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unearthing the orb
Thursday. 12.4.14 12:01 pm
Mannn JoAnna hated the house. Or she was annoyed at me for being hungover and is questioning moving in with me. Which is fair. I did show up at 2pm in a t-shirt with messy hair and a giant bottle of water in hand. She was all dressed cute, and had been up since 6am exercising and cleaning and taking care of business all day. The house was better than pictured, I actually really liked it, especially for the price and location. But she wasn't into it and it really is too early to move anyway, Angela gave me until February. This whole thing is too stressful and I really just don't feel like moving. But if I stay here I think I will continue to wallow in this pit of depression I have created. And I honestly CAN afford to move. I just don't want to, because I'm a stubborn little baby.

Something's wrong with me lately. I'm really lonely, depressed, I hate my job. I mean I'm making money so at least there's that, but I'm definitely not happy there. I drink way too much, and the boredom and loneliness fuels that. Whenever I'm not working, I'm hungover and just hang out in my room all day. I am "dating" constantly, but that jus means drinking with dudes. I don't want to fuck them anymore though, because that just pulls me into a deeper pit. I end up having feelings for them sometimes and then I just feel gross when they stop talking to me. I am always thinking that having a dude around will make my life better, but it's not working. I just feel worse all the time. Probably because I'm not doing anything with my life. I used to be the one with their shit together, these days I'm definitely a mess.

I need to get out of Austin. This city is all party. That's all anyone ever does and I'm burning out. This one dude that I met at a bar and fucked/hung out with only TWICE has my favorite pair of glasses, and I really don't want to even call him up to get them back. RIP best glasses 2014.

I'm real sad. REAL sad. My mental health is poor. I'm lost. The past two days all I've listened to is The Sword and Rachmaninov. This is fine but unlike me. Honestly it's probably good that I'm feeling feels. I want to cry but I can't. That's probably how people who usually listen to only metal or classical music feel. Ugh. Why am I even writing who cares.

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tell me what's on your mind because I can't find it
Monday. 12.1.14 3:10 pm
Sometimes I get recommendations on music/movies/ESPECIALLY books from okcupid profiles I look at.
Sometimes I am convinced this is the only thing okcupid is good for.

I have a few days worth of thanksgiving leftovers which is exciting because I won't have to leave my house except for work or to go to JoAnna's house.

Thanksgiving was weird. For one it wasn't on Thanksgiving this year, mostly because I am a dick and would rather work. The night before t-giving, I went out after work with Jo, I didn't even expect I would be meeting her at a bar, so I was just wearing my scrubs (which happens pretty often, most people only know me in scrubs). But anyway I was immediately into this bar, it was pretty divey/neighborhoody and slow. The bartender was chatty which I like. We decided to play a game of pool and while Jo was in the bathroom this sorta gangsta (but not really) looking black dude came up to me and wanted to play next game but he aint got no quarters. I told him I didn't have any more quarters and he walked away. Well Jo came back and she's like a magnet for dudes and he came back and asked again, and of course she was like yeahhhh ok. It ended up being pretty funny, we played doubles and my partner was some fucking dude in a fedora that had been watching but was of course too pussy to say anything. I had noticed him earlier. I asked him if he lived in the neighborhood and he was like blah blah blah yeah since 10 years ago and I used to be sous chef at hillside farmacy blah blah blah suck my dick. I ignored him the rest of the time and just laughed at Jo having a really great time with her partner. After the fedora guy and I lost, we all went outside to smoke, and I ditched fedora but gangsta guy came with us. We're sitting there on the patio and gangsta guy is talking about how he is a freemason and I couldn't hear anything else he said after that. Then this blind homeless guy walks by on the outside of the fence and we're drunk and we're like HAPPY THANKSGIVING like dicks. But he liked it and was like thank you you are the only ones out here to say anything. The gangsta dude asked what size shoe he was and went out to his little tricked out gangsta red honda and pulled out a pair of sneakers and gave them to the guy and a hoodie too. The homeless guy was all excited and proceeded to ask us if anyone had $18 so he could get a night at the hostel. I was drunk and annoyed kinda but mostly feeling weird and left at this point. Hoping Jo would get home alright, she always does.

