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You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
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A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

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~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

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~ William Blake
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Guess the ethnicity
Saturday, March 19, 2016
So there's this game that guys on OKC will sometimes try to play with me. I've decided to call it "guess the ethnicity" because that's basically what it is. This is how it goes:

Guy: So where's your family from?
Me: Here? The US?
Guy: Yeah but I mean, what about your family outside the US?
Me: My whole family is in the US.
Guy: But where did you come from?
Me: I was born here.
Guy: I bet you're Vietnamese. Taiwanese? Ooh, Japanese? Or maybe from Singapore?

One time a guy said I had "Hmong eyes" and I had to look that up to find out what it meant.

It's sort of weird and annoying that people assume I'm "not from here" just because of the way I look. I mean, I speak/type English perfectly, I have no references in my profile to anything Asian, and I never bring up my heritage in conversation.

Just makes me kind of tired. I've seen other Asian girls bring up this problem before, so I know my experience isn't unique. I know some people write it off and just say "oh, well they're just interested in your culture!" but like... you kind of know that they're not asking these questions to every person they meet. If you went up to a white person and said "where's your family from?" it would have a different meaning... Or they'd be like "Ohio" or something if their family hadn't just been in this state for generations, and that would be that. You can ask white people about their ethnic background, but there's a low chance they'll have a strong connection to it. I know a lot of people can name their ethnic makeup (e.g. "I'm French, German, and Scottish") but I've never seen anybody get that answer and follow it up with "So what's it like being from Scotland??"

I guess the reason that this is tiresome or obnoxious or generally just unpleasant to deal with is that it implies I don't really "belong" here, because of the way I look. It's not an active discrimination thing exactly, but it's one of those... implicit association things, I guess. I don't get to be just "American", because the default image associated with that is a white person. Gotta be "Asian American" instead, but a lot of people don't really distinguish that from just "Asian", and there's still a connotation of... otherness to it. When you're just American, being American doesn't have to be the focal point of your identity, but when you're Asian American, sometimes it's like that's the first thing people pay attention to, and that's the most prominent part of who you are.

And yes, I know that people aren't trying to be racist or anything by asking questions about my ethnic background, but it still says something about how they view me and people who look like me. It's easy for people who have never experienced it to write it off and say it's just people being "curious" or "interested in your heritage" but like, it really does wear you down over time. It's a hard thing to complain about because other people minimize it, but it gives you this sense of not being normal. It's annoying when people repeatedly tell you that you can't be "from here" because you're Asian. I don't want how people identify me to revolve around my ethnicity. Maybe that's why I like meeting people in chatrooms and stuff... they can't form first impressions of me based on my physical appearance.
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