on relationships could be boiled down to one image, it'd have to be that. "Or, maybe this one..."

He may not have convinced me to completely adopt his philosophy in terms of relationships.. but he did succeed in convincing me to get a replica of the second tattoo he showed off. Across his knuckles were the words "Sola Fide," which roughly translates from latin to "By Faith Alone."

"The folks we make ourselves vulnerable to are the ones who can do the most damage to us, but--"

They're also the people who can bring us the most joy. Just because it's scary and could end in total devastation doesn't mean we shouldn't still try. I like the tattoo concept.
» Unicornasaurus on 2013-02-06 01:19:20

How many people are you in love with

'Cause it seems like a lot.

o_O

Or maybe we just have different concepts of love. It is impossible to tell because we will never be each other.
» randomjunk on 2013-02-06 01:39:55

for relationships... sometimes things happened unexpectedly. and sometimes we fall in love at the wrong time with the wrong person for no whatsoever valid reason. u love that person because u don need a reason to. i think this is the most tortuous love. another torture would be the couple silently loving each other without telling each other. it's like they r waiting to see whose feelings fade off first... that's so sad... such love can sometimes be found on my blog via youtube video clips. so stay tune on my blog.

anyways.... RYC: do u know there's a monthly haiku submission by the english online haiku community?
» renaye on 2013-02-06 02:55:35

Being vulnerable is a good thing
But having your vulnerability stuck to wide open isn't too great, as you seem to have noticed. Your friend has a point, to a certain extent.
» middaymoon on 2013-02-06 09:16:13

Oh, and just to be super clear...you're in Texas? You wanna PM me what city? I know we have a place in San Antonio but I'll have to ask around for other places. The nearer, the better, right?
» middaymoon on 2013-02-06 09:27:54

I agree with your teacher about tattoos. But I don't agree that you should get one across your knuckles. :S

I always thought that the only reason I would get a tattoo is if I went through some kind of heinous experience, but it would have to be at the level of prisoner-of-war camp or plane crash/cannibalism before it would fit my criteria of "serious shit".
» Zanzibar on 2013-02-06 11:47:47

Well you can just tell Tyler that I happen to be in a relationship that is NOT bullshit. There's been lots of bullshit along the way, and there will be plenty of bullshit in the future. Unless maybe he's singing a different tune at this point?

Relationships involve bullshit. You just gotta work to move past it and make sure that your OVERALL relationship isn't bullshit.
» Amelie on 2013-02-06 12:08:48

Actually here just go to this page. You can see everything everywhere.

http://www.dtodayinfo.net/
» middaymoon on 2013-02-06 01:17:38

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