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Memores acti prudentes futuri


You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Friday, July 21, 2017
"Lost Souls/Eelings" by TR/ST.


Back home in California, although Hawaii is also home... just... a different home.

I'm in a poetry mood. Not writing, this time, but reading. It's been quite awhile since I actively sought out any. Here's an excerpt from Baudelaire's "Confession" that I like:
Que b�tir sur les coeurs est une chose sotte;
Que tout craque, amour et beaut�,
Jusqu'� ce que l'Oubli les jette dans sa hotte
Pour les rendre � l'Eternit�!


Translated by William Aggeler:
That to build on hearts is a foolish thing,
That all things break, love, and beauty,
Till Oblivion tosses them into his dosser
To give them back to Eternity!


I also like "Horreur sympathetique" (just going to link it instead of posting the whole poem and its translations).

---

I'm awake unnecessarily late, and it's that time of night when my mood is low and I'm thinking a lot about the past and the future and everything that has been, is, or could be bad. And some other things too, but mostly negative stuff.

Even though I hated having to read Levinas and Heidegger (well, Heidegger was much better than Levinas) for school, I find myself thinking a lot about their philosophy and how they would describe things. There are so many ways to describe the same concepts... Heidegger talked a lot about life covering itself over, of just slipping into the flow of things and losing that focus and awareness of the present moment. You can't live in constant acknowledgement of your authentic being, it's just... not possible in any practical way. I think that most of the time, my life covers over itself and I don't have to face the anxiety of being (or being-in-the-world comme on dit*). Something about nighttime uncovers it though, and I feel face to face with existence and myself and I can't slip into that forgetfulness that enables everyday living. I'm going to die someday, inevitably. It could be in 60 years or it could be tonight in my sleep. Dying itself doesn't scare me too much-- which is good, because meat from scared animals tastes worse hahaha okay sorry I'm done.

For real though, I wonder a lot about how to live more authentically, in accordance with my values (which I would like to be able to back up with some solid reasoning). I've been listing out some values and ways I want to be in a little document for myself, just trying to sort things out and check on myself. As I don't have any consistent occupations at the moment, it's hard for me to tell whether I'm embodying my chosen values. Gotta have some kind of situation where I can practice. Muscles atrophy when you don't use them. It's no different for thought patterns and behaviors... Every time you repeat a thought or behavior, you're reinforcing a pathway in your brain. Neuroplasticity! I always imagine that like adding a thin layer of concrete to a canal for some reason. Channeling a river in a certain direction... But you know, Nature always wins against us if we don't keep fighting, and all our cities and grand monuments are eventually worn down to nothing without continual maintenance. I'm really just stream-of-consciousness-ing all this, so if the flow is weird, that's why. Nature always has the upper hand because we don't live forever. I'm trying to stop reinforcing certain pathways in my brain, and without my perpetual thinking about the same things, that canal is becoming a little less concrete, a little less deep, slowly but surely.

People are all "you have no filter" but they don't know how much I have to filter just to be coherent when my thoughts are jumping around like this. I have like... 20? years of school and all the reading I've done on my own just bouncing around in my head and making patterns and I don't always know where everything comes from or how to explain why it all fits together. It doesn't frustrate me like it used to that I can't explain things that make perfect sense to me very well to other people, if at all, at least. I remember desperately wishing that I could just have some kind of unrestricted connection with someone else, the way Parameter and Equinox have in John Varley's short story, "Equinoctial", but it doesn't bother me so much anymore that it's impossible. That (currently?) impassable barrier, the physical/mental separation between us all that isolates us and forces us to live in lonely ambiguity, is kind of a blessing and a curse. Levinas would describe that separation as atheism, I think. He had this whole thing about God being present in the Face of the Other and blah blah Ethics blah blah Infinity blah blah Capitalizing Words to Make Them Extra Fancy.

I keep flashing back to my recent therapist saying "you're a little philosopher, aren't you?" with a wry smile on her face. I don't think she actually said "little" but for some reason I remember it that way.

*Lookit me, bein' all pretentious and USING FRENCH. lulz. I dunno, I think in tiny French phrases sometimes. It makes me feel less bad about basically forgetting everything I learned from three years of French in high school.
1 Comments.


Philosophoraptor brain
I like the poem, its relevant to me because I guess I used to prioritize the heart, thinking that it actually was the materialization of something divine and eternal within each one of us or something. Slow to realize how freakin' fickle it can be.

I think of you as a little philosopher too. :)

I was never concerned about how my meat will taste when I die until now.
» watermelon on 2017-07-22 10:49:41

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