I made it out to the gym tonight even though I wasn't really feeling like going. Ran a mile and did CSI. In CSI we did this awful exercise where you have to hold your arms straight out to your sides at shoulder height and make small movements with them for a very long time. It doesn't seem like it would be a big deal, but it's rather painful. Then again, my arm strength isn't what it used to be...

Wasn't sure how much I was going to feel up to doing, because my throat has a little scratchy soreness to it and I'm not sure if I'm getting sick. When you start working with kids, you usually get sick within the first few weeks, until you get adjusted to everyone's germs. Might be happening to me.

Was listening to this music earlier and it was very soothing.

"Ciela's Parting Words"

It reminds me of falling asleep under the covers on a cold and rainy day...

Sadness came back to me for a bit today, but mostly I'm still kind of feeling nothing.

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In a way I'm kind of relieved that I'm a digital hoarder, because back in 2012 or so, someone in the chatroom I used to go to linked me to a document that I wanted to find again, and luckily I still have it in my folders. It's 40 pages long, so it's probably going to take a little time to read, but I'm hoping that it will give me some insight that helps me. The guy who shared it said it helped him, which is encouraging...

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On Saturday I did a photoshoot with Fro at the rose garden. It was fun, but I'm a little nervous about the results. She was happy with the pictures she took, but she wanted to wait until she touched them up to show me anything, so I have no idea how any of it came out. I don't really have any experience modeling, so I wasn't sure what to do or if my expressions were awkward... So far she's shown me one work-in-progress and I feel like I look wistful in it. Fro said that was good, though. I guess I'll have to trust her judgement.

After the photoshoot, we went and got Jamba Juice. Mine was free because Jamba Juice gives you a free small smoothie for your birthday. Amusingly enough, Fro and I got the same smoothie, which I found out when she got her order. Greens 'n Ginger is the way to go. We sat outside and talked for awhile, then got lunch at Sweet Tomatoes... I didn't really eat as much as I normally would, but still managed to eat a lot compared to my protein-bar-as-a-sad-meal-substitute diet recently. I know I shouldn't eat 210 calorie protein bars instead of meals, but it's been very hard to work up the appetite or motivation to eat more than that. Sometimes it's all I can do to choke down the bar. Yesterday I tried to eat a big breakfast (three eggs with cheese on two pieces of multigrain toast) and almost made myself sick trying to finish it. After that I couldn't bring myself to eat any more until around 5pm. My reasoning was that getting a head start on consuming calories might make it so that I could eat more throughout the day, but nope... it just wiped out my appetite. I'm having to fight my body to eat more than 1200 calories most days...

There are some days when I wonder if it's worth struggling against, and if I should just give in and not eat for awhile. If I weren't going to the gym regularly, I feel like I probably would just do that. Unfortunately I do need the energy to not pass out at the gym. It's also nice to not get cold in 80 degree weather, I guess.

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