The next day at work we had a thanksgiving potluck which I had almost forgotten about so I ran to HEB (still drunk) and grabbed a pumpkin pie. Work was pretty dead, just eating and hanging out with my coworkers. Janine was like hey we're kind of a fucked up little family because we spend all this time together. I love Janine but why does someone always have to point that out no matter what your job is. And in my head I'm like, yeah and some of us hate each other.. just like a real family. Janine had met some druggie friend of Meg & Katie's at Meg's farewell party last week, they did a bunch of molly together and are now dating or something. This guy apparently works at Nomad which is my neighborhood bar and I try not to combine other aspects of my life with that bar because.. well I'm not sure why. I just keep that one separate. It's like my little chill spot that no one else involved in my life worries about. ANYWAY Janines guy works there so she was like lets go to Nomad. And I mean it's THANKSGIVING and I love holidays at bars, because everyone there is just like well fuck now what. Which is my favorite attitude. Anyway I say ok. So we end up at Nomad and this guy of hers is just some new door guy so I'm sort of annoyed at the lameness of it all, but also relieved. Because I like that all the bartenders know me and like me, but I don't want to be involved in their social circles and I feel like we all have a mutual respect for that. Anyway Janine also invited one of her best guy friends with intention to set me up with him, and only told me of this after the first few beers. He gets there and he's nice and attractive enough but I'm not really into it. I hate set ups, it's immediately damning. I go up to the bar to get another beer, and I get a tap on the shoulder and it's Phil. Damnit, of course. I mean I kinda figured he would be there, because he's always there, but I was kinda hoping he wouldn't be. Because we hadn't been talking really and I'm finally feeling over it, but I whenever I see him I'm like goddamnit I like him. We talk for a second but luckily Janine and her friend/s buy me a shot (which I hate doing, but it got me out of the situation). We all hang for a little bit longer, Janine and the door guy are making out, and set-up guy is trying to tell me about his band or his tattoos or his bartending gig or something and I'm completely zoned out watching Phil out of the corner of my eye hanging out with his roommate and intermittently talking to girls. We leave.

I work again the next day, get off at 10, and then proceed to drive to Arlington. I told my parent's I'd be in around 2am. Well I get pretty close to town and it's only 1 so I call up Antonio and he and Jess are at Caves. So I make it to Caves by last call, order 2 beers before I even find Jess & Antonio, then I find them, we say our niceties, I chug my beers and one of Jess's and we all head back to her place to actually hang out. While I'm driving I remember I had some molly in my pocket from that same party where Janine got it. I didn't want to do it then, because I had to work early the next day and there wasn't really anyone at that party I liked enough to be rolling with. But I was about to hang out with Jess & Antonio, and I really love them and miss them and feel comfortable being totally fucked up around them. So I take it. We get to Jess's and I feel sorta bad that I'm the only one rolling, but I also feel really good because I'm rolling and I just talked their ears off all night until 6am. It was beautiful and I loved it. I love them. I had never done pure MDMA like that and it was pretty fucking incredible until my dad called my phone at 5am. I didn't answer, but I texted him back immediately that I was alright and I'd be home later in the morning. I felt SO INCREDIBLY guilty, heightened by the fact that my trip was just past it's peak so ALL emotions were intense. I told Jess and Antonio they should probably go to bed and they did immediately. I felt really flattered that they humored me and stayed up ALL night talking. No regrets, I fucking love those fools. Real friends.

I close my eyes for a little bit but I'm still pretty drugged, so I never actually sleep. My dad texts me at 8am saying that Jaime is going to Skype us from China in an hour and I should come home. So I hop in the car and head over there. I realize a lot of the pressure that comes from my family, I put on myself. I felt so guilty because I was fucked up on drugs and visited my friends first instead of them, but they honestly don't care. They like hanging out with me. That's all they care about. Anyway I'm still pretty wired form the molly so I'm able to keep up with the Skype and we all planned Christmas (for Dec. 20th, again because I am an asshole and would rather work). We also celebrated my birthday (which I had honestly by now forgotten about) and there was a gift for me on the coffee table. I open it and it's a bike lock... I actually got legitimately excited. They took me out the the garage like some kid at christmas on TV.. There sits a SUPER CUTE baby blue schwinn hybrid with brown leather seats and handlebars. I love it. It's the first gift in a while from them that they thought was a big deal that I actually loved. I think the last one was a Keurig? And I drink like 6 cups of coffee a day so having a Keurig is just weird. But yeah I fucking love the bike, and have been really wanting/needing one. I love them. I love them..

