"Osaka Loop Line" by Discovery.

And I tried to catch your eye and then
Walk past you as the train came in
But I missed you there and lost my mind
The morning crowd pushed me behind

I've been listening to this song on repeat for a couple days. It feels, appropriately, like falling further and further behind a train that's rushing by. It's weird, I've been listening to this album in pieces over a period of several years. I think I like three songs from it, and I haven't even heard any of the others. Just every few months or years, a different song from the album comes up somehow, and I listen to it, and I feel iffy about it at first, but it grows on me and then I want to binge on it. The weird thing is that I never have a desire to explore the rest of the album on my own.

Think I might have posted this one before, but it's the other song I really like by this band.

"So Insane" by Discovery.

Ooh baby, you've got me going
So insane, and I just don't know what's
Going down
Ooh I try to get off my knees
Try to fight f-f-fight this feeling
But I can't

This song makes me want to dance. Sometimes I kind of want to go to clubs just to dance to loud music in a dark room, but they always play the music too loud, and every time I've gone clubbing (which was like... I dunno... twice? Thrice at most?) I left feeling partially deaf. Plus people are drinking, so it's not really my scene.

I kind of miss being 18 and being in New York and having a little two person dance party in Casey's dorm room, with just the blacklight bulb in her desk lamp on. Even though I was sort of having an emotional breakdown for a lot of my freshman year of college, there were some really fun moments, and they make me miss New York. I wish my last trip there hadn't been so bad. I'd like to go there again and have a better time, someday. When I can afford it... Or maybe if someone takes me again, haha. Pretty much all of my traveling has been on someone else's dime, except for the recent trip to Australia.

Fro was encouraging me to look into county jobs, because she thinks all my volunteer experience would be a big plus, but I feel nervous about it. I think if I wasn't looking into going back to grad school in the next few months, I'd feel a little less hesitant, but I don't feel like I can take any jobs that would be full time... Gotta have something I can fit around a school schedule...

On the plus side, I had an online info session for the school I'm looking at, which was basically a conference call, and I felt really enthusiastic about the school afterwards. I've been feeling kind meh about it for awhile, just kinda feeling like this was what I should do more than anything else, but... the program really does sound appealing to me. I was silently wondering if it was going to have the things I found lacking in my last grad program, but they answered that question before I could even ask it. I feel encouraged.

I'm trying to just take one thing at a time and focus on school matters in the immediate future, but interpersonal stuff is always on my mind, and I guess it always has been. Try as I might, I can't seem to prioritize anything above that. Always thinking about my friendships and other relationships... Everything else feels kind of secondary. It doesn't feel like this is a socially acceptable way to be, though. So much talk about "putting yourself first" and such... Figuring out your career, your dreams, whatever else... But my world revolves around people, and it feels forced, trying to dream of something that's just about me. I feel uncomfortable with individualism in this way, though I know that collectivism isn't some perfect ideal alternative. Maybe I'm just trying to find balance for myself between the two.

Sometimes I get tired of people telling me that I should live for myself more and I should disregard others and not make sacrifices. I don't like feeling like self-sacrifice is some kind of tumor people are trying to cut out of me. It's something I want to do, and something I value, and it feels meaningful to me. And anyway, it doesn't feel like sacrifice when you're eager to give it. If I'm being excessively vague about what I'm sacrificing, I mainly mean time and energy, and sometimes sleep. It feels good to give. Not that I don't have my breaking point... Goodness knows, I hit that last year.

Nobody's really been saying these things to me lately, but it comes up in therapy when I have a therapist, which can be frustrating. It makes me feel like they don't understand. If I care about someone then it doesn't feel like sacrifice to give up some sleep, to spend hours listening to them, to forgo other things I might have done. When Fro calls me on the phone, she pretty much always starts off by asking if I'm doing anything [important] and if I can talk, and there are almost no situations in my daily life that seem particularly important in that moment. If I'm watching something, I can just finish it later. If I'm playing a game, I can pause it or put it away for another time. If I'm reading, well, there are bookmarks for a reason. She also has a tendency to ask in the middle of conversation, "Am I boring you?" and it shocks me every time. I always say "no," but it's accompanied by this feeling of "What else could I even want to do right now?"

It feels like I'm drifting a bit in subject. These things don't feel like sacrifice to me, but I think they come off as sacrifice to other people who value their time and energy differently than I do. Maybe other people have a ton of other things they want to be doing, I don't know... I do get immersed in other activities from time to time, but they all get kind of boring after awhile. Hard to maintain hobbies because of that. My feelings about that are another matter, though...

I never start these posts with any sort of outline, I kind of just ramble and hope that it has some kind of thesis that can be followed. No idea if that happened in this one, but it's almost 5 AM and I can't be bothered to read back and see.

Disregard others?
Disregard the people who are not important to you. I think that's fair. Regard the people important to you. :)
» watermelon on 2017-07-28 11:42:12

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.