I didn't make it to the gym before it closed today, so I didn't get to 10 hours this week. Boo. >:(

Maybe it's for the best, though... I talked to Sean about my shins feeling kinda weird (it feels like someone spent about ten minutes kicking them), and he thinks I have shin splints. So I guessssssssss I should probably rest or something... Ugh... I'm looking at compression calf sleeves on Amazon, hoping that will help.

Whatever, I'm going to do a spin class tomorrow morning. That probably won't hurt my shins. I'll just do things with less impact.

For some reason I really like punching the air while holding dumbbells. We did that in one of the classes I took, and it was fun. Maybe I should take kickboxing...

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On the erm... mental(?) side of things, I've been reading this blog all day and I like it a lot. It's written in a kind of clickbait-y way, but the information seems pretty solid. Some of the articles are kind of like extremely condensed versions of things I learned in my classes.

Here's one article:

Top 10 FBI Behavioral Unit Techniques For Building Rapport With Anyone

Based on what I've been reading, it seems like I've more or less been on the right track with a lot of my goals/directions for self improvement, so that's nice to know. On the other hand, it's a little disappointing, because I'm not really getting new directions to go in... I guess I just have to keep working on getting better at the same things.

Things I want to work on at the moment:
-Being able to give anybody a sincere compliment (but also just complimenting more in general-- I have been doing this, at least)
-Giving people genuine smiles (the kind that say "I'm happy to see you!")
-Figuring out what questions to ask that will get people to talk more (this one is tough; I think I need to be able to read people better to do it)
-Finding a good boundary between giving to others and preserving myself
-Saying more positive things to other people to balance out the negative ones, or reframing negative things so they don't sound so bad (I'm realizing that I'm really not very good at this, which is kind of a bummer, but I just need to remind myself more and build up that habit, I think)

Recently I have been thinking about how my mind works. I think... a lot. As in, I think I have a high volume of thoughts. Of course, I can only guess that, since I don't know how many thoughts other people are having, but... based on my interactions with other people, I get the impression that they aren't thinking at the same volume as me. I'm not saying that's a good or bad thing, it's just... a thing.

I guess my coping strategies have always incorporated this in some way, but I don't think I was really aware of it until now? Like, I've never thought I could change the volume of my thoughts. It didn't seem like something entirely within my control. I can change the nature of those thoughts, but not necessarily the number. And what ends up happening is that I try to redirect that mental flow so it's not so focused on negative things. I mean, I could have a hundred thoughts about how much I dislike something, or I could have twenty thoughts about disliking that thing, and eighty thoughts about ways I might try being a better person.

"Don't think about it" has always seemed like some of the most useless advice imaginable to me because of this. It doesn't seem like a resolution, which is what I want. And I don't mean some sort of solved situation out in the external world, just an internal sense of understanding. A reorganizing of the pieces so that they fit together in a way that makes sense to me.

I think these things mainly apply when I'm alone, though. When I'm around certain people it's like my mind shuts off for a bit and I'm just there. This happens a lot when I hang out with Alex K., and he asks me what I'm thinking about. The only response I can give is "I'm not thinking about anything, I'm just being here." It is a tranquil feeling, but it doesn't make for very good conversation.

When it comes down to it, I think I'd rather have some conflict in my life and have things be interesting than be peaceful and boring. Well, if those were the only two options, anyway.

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