Then we proceed to have Thanksgiving, my dad cooked a TON of food, all the same traditional things he always does. Pie, etc. It's 2pm now and my dad makes me a bloody mary and my sister and mom drink wine while we're all waiting for the food to be done. I make it through the bloody mary and 2 glasses of wine and then the food is ready, we eat, we laugh, we genuinely enjoy each others company. Then my sister and mom go to the mall for ice skating, I stay home with dad, promised to help him clean, but passed out almost instantly on the couch for the next 4 hours.

I wake up, everyone's gone. The house is pitch black dark. I remembered my dad mentioning something about a get-together going on down the street, and figured my mom and sister were still at the mall. So I hop in my car and head to Denton. I call Lauren ask what she's doing, some show at rubber gloves, ok. So I head straight to Aaron's, hoping to scoop him up and head to the the show, or at least say hi and smoke a bowl then head out, but he's with his new girlfriend (who he still hasn't told me about, nor did he introduce her to me as his girlfriend.. I just know about it from Antonio) and he says they're going for tacos and then going out later. So I'm like ok, well let me know where you end up I'll meet you later then. Totally cordial and normal. I get to the show and no one I know is there yet so I just order a beer and sit down. I forget sometimes how early 10pm is for Denton. I'm sitting there and this girl in a majorly sparkly dress comes up to me and says she thinks she knows me, I know she doesn't and she probably doesn't even think she does, but I appreciate the gesture and go along with it anyway. We start talking but realize quickly we have nothing to talk about. But I'm glad to not be alone, and her friends start sitting down so it's not that awkward. I give up on their conversation and move into the area where the music is happening. It's a noise show, so its super weird and there are people like sitting on the floor and the performer just playing with his soundboard. I've had a really weird few days so I'm actually relieved by how weird this is. I'm starting to get into it and Lauren pops up behind me with a hug. I follow her back out the bar area while she orders a drink. All of a sudden Jacob (her ex) walks in, apparently just to grab his card that he'd left there the night before. Aaron and some other people apparently had also come in for a second to grab their cards, but those bitches couldn't say hi? I was annoyed by that. Then after Lauren orders, Gina & Kevin show up. I say hi to Gina but not Kevin. So ok, Gina & Kevin are this weird swingers couple that Lauren used to live with in Denton (Lauren lives in Dallas now, also just visiting for the night). They're super nice, and I've fucked Kevin (regrettably) a few times. Kevin is weird but kind of a babe, and he came to visit Austin once for a Metallica show and ended up crashing at my place/in my bed. He and Gina were fighting at the time because Gina actually liked the other guy she was fucking and Kevin was jealous. So Kevin was just fucking me out of revenge or something, stayed a few extra days and it got kinda weird. I actually really like the thing Gina & Kevin have going, but I can see it's downfalls. Relationships are fucking complicated though, no matter what. So I mean if you can find a way to make it work for you, power to you man.

