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Memores acti prudentes futuri


You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Reflections, and some things that got better
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
I feel like I listen to so much "mainstream" music now that I drive... Just have the radio on all the time...

Still, I guess there's nothing wrong with that. Good stuff stands the test of time.

"Cold as Ice" by Foreigner.

You're as cold as ice
You're willing to sacrifice our love
You want paradise
But someday you'll pay the price, I know

I've seen it before
It happens all the time
You're closing the door
You leave the world behind
You're digging for gold
Yet throwing away
A fortune in feelings
But someday you'll pay


---

Thinking about locus of control in relation to existential psychology and how it relates to my life. I think I generally have an internal locus of control for most things, although to some extent I have more of an external locus for good things (e.g. I'm less likely to believe I have control over whether good things happen to me, and if they do, I might not believe I caused the good thing to happen). I feel like personal responsibility is a tricky subject, and I have trouble being consistent with it. I take too much responsibility sometimes for things when I shouldn't, and then something bad happens and I withdraw and don't want to claim any responsibility anymore, and maybe I sort of... play the victim? I don't know if it comes off that way to other people or not.

In any case, I feel like I have trouble treating this as a grey area, and I just vacillate between extremes. It's hard to know how much anything is ever really my fault. Maybe my alternating happens because I have a tendency to think I'm responsible for everything, so other people try to reassure me by saying I'm not, and then I... overcompensate when I try to listen to them? Need to practice moderation more. :\

On the bright side, I've been feeling calmer and less anxious these past couple days than I had been for awhile. There's a mild ache I'm not sure will go away, but... it's not the worst thing ever. I just......

I've been thinking about how I would act differently if my lifespan was virtually infinite. Many of my actions are heavily influenced by time considerations, and that would change a lot if I had unlimited time. I think I would spend time with different people. I think... I would travel more. Maybe take more risks. Well, depending on the risk. I wouldn't want to spend eternity missing a leg or something. Most of my wants might stay the same, though. I'd still want someone to love and care for.

Oh, another good thing. I think that I'm starting to feel less burnt out. I find myself having more patience for difficult people and empathizing more, at least in some settings. That's a pretty huge relief. Maybe it's easier though when I'm just trying to defend someone who doesn't have other people sticking up for them.
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