Saturday. 3.22.08 9:51 pm
what if it never started? would he be happier? would i be happier?
is it my fault that he cant do what he wants anymore? what could he have done if my presence was absent? what could i have done? where would i be? a course interstate? another uni? where would he be? would be have done better or worse? would it have made any difference to what hes doing right now? maybe if i never said 'no matter what decision you make, im still there to support you' then he wouldnt have decided to not go to uni? maybe he'd be in uni right now and not the way he is now? hes unhappy, he doesnt show it, he doesnt tell me. what else isnt he telling me? do i have to keep doing things based on my own assumptions? would he be happier now if i wasnt there to stop him from doing anything? keeping promises? drinking? going out at night? what CAN i do for him? what HAVE i done for him? i made sacrifices but so what? who cares? who knows? clearly its not even noticeable because it was barely anything you did, mel. am i taking him for granted? im not doing enough for him?
i may be more hardworking so it seems like im smarter or something... but do i even deserve him? i ask him what he expects of me... he says nothing, just as long as i love him. is that really enough? if it is, then why does he keep making me feel as though that its my fault that he cant do anything he wants? what DOES he want to do that he cant do? can i do what i want to do anyway? i try so hard to make things i give up not seem like its anything important. i dont want him to feel bad. but then when i think again, why was it so easy for me to do? did it mean those things didnt really mean much to me anyway? as for him, do those things mean more?
im confused. i dont want to go on like this. theres no turning back. what am i supposed to do? teach me.
Categories: 2008 [t]
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