I was getting antsy at this show, and getting ready to leave. I announced my departure to Lauren and whoever else was standing around and everyone was overwhelmingly like NO YOU CAN'T LEAVE YET cause the next act was apparently the thing to see tonight. So I stayed and I am glad I read their response correctly. It was so weird. I got into it though. I don't think I'll go home and geek out to noise bands now but I am definitely glad I experienced it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERQYtysxXSg this video doesn't even make it look as weird as it actually was. So I stay for the whole performance of that then see that it is 1:30am so I decide to head over to East Side where I know Aaron probably is. I call him, no answer. I decide to walk the ~6 blocks over there because I kind of needed to decompress from Timeghost. I get there, no Aaron, no Jacob nothing. I'm irritated. But then this guy Gustavo that I met at the dog park in Denton but never really actually hung out with came up to me and was like heeyyy. I told him I was mad but didn't go into detail and he was like well let me buy you shots, so he bought me a FEW rounds of shots and of course I felt better haha, then we headed over to Abbey Underground to play pool. It's really late at this point so he orders a few rounds at once, for me and his friend with him. We play pool, I'm having a blast with these semi-strangers. Last call happens and we get kicked out and it is in this moment I realize I had not arranged a place to stay the night. They are talking about getting tacos so I tag along hoping I can just end up wherever they do. We walk into Sabrocita and because these dudes are mexican haha they just cut the HUGE line and order for us. We never even had to wait. A fight almost broke out in the line about people trying to cut in line. Which was funny to watch as we sat there eating our tacos that we didn't wait for. I gripe about wanting to smoke weed, hoping that will get me back to their apartment, and it does. I ended up smoking way too much weed and I hadn't slept in a while so I start passing out. Gustavo tries to get me up and tells me to take his bed. No thanks I'd rather take the couch. But he won't take no for an answer which makes me really angry so I wake up and go out for a cigarette. He follows me out there and he's pretty drunk but he's got his fancy little camera and starts taking pictures which is bothering me so I'm turning away, and asking him to stop. He doesn't. Looking back I don't get the vibe that he is some weirdo creeper, but this paired with his persistence about sleeping in his bed really bothered me, plus I was super high and paranoid. I keep smoking cigarettes hoping I'll outdo him and he'll just go to bed. He doesn't so finally I agree to take his bed and pass out. Thankfully he leaves the room. A little while later though he comes into the room and gets into bed next to me. I made a point to wake up and be conscious of him. I go to the bathroom and I'm just really angry. My car is too far away to walk to. I would have just gone to the couch at this point but his friend was on it now. I go back to the room pass out for a few hours and wake him up super early to take me to my car. He does without complaint thankfully. And I really don't think he's a creeper but I did not like how any of that was handled. Plus I was still residually mad at Aaron for not ever wanting to hang out. Some best friend.

I get in my car and drive back to Arlington, when I pull up to my parents house my dad is in the garage working on the MG as I suspected he would be. My mom and sister were out ice skating again and he offered me a ride in the MG. I haven't ridden in it yet but I was starving. I said yes anyway. We drove down some weird country roads in mansfield and midlothian just cruising. I told my dad I'm burnt out and I want to move to Colorado after China this summer. I don't think he's really that interested in what I do exactly, just wants me to be okay. This used to bother me, but I like it now, because I can be completely open about my ideas and stuff and it doesn't even matter to him. I really enjoyed our drive with the top down and the last day of November it's like 72 and sunny out. And that car is fucking cool I don't even care. My sister and mom get back from whatever they were doing and my sister heads back to San Marcos because she has school in the morning. I also wanted to head home but I was gonna wait till later at night to avoid traffic. I went out to dinner with my parents to this restaurant Moni's that we always used to go to when we first moved to Arlington like way back. It was super sweet that we did that, it was their Idea and I enjoyed it a lot.

After dinner I told them I was leaving, packed my car full with the laundry I brought home, my new bike, a shit ton of food, and my dog. I met up with Doug ad the dog park and Sky and Ursus got to play for a little bit. Then I went with Doug back to his place and we caught up, and cuddled a little. It was sweet and innocent. My relationship with Doug is so unlike any other kind of thing. I think we just know each other so well that things like that are totally fine. I really appreciate someone not being awkward. We cuddle and tell each other about all the other fucked up attempts at love we've tried to have. Haha it's usually pretty funny. I fell asleep and woke up with a jolt. I had to go. I hit the road and got to Austin about 3am. As soon as I crawled up the stairs and into my own bed at my apartment, I slept for 10 hours.

I'm awake now. And I'm feeling better. Still burnt out, but I recognize it at least. JoAna and I have been texting all morning about living together finally. I feel like she's insane too, but we could coexist well, and neither of us can afford to live alone. So might as well. I'm obsessed with this totally crappy house in the perfect neighborhood where we could ride bikes everywhere in town and LOOK AT THIS MAKESHIFT carport/patio. We could totally make this super chill.

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Sunday. 11.24.13 1:05 pm
I had a very weird dream last night. I never really remember my dreams, and when I do my memory of them is sporadic. In the first part of it I was with my sister, lauren. I found a turtle in the crevice of a fence (in my parent's backyard) and picked it up excited to show her, but it was dead, and she started getting sad. I looked down into my boot and there a was another turtle, alive, and I was trying to get it out. I started panicking because it was hurting and I finally got it out. It was hurting me because it was poking me with it's tiny hard turtle dick. Anyway she was happy about the live turtle.

