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theZEBRA
just spent the weekend at the army barracks
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Songs of the Plains
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One would be in less danger
From the wiles of a stranger
If one's own kin and kith
Were more fun to be with.

Ogden Nash
Brick Shithouse
Saturday. 6.16.07 8:17 pm
Rugger!

The Super 14’s been over for a month now, but the Tri Nations start tonight!!

My friend, who’s built like a brick shithouse, is just as excited. We’re mucking about with a rugby ball outside his house, passing it back and forth, chasing it into driveways (where he leaves Brick Shithouse-shaped dents in the garage doors), and trampling over lovingly tended flower beds. He outweighs me by a good 40 kilos at least, but that means that I get to climb all over him like a jungle gym. A mobile jungle gym that smells of booze and fags.

I kick the ball into the street. He runs off to retrieve it, but the street slopes downwards and the ball rolls away…right into the path of an oncoming car. The driver honks a warning, but instead of stepping aside, BS lowers his shoulder and makes as if to meet the car head on. The car screeches to a stop in time and this time the honk’s an angry one that shouts “WTF!”. BS moves to let it pass and grins cockily at me.

Make that ‘A mobile jungle gym that smells of heaps of booze and fags’.

Pleased with himself, BS looks around for something else to tackle. He finds it.

Me.

He charges towards me with a roar, trying to intimidate me. It works. Very well. I would’ve peed in fright even without the sound effects. As it is, I’m panicking because I’m not sure if he’s sober enough to hold back. I definitely don’t want to find out, but I can’t run because he’ll easily chase me down. Ohgodohgodohgod...

I hold my ground until the last moment, then dodge under his arms and sidestep him as he passes. I feel like I’ve just escaped a train wreck.

“Wow, you’re quick. You should come play touch with us.”

No, I’m not usually that quick. That burst of speed was a combination of fear and desperation. But now that the danger’s over, I’m pumped. REVENGE!

Suddenly, his phone rings and he fumbles to answer it. Opportunity! I rush at him while his attention is diverted. The curb is just behind him so if I hit him hard enough, he’ll definitely take a tumble.

But just as I make the tackle, he swings around the other way and his elbow catches me right on my nose. I drop to the ground with a strangled cry and roll around in pain. And roll. And roll some more. Nghrkkk, the rolling’s not lessening the pain, it’s just getting my clothes dirtier. I settle for just writhing in agony, wheezing loudly and half-sobbing.

“Babe, I’m on the phone here, wha—,” BS turns to me and stops in mid-sentence, bewildered. He hangs up. “What are you doing?”

I glare blearily at him through my tears as I clamp my throbbing nose. “Wa-wad ab I doigg?! Yu elbod be id de DOSSSS!!!!” The last sentence culminates in a wail. Why did he have to hit me so hard?!! This really hurts!!

BS looks even more confused. “I elbowed you in the nose?! When?”

“JUZ DOW, WED I DRIDE DO DAGEL YU!” I wail even louder.

“Oh baby, I didn’t even know you were tackling me. I didn’t feel it. You must’ve run straight into my elbow.”

He reaches down and helps me up. Then he sits on the curb and pulls me, still sobbing, onto his lap.

“Come here, you,” he holds my face gently as he checks my nose. “You’re alright. It’s not bleeding or anything and it’s definitely not broken.”

“Id zdill urds,” I complain.

He hugs me better and points out, “Well, now you know not to try to take down a guy twice your size.”

I mumble assent, muffled from where I’ve buried my face in his shirt. Next time I’ll just push him down the stairs.

Categories: ,

13 Comments.


Ow!
YOuch, yowch, yow! 'Least you got your very own giant to comfort you with a lullaby. ;D
» Silver-dot- on 2007-06-16 08:32:04

And someone to wipe my tears and snot on. Haha!
» theZEBRA on 2007-06-16 08:56:31

re:comment--
You're vewyvewy very welcome~!
» Silver-dot- on 2007-06-16 09:22:35

You're obviously not sick anymore. Congrats
I've never thought of a brick shit-house as something one would play on before. Hmm...
» middaymoon on 2007-06-16 10:47:56

Well, I've still got a bitch of a sore throat. I want to be mothered!!!
» theZEBRA on 2007-06-16 11:43:12

Hi
That's why I don't do contact sports. :P
» William (210.187.100.197) on 2007-06-17 09:59:02

aww... cho chweet... he's like a tootsiepop. hard on the outside with a soft, chewy centre. hehe...
» Qian (202.172.113.234) on 2007-06-17 11:04:16

Love for the price of a little pain. I think a little sacrifice don't hurt nobody.

Except the nose. That sounds owwie.
» Sam (60.48.174.85) on 2007-06-19 01:47:39

You're not the only one. I like guys twice my size as well :P
» Paul (60.50.179.107) on 2007-06-20 06:22:21

William: But sometimes it's your elbow and someone else's nose. It's a lot more fun that way.

Qian: Or like an armadillo!! Hard and armour-y on the outside, but soft and squishy on the inside!

Sam: It was VERY owwie. He definitely owed me a lot of lovin' for that!

Paul: Mmmmm, you know it! ;)
» theZEBRA on 2007-06-21 02:14:52

Mmmmmm. Contact sports.
» Laynie (219.95.168.234) on 2007-06-25 12:08:57

Mmmm...contact sports guys.
» theZEBRA on 2007-06-28 01:02:43

Not in it an essence.
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» Stanton (60.217.232.43) on 2010-09-06 06:46:50

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