I went for a walk again today. This poem stanza was stuck in my head for part of it.

I felt like it resonated with me.

Here are some pictures from my walks the past few days.

Ice on a fountain.


A seagull on an alley wall.


I don't know what this is, but it's a tiny little thing on the sidewalk that I have passed a number of times on my route from downtown back to my room, and I always imagine that it is a landmine that will blow up my legs if I step on it.


How I feel about the weather here.


I'm hopefully going to be having dinner with my friend after class on Wednesday. He said he was worried that my walking was a sign of something not being okay. I told him that the walking helped make me feel better, though (which is true). I guess that walking alone makes him feel.... well, lonely, or down, maybe, but I don't think it has that effect on me. Walking alone is nice. Being able to do it is a reminder that I'm not as shy as I used to be, and I can be out in public by myself without feeling extremely self-conscious and fearful. At the same time, I sometimes... sort of forget that people can see me, so that probably helps. It's not that I literally think I'm invisible... I'm just so used to going unnoticed that it feels about the same. Especially in cities, it feels easy to be invisible. Maybe that's why I like crowds. Nobody notices the individual in a crowd.

And... my good thing for the day... I'm planning to meet up with what I hope will be a new friend in the near future. We haven't confirmed anything yet.

In all honesty, it is pretty lonely living here, and I miss my friends like crazy. Trying to make new friends is hard when I just want to be near my old friends again. I had the friendships I wanted, and I didn't feel like I needed more than that. I don't just want people in my life, I want those people. During our Skype call on Friday, I related these feelings to Becka, and I felt like she really understood what I meant. She doesn't feel that motivated to make new friends where she is, either, because she misses us. While I'm sad for both of us, it also is a huge relief to not be alone in that feeling. I'm so tired of people talking as if friends are just like... parts in a car's engine or something. Parts that you need to keep things running smoothly, but which are ultimately replaceable. Nobody close to me is replaceable. Maybe I can find new people who will connect to me on some level and with whom I have a good dynamic, but they can't take the place of Kyle, or Fro, or Becka. The loss of a friendship feels exactly like that-- a loss. These people mean so much to me, and I feel offended when my feelings about that are dismissed or trivialized. A lot of people do just have shallow friendships and are not that invested in their friends' lives, but that's not what I want, and that's not how I feel about my friendships. I want to be friends for the rest of our lives.

The ice picture is really cool!
Also, I feel ya when it comes to making friends. Having moved around a lot, there was one point where I just didn't even see the point in trying. How did you manage to make friends while you were in NY? Maybe try something similar to that tactic.

And yes, the weather here can be rather drab. Especially when it starts raining like this, after having been sunny and clear for so many days in a row. But power through my friend! It will get sunny again :)
» LostSoul13 on 2017-01-18 11:52:59

depending on the size of that thingy on the sidewalk, it kind of looks like a parking meter used to be there and they just cut it off at the base.
» thaitanic on 2017-01-20 06:38:42

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