Then I'm not sure how or why the sequence of events changed but I was having a party, again at my parent's house, but with some friends. There were a few boys (who I knew but at this time can't remember who), Nikki and Chandler. Nikki is a friend from high school, and Chandler a friend from college. I was trying to entertain the after-hours part of a music festival we were going to and offered my parent's place as a place to crash. I directed these people upstairs (away from my parent's room) to hang out while Iook around the house for booze. I found a LOT of beer around (not uncommon at my parent's house) but no liquor. Actually its funny I specifically remember it was a 6-pack of Rahr Stormcloud IPA that I grabbed- a favorite of mine. When I was looking below the cabinets I found a huge (like, bigger than an 8ball) bag of cocaine and a TINY bag of weed (less than a gram). Excited I grab it all and run upstairs. (My parents do not do drugs, or do not openly admit that they do. Nor do they know I dabble). I didn't want to make it look like we did a lot of the coke (for some reason) so I portioned out a tiny bit of it and only planned to share it with Chandler. However once I got into the room Nikki discovered it and proceeded do to almost ALL of it. To the point where I was past being angry at her using up all the coke, but was more concerned about her safety. Then it started coming out of her nose and back onto the record we had broken it up on and she was smiling, and I felt relieved that she knew what she was doing.

Ugh so many

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searching for the answers that I will never find, but that's ok I know what I'm doing this time
Wednesday. 11.13.13 12:42 am
Walking out of work tonight I felt something weird. Not sure what. But I'm pretty sure it's because it's cold again, and that sort of marks one year in Austin. There were a lot of other things that have happened recently that mark a year, like the impending doom of the holiday season, an annual review at work, renewing my lease... But for some reason it was walking to my car (in this really specifically grungy, industrial-looking alley/parking lot) behind work at 11pm when that first cold air of the Texas fall/winter/whatever season that really hit me... really made me feel it. Just remembering what who I felt like I was this time one year ago in this spot in space and time.

A lot of the time I feel pretty lost and confused about my identity and the grand scheme of things. But I don't know myself. And I get very fundamentally frustrated about that. Often. And violently. As time goes on though, I'm coming to realize that I'm definitely not the only one with this problem, and that, by nature, I may never really ever "answer" that "question."

"but that's ok because I know what I am doing this time,"

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And all of the walls that they built in the seventies finally fall
Tuesday. 8.10.10 11:27 pm
Spirit of Eden by Talk Talk. The Suburbs by Arcade Fire. current jamz.

I enjoy having the house to myself for the most part. I feel like I could use some company but I think I often overestimate the therapeutic value of solitude. I had a great weekend in Arlington. Jon is going to Harvard law school in three weeks. That kid is going places. In eighth grade he sat in front of me in history. We both listened to Thursday. We've always been kindred spirits. In high school they declared him special needs, his handwriting was so bad they made him use this portable keyboard thing to type everything out, ha! God I admire him. He just decides what he wants to do and fucking goes for it. People actually do that? Apparently so.

I have brief moments occasionally when I wonder if I'm ever going to stop dicking around and take life seriously. But I mean that's the thing about Jon, its not a big deal to him, he's not a martyr like everyone else seems to be. I keep coming to that conclusion lately. That breakdown of ego. People with that attitude always seem to have it together anyway. Who knows.

I've always had an ego problem. That's, if not, my biggest problem. But during the most recent echelon of my emotional development I like to think that I have gained some humility.

I also saw Ben this weekend. Our 10-some odd minute exchange was bittersweet. I was the one who built a fucking wall. Sorry 'bout that, Ben. I am at peace to know your life is going well.

Jess seems OK. Stuck, but hopeful. She'll pick herself back up, she'll have to learn how, but I have faith in her. We all have to learn how to play the cards we're dealt. She has a particularly challenging set of circumstances to navigate through. She's stronger than she knows.

good night and good luck.

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Got my A machines on the table. Got my B machines in the drawer.
Sunday. 6.27.10 9:19 pm
The world gets smaller every day, but it'll always be infinite. But it's when new experiences are happening less and less often that maybe you can kinda look into yourself ya know? I think I'm on the right route back to accepting myself though.

I'm listening to sleigh bells - treats, and an old favorite animal collective - feels.

everything is ok. even though some things are hard, you eventually learn to do them, and they are still hard, but at least you know how to do them.

But I miss having friends.

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