Mannn JoAnna hated the house. Or she was annoyed at me for being hungover and is questioning moving in with me. Which is fair. I did show up at 2pm in a t-shirt with messy hair and a giant bottle of water in hand. She was all dressed cute, and had been up since 6am exercising and cleaning and taking care of business all day. The house was better than pictured, I actually really liked it, especially for the price and location. But she wasn't into it and it really is too early to move anyway, Angela gave me until February. This whole thing is too stressful and I really just don't feel like moving. But if I stay here I think I will continue to wallow in this pit of depression I have created. And I honestly CAN afford to move. I just don't want to, because I'm a stubborn little baby.

Something's wrong with me lately. I'm really lonely, depressed, I hate my job. I mean I'm making money so at least there's that, but I'm definitely not happy there. I drink way too much, and the boredom and loneliness fuels that. Whenever I'm not working, I'm hungover and just hang out in my room all day. I am "dating" constantly, but that jus means drinking with dudes. I don't want to fuck them anymore though, because that just pulls me into a deeper pit. I end up having feelings for them sometimes and then I just feel gross when they stop talking to me. I am always thinking that having a dude around will make my life better, but it's not working. I just feel worse all the time. Probably because I'm not doing anything with my life. I used to be the one with their shit together, these days I'm definitely a mess.

I need to get out of Austin. This city is all party. That's all anyone ever does and I'm burning out. This one dude that I met at a bar and fucked/hung out with only TWICE has my favorite pair of glasses, and I really don't want to even call him up to get them back. RIP best glasses 2014.

I'm real sad. REAL sad. My mental health is poor. I'm lost. The past two days all I've listened to is The Sword and Rachmaninov. This is fine but unlike me. Honestly it's probably good that I'm feeling feels. I want to cry but I can't. That's probably how people who usually listen to only metal or classical music feel. Ugh. Why am I even writing who cares.

Sometimes you won't be as "functional" as people who aren't depressed, and that's okay. Do you have a therapist, or anyone to bounce all of this off of--someone who can help you sort out your feelings and treat you positively and without judgement? I have bipolar disorder and know what that sort of low feels like, and you shouldn't have to deal with that alone.
» Unicornasaurus on 2014-12-04 04:08:48

have u thought of doing some hobbies and attend events where u can meet new people?
» renaye on 2014-12-05 09:59:17

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