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Memores acti prudentes futuri


You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Family dynamics
Sunday, March 4, 2018
Whenever I talk to my mom about some of the rather emotionally abusive stuff that happened in one of my past relationships, she has little to no reaction except "well at least you're out of it now." It's strange, I guess, compared to the typical reaction I get from other people, which is usually shock and/or indignation, or at least sympathy. If I'm not misremembering, my mom's initial reaction was mostly just... "well why didn't you say anything about this to us while it was happening?"

Since this stuff doesn't affect me as much as it used to, sometimes I forget that in my earliest therapy sessions, a lot of what we worked on was the ways in which my mom's influence was affecting me negatively. I talk to her a lot about stuff, but her response is usually to tell me that I'm responsible for what's happening or to criticize me for not handling things in a different way. It's an odd contrast to how supportive and sympathetic she acts toward her friends. I guess I don't expect her to take my side on anything, though, so I don't really feel particularly resentful... it just seems like this is the dynamic we have.

"Dawn Again (Alphaluna Remix)" by Endanger.

You never felt fire in you heart
That burns so strong it can't be stored
And you never felt glad
About the things that you had
You always reached higher for the stars
You did not notice what you lost
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