Speak to My Finger

OK. I woke up one day after a few days of New Year, I realised I'm already older and my bank account has shrunk further than I have expected. And then suddenly myself said I'm screwed up. Never mind because it's never too late. So on a high energy level, I started off my day with enthusiasm to fix my bank account and hypnotize myself that I'm sweet 18 until....

Yesterday ...

My vocal teacher and I had dinner together last night. She looked like a zombie whose fun has grew out of attacking living beings. I almost could not recognise her. She just looked so much older than her age. During dinner, she told me that she has nothing to look forward to in 2010. She simply has lost inspiration to do anything, which explained her moodiness. I suggested her to read some romance books or sing more sad songs to listing her dreams in a book. She said these won't help. Looking at her so down, I shared with her that 2 days ago I told my Brazilian friend over MSN that I have no longer have joy in living. That's because every morning the first thing crosses my mind is MONEY. I hate to admit but the truth is I'm now a money slave. I work for money.

We continued eating.

Then she brought up the question: When is your turn to get married? I didn't choke on my food but irritated. I have been given lecture on marriage since Xmas 2009 till yesterday. My friends keep giving me tips on marriage, which simply is marry a rich man and learn the flirtatious personality of my very good friend. Why? Because the man's wealth will be shared with me. If that is the case, why am I reading a case of a royal family in Malaysia requesting his wife to return the money she borrowed through court? Never mind that. I just replied that I have not found happiness and I don't want to rely on the guy for happiness. Because it would be unfair. And I don't think I'm ready for marriage or even settling down.

And the most irritating statement of all: You are already 24-ish, and yet you are still nowhere; not even successful. Everything you do is incomplete. To be frank, I don't need to be reminded of my age and my status. My mind is pulled into somewhat depression because of the word SUCCESSFUL. My mother was the first person to throw that word to me and then my bosses and now my vocal teacher. I kept asking myself What is the meaning of being successful as I sat in the train for 40 minutes. To be precised: What is YOUR definition of successful? Would your definition be the same as mine? I wanted to tell her off to not cleanse my belief just because my way of thinking is different than the normal society thinking. A lecturer has even told me to stop being different from the others. Is that what you call critical thinking?

Actually who cares about success? Actually what is success? There are some singers who are very successful but they don't have much money in their bank account (yes I do know who). Does successful mean you need to be a director of a company and your name must be in every magazine? If yes so? At the end of the day, you will still go home and be yourself, and yet still feeling EMPTY. OK. Empty or not could be my assumption but my point is what is the meaning of success? This is what my friend wrote in an email:

What is the meaning of life?

For some it is a successful career.

But one day they have to retire,

For some it is to obtain lots of money,

But once he has amassed mountains - it becomes nothing more than dirt,

For some it is to continue his pursuits of knowledge,

But after he becomes a scholar - he soon starts to forgets,

For some it is to wield power,

But he will always be afraid it may be lost,

For some it is to be famous,

But he will desperately seek intervals of solitude,

For some is to seize the day,

But no matter how hard he tries - the day still leaves him,

For some it is to nurture his children,

But one day his children will no longer need him,

For some it is to fight for a right cause,

But some day his cause maybe replaced with a sense of self righteous,

For some it is to be a spiritual being,

But one day his spirit becomes self centred,

It is the unfortunate curse of being,

Sometimes delusions that would take us over,

Sometimes a cover-up we are unwilling to face,

It is the human 'being',

From 'not being' to 'no longer being',

No need for high ambitions,

For there is no ambition for a destiny known,

For there can be no new destination in a cycle,

There is no reason for planning for a result predetermined,

The answer is often near us,

As close as our veins that keeps us alive,

But we are unable to uncover its secrets,

To be quite - so as to listen to its melody,

To be calm - so as to feel its softness,

To be sensitive - so as to absorb its sweet aroma,

To be still - so as to see its beauty,

To be aware - so as to feel its presence,

To be content - so as to return to its being,

But alas we are too busy with our search for meanings,

Often not realizing it has always been with us.

I didn't reply anything to my teacher's statement because I want to be polite. So I kept quiet and smiled with a pain in the heart. Suddenly, she said 'You know marriage is also a success in terms of keeping your marriage together.' Huh?!! I continued to smile because still she doesn't get it: That is her definition of success. Just because I'm not married, don't go talking me into marrying one. Don't go asking me 'Don't you want to have someone in your life? ' Don't go asking me 'How come you are so abnormal for not wanting to be kissed?'

Simply put: I don't owe anyone any explanation except to my own sanity. Is success that important? What if I have become a director of an environmental NGO? You consider that as a success? OK. Fine. But you all will definitely criticize my NGO for not having any money! But you also labeled my position as a success! So... screw SUCCESS! And are you all blind to my diligence in being successful?!

In a workshop I attended in 2007, T. Harv Eker considered SUCCESS as things you have completed TODAY regardless of how unimportant or minuscule the task is. Don't be afraid to say it out because it is your success! This practice was very moral uplifting!

Why are we so afraid to be different from society?? I'm not gay and yet I have been labeled as Abnormal (not outcast - yet) by society. Don't you think there is something wrong with the society?

Screw success... Money is more important.

My success for yesterday: Sang Hot and Cold by Kate Perry with correct tune! Yes! So now I can go to Karaoke to show off!

A successful person is a contented person.
» (203.82.91.104) on 2010-01-08 10:53:20

I hear ya. Strikes a cord
» merrick on 2010-01-09 10:53:48

It's sad that sometimes people tend to be judgmental and put some kind of expectation on you. Don't be disappointed with them. There's no real definition of success in my dictionary too. It's all so subjective and only the person his/herself can answer. To me, it's okay to be let down and most of the time, it's ourselves who do the deed. We keep thinking what we don't achieve and keep feeling unsuccessful. But the most important thing is we know how to bounce back from there. We must look forward to achieve what we want in life and not thinking what we don't have now. Everything can be changed with determination and effort. Good luck to you!

ps: you are still young if you said 24-ish. Nothing to worry about...haha!
» Jennifer (60.54.174.130) on 2010-01-10 08:09:16

Jeniffer have spoken all my thoughts! haha...good one, and gal keep moving on. i am sure with you intelligence, you can make it a success!
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