Monday. 1.21.08 8:33 pm
i wasnt meant to feel shit today, but i couldnt help it. no i didnt lie to him, i really was tired as well... i couldnt explain why i felt so crap. i just felt crap. i couldnt even explain it to myself. i guess its like waking up on the wrong side of bed. what was i suppose to do. i wanted to let it out, but i didnt want to do it in front of him. he wouldnt know what to do with a crying girl, he'd just sit there and freak out?
why is life so hard now? its suppose to be easier that high school is over! this is meant to be the point where everything starts fresh and run smooth [clearly not]... i was so looking forward to it all... now i just feel worse by the day. what do they think i am? i cant please everyone and make everything work. do they even know how i feel? i hate it! one is someone i want to be with forever, another is someone who raised me for the past 18 years with all her heart and effort... what the hell am i meant to do? stay a good girl and just say game over and find someone else? no! it doesnt work like that! i would never love that person the way i love him, its not right! love isnt like that, that isnt called love. fine, if not then what do i do? run away with him and destroy my relationship with mum completely? not saying it will happen, but what if we do break up? what do i do then? come crawling back home for mum? thats ridiculous! is he even for certain he'd want to be with me forever? and would never let me go no matter what happens? cos i know that my mum could do that.. like yeh man we'll fight, but shes my mum after all.. she'll care for me forever till she has to leave... but can he? i trust him, more than any other guy, but still... only to a certain extent... how am i to trust him 120% ? i mean, even he feels insecure sometimes.
i dont know how to talk about this to him... he hates thinking... i dont want to bother and trouble him.. he feels shit enough as it is i guess...i hate being here, i hate being in the middle... mum lectures him.. she doesnt really like him... she doesnt like it when i hang out with him too much... but i cant help it that i love him... she cant stop that... he hates it when he gets lecture, not even his own mum lectures him like that.. what the hell is my mum doing? its so embarassing! it hurts... he doesnt want to come over tomorrow, why? i dont really know the real reason... is it really cos of mum? or like he said later today 'its so far' ... like hes never made me to go his place on my own.. like thats not far? sometimes i really wonder if he truly really loves me that much, or am i just a toy? i know i shouldnt be doubting him or thinking that, i feel bad =[ why do i always feel so insecure? im such a bad girlfriend!
do either of them know what im going through? do they understand how shit i feel? why do they always have to make life hard for me? i cant lose either of them. i made him a promise. move out before his birthday. his birthday is nearing, and i have completely no clue how to get my ass out of this place without damaging my relationship with mum. i dont want to break the promise. i cant break this promise, it would make it harder for him to trust me later on if i made another promise for something.
jimmy, if ever you eventually read this, please dont tell me to just forget about the promise just because you feel sorry for me. please. just let me deal with it, ok?
Categories: 2008 [t]
no cos im in this with u
no matter what u do im here for u
» (220.253.155.21) on 2008-01-21 07:51:22
this is indeed a hard situation. being sandwiched by 2 people u loved the most must be hurting u so much...
did u try asking ur mum why she dislikes him? did u talking to ur bf what he thinks about ur mum?
i wish u all the best.
» renaye on 2008-01-22 11:38:06
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