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Memores acti prudentes futuri


You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Kind of lost my temper tonight...
Thursday, April 20, 2017
I can't remember the last time this really happened. I mean, I've definitely been mad plenty of times in the last few months, but I don't remember the last time I actually lost my temper. Generally, even if I'm pretty angry, I still manage to stay pretty composed.

My terrible housemate is still here, still leaving the bathroom a gross mess. He leaves dirty water all over the floor, pees on the toilet seat, somehow managed to soak the toilet paper on the holder... After three weeks of putting up with this, I snapped a bit.

I heard him go out to the bathroom, so I opened my door to check if he had left a mess after he finished. Of course, he had. No surprise there. Water ALL over the toilet seat. He ran back to his room and I went over and knocked on his door to tell him to clean it up. He opened the door just a crack and asked, in English, if I needed to use the toilet. I didn't know if I would understand me if I said "it's not about whether I need to use it right now, it's about you leaving a mess there, which is not acceptable." I repeated that he needed to clean it up and he closed the door. I waited a bit, because usually he isn't wearing pants and he'll put on pants and come out and wipe it up eventually, but I heard him start talking in his room... So I knocked again, and again he only opened the door a crack and then tried to close it. Now, it was pretty clear that he had no intention of doing it, so I stopped him from closing the door by putting my hand against it and told him to clean it up right now. He responded... by trying to force the door closed against me. Wasn't going to let him get away with that, so I kept the door handle turned so that he couldn't lock it. Tried to force open the door from my end, but hes bigger than me and I'm not as strong as I used to be, sadly. I think he just stayed pushing against the door for the new few moments, and I waited to see if he would move, but nope. At some point he did open the door again because I kept telling him to clean up the bathroom, but he just tried to take my hand off the door, presumably so he could close it and lock it. At this point my landlady came out of her room (we were all awake anyway, I wouldn't have done this if she was sleeping) and asked what was going on. I told her that I was trying to get him to clean up his mess, and she talked to him in Chinese, and then called his mom on the phone. I don't know what they said because it was all in Chinese, but he did go partially wipe up the toilet once my landlady asked him...

My landlady looked at me sympathetically and put her hand on my shoulder and said she was sorry about it. I just shook my head and laughed in exasperation and said I was frustrated.

I didn't yell at him or particularly raise my voice during the ordeal, although my tone was certainly a lot sharper than usual. Maybe it's not right to characterize this as losing my temper though... It was more like standing my ground and refusing to back down and let him continue his bad behavior. Still, it didn't feel like an "adult" thing for me to do, I guess... But I've been reminding this kid to clean up for weeks now, and he still won't do it unless I specifically ask. After more than three weeks, the escalation and use of force felt justified, but I don't know if it was. I didn't hit him or anything, but it was still an aggressive move on my part... I don't know. Ugh. My heart started racing when I realized he was blatantly ignoring me, and I could feel the anger rising in my chest.

I want to be able to handle this in a mature and responsible manner, but this kid (who is only an adult legally-- he's obviously a child from the way he acts) refuses to act in a remotely courteous way, and so I sort of feel like he doesn't get to be treated with any respect. I suppose that's how I generally feel about these things... people have my respect at first, but if they lose it, they tend to lose all of it at once and I see them as practically subhuman and not deserving of any courtesies whatsoever, not even acknowledgement as a person in some cases. Maybe this is something for me to think about... Although it does take awhile for me to lose my respect for someone, so I dunno. Does it need to be a more gradual descent? This is a rather grey area and I'm not sure if this is something I really feel contributes to or detracts from my growth as a person.
1 Comments.


I think it's important as a person to stand your ground, especially if someone is openly disrespecting you. You still acted with self-control, and made your voice heard, and I think that's what matters.
» jabberwock on 2017-04-22 12:19:15

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