So that's what it's like!
Sunday. 1.25.09 3:13 pm
Last night I learned and understood what it's like to be insane. I was talking to Katie at about 12:30, as usual, and I could not stay focused. It was terrible; every other thing we said would set off a "day dream" in my head. This is kind of the process I undergo under normal circumstances anyway, where I process what someone's saying and think of a response. But it usually doesn't get away from me, so to speak...and after I came out of it I could never remember how I'd planned on responding, or even what she'd said to begin with. It's as if laying in bed starts my brain to shutting down, even without my consent. I guess that's a good thing, since that's what I've taught it to do (I used to have real trouble settling down and going to sleep). But it was interesting to experience what it's like trying to fight it.
After I got off the phone, I was still in the mindset of trying to fight it, actually. I kept settling into scenes and ideas but shaking myself out of them because I thought I was still on the phone. It was weird. It's like part of my mind was suspicious of the other. Reality didn't mean much at that point, because I could hardly tell what was more real. Crazy stuff. I mean, I read about that kind of stuff all the time, but it's an entirely different thing to EXPERIENCE it.
I wonder why we doubt other people's experiences so much compared to our own. Say my friend tells me about his skydiving fun. He tells me how exciting it was, about the adrenaline rush, the wind in his face, the feeling of weightlessness...you hear about that kind of stuff all the time. But doing it yourself makes your understanding infinitely better. You didn't just hear about it or see it, you experienced it. And you'll know how your friend felt when you just cannot communicate the experience, how you're stuck with words or pictures, and it's simply not enough. People understand it in their head, but it isn't a part of them yet. Sometimes we don't even know we were missing out on that level of understanding until we suddenly understand with our entire being.
That's one of the things they tell us to be wary of in church. There are people who've gone to church their entire lives, and they think that makes them OK. And they don't realize that they're just window shopping, really. They never experience anything, and they never know any better. Or even worse, they experience God one time and they think that's it. They don't move anywhere with it. It's like if I got a cake, looked at it, and thought, "This cake looks pretty nice." But I never thought to eat a piece. Or, I eventually decide to eat a piece but don't think about the rest of the cake.
There's always more cake to be had; have it!
What a lovely tangent. I think I had a plan for this, but now I don't know what it was.
I should be reading my history book. Later!
Insanity doesn't seem like a big deal to me anymore. :P
» randomjunk on 2009-01-25 03:22:45
My roommate Thalweg recent got a "migraine aura" which are these crazy bouncing zig-zagging lights that dance in front of your eyes, (usually right before you get a migraine but she's never had a migraine before). Some people only see two colors, like blue and yellow, and for some people they're just growing black fuzzy spots. They're very weird and sometimes quite beautiful, so some people have taken to painting what they look like because they're impossible to describe to people with words. It's pretty weird though, it's so hard to really know what's going on in other peoples' heads.
» Zanzibar on 2009-01-25 06:28:58
ps-- I totally know what you mean about God. I feel like there was this one moment back in high school when I was totally in touch with God and I really felt the meaning of Jesus' sacrifice and all that, and I have to say, it's stayed with me ever since, but I've never felt it so passionately as then. It makes me wonder if I