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Speak to My Finger
Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
Motivation
Sunday, May 15, 2011
I had a nostalgic moment yesterday's afternoon. It was drizzling accompanied by series of thunders and lightnings, and I was sitting by my room window reading a book on negotiations in the dim room. My laptop was running because I was waiting for the thunders to calm so I could turn back on the internet, but my mind was fidgeting because I was reading manga online and was loading some outdated anime. I somehow managed to tame my mind to focus on reading.

As I turned the pages in the somewhat dark room and listening to the gentle pattering of the raindrops onto my window, my soul found some answers to life from the book. As I finished reading pages by pages, I realised how important motivation to life is. I closed my eyes and rest for a moment, and then look out to the rain, and ponder. The darkness, the rain rhythm, the laptop running with manga and anime travelled me back to my college days. I compared my life during that time and now.

Are there any differences between then and now? Yes, there were. It was motivation. I remember how much I cried in the dorm room or how long my prayers were, and it's all for excelling in my subjects and getting As for my assignment. I was focused to excel in the environmental field when I was still a student. Like the author of the book I was reading says to focus objectives on the minds eye. I did it unconsciously and I received degree with distinction.

And now ... I discovered I lost all motivation after reading the passage to do what I planned aeons and even to living. I closed the book temporarily and looked out to the window once more to ponder what I really want in life. I remember the last time I cried in such similar environment was back in June/July 2006 over an acquaintance's death, and I told myself I'd want to live a fulfilling life with no regrets. Am I keeping to my words? Obviously, no.

I tried to think hard of what would motivate me. I don't want to become a zombie anymore. I'm living but 'I'm not here.' I don't want to waste any more time.

If I know what I want, why ain't I chasing it?

Am I just like what the author said? I'm afraid of success? Or I'm afraid of the pain that I need to endure to achieve the success I dream of? Or I would rather be forever 'chasing' after the dream verbally so I would have something to occupy myself with until the day I die? In office terms, it is called 'pretending to be busy.'

Where do I stand? What am I? I never wavered from my decisions, so why am I now so easily to be convinced to detract from my original plans? I can't believe I could even let my vocal teacher to convince me not to polish my singing skills, just because she thinks the world doesn't need another singer.

I keep on encouraging people to take action, while I realise I'm just waiting for some miracles to happen to my life, where the ratio is 1 in a million. And yet, I wish to wish on a shooting star.

I don't think I'm having mid-life crisis, but more of identity and dream crisis. Because I'm not given a chance to discover who I am. Because I'm pressured silently to be rich at my age in people's eye without taking into account of what I really want. I'm just following the waves... where was me who used to say I would create the waves if there's no wave to be seen?

The perfect cliche word to end this entry would be 'there's light at the end of the terminal.' Another one would be it's never too late to take action.

Actually, these cliche words just make me feel worse.
3 Comments.


What about "count your blessings"? Have you thought about why you want to become a millionaire? Wouldn't doing what you love and earning enough to live a simple lifestyle be sufficient to make you happy?
» mun (60.48.168.212) on 2011-05-17 08:52:12

Ahhh..... yea... I don't even quite know what to say there.... I know sometimes finding motivation to get through situations, and sometiems your existence in general can be pretty rough.

I just hope that you find the motivation or energy that you need to keep going from somewhere, or just a way to awaken that energy inside of you that i'm sure is ready and willing to drive you through everything
» CPKviperpheonix on 2011-05-18 10:59:25

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» Valentin (91.93.37.58) on 2011-06-08 01:36:50

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