"You're wearing a lot of make-up nowadays. --I mean, that's fine..." he said when he heard a disapproving grunt from the other end, "but that's not the you I know, or met... I don't know anymore. You're smiling in pictures posted on Facebook, but not so much in person. You've made a mask out of make-up and plastic grins. And by the way, I miss your hair."

I felt a stab on my side, he knows I am unsure about a lot of things. Especially my new look and the decision I made in regards to us. He had jokingly mentioned earlier in the conversation that he thought we would've been happy together, then laughed like a maniac like he does (or tries to do) about everything. But the animosity was palpable even through the phone and I could not feel any more uncomfortable.

I switched my phone from the sweaty left to the almost as equally sweaty right. "I like my hair, it's less of a hassle. And stop exaggerating, I haven't been wearing that much make-up... So there." 'So there?' What am I, five?

The strange laugh again, making me cringe..."You know I'd find you beautiful even if you were bald. But are you happy? You used to be more upbeat, now you play the role of Stepford Wife for your future husband the future lawyer..."

I hate it when he refers to him as my future husband, most of the time he omits the word "future" and just refers to him as "your husband", I also hate that he's somewhat right in regards to the changes.

"Before you seemed more comfortable in your own skin, you were radiant. All of a sudden you started changing all these physical things... Your manner, too"

I'm scared he'll dump me again... Before there was a lot wrong with me according to him. He said he's insecure and he was scared he was going to lose me and that he tried to keep me at arm's length so he wouldn't get hurt once it ended. That there was nothing wrong with me, that it was him all along... What guarantee do I have that he won't dump me again? That he doesn't have doubts about his decision like I have doubts about mine? I want to be right, I don't want to have hurt your feelings in vain.

"I just thought it was time to spruce up my look... Some cancer patient might have some snazzy hair now and I'm rid of something that was gaining a life of its own."

"But are you happy?"

"...Yeah, I'm happy. We're happy. All's good with the world."



The day I cut my hair, I thought I'd be rid of a ghost once the last strand of the long braid was chopped... My hair was the old me. The stupid me that had let the "husband" treat me like dirt but now short haired, different and strong. The me that had let herself get in too deep during the summer, the me that the person I was talking to had fallen in love with... That maybe by making such a decisive and radical change physically it could translate to another aspect of my life.

But hair is just hair.

it doesn't matter
that hair is just hair. If it felt like you let go of a burden, a clean start, a new you. Good, because that's great. I love that. I did that. But so far, it hasn't gone that well for me, either. So I'm planning another cut-off, this time shorter and that's exactly what I had really wanted. Hopefully, everything will fall into place.

Have you told him all this? Does he know?
» Silver-dot- on 2007-11-24 09:12:04

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.