Sunday. 2.27.05 7:04 pm
A friend of my family died today. I'm not really sure what happened, just old age I guess. I feel so bad for his wife though, i can't even come close to understanding what she's feeling. The closest I can come is when Mike died, but i was never anything more than friends with him and that killed me, but to lose a husband has to be so much worse. I want to do something but i know from experience that hugs and saying im so sorry doesnt help at all. It kinda makes things worse in a way, you dont want pity when it comes to things like that. Its weird, you'd give anything in the world to just be able to spend one more day with them or even just be able to talk to them again or have a chance to say goodbye. I think that if i could bring Mike back for anything it would simply be to say goodbye and to let him know that we all love and miss him. Losing someone is jsut so unfair, i know that it has to happen but it tears at you for so long. Another friend of the family lost her daughter and i could tell how it affected the rest of her family. Even now, after all the time that has past. I guess I understand that though, its not something that just fades away over time, its always right there, you never forget. I mean how could you? Nothing will ever be exactly the same again, you'll always have the tear in your heart that never stops hurting. Some people grow closer after a death I guess, i wasnt closer to anyone after Mike died, i pushed people away because i didnt want to be close to anyone and lose them too. But some people dont think that way so maybe they get closer to their families. I guess that you just have to remember something that a friend told me after watching how distant i was with everyone i cared about; the people we love are somewhere so much better making other beings smile with their presence, and that we should grieve they are not here with us, not because they died. And that you just have to think of all the good memories they gave you and smile. That was something that really helped me when i truly needed it. To tell the truth though it makes me cry everytime i read the letter she wrote that in. I miss my friend more than i could ever explain in words...believe me, i have tried and words diminish what i feel. i feel for anyone that has lost anyone that they loved, its a horible feeling to live with. its honestly true, you will never realize what you have until its gone and you have no way to get it back, and thats the worst part, knowing its simply gone, just like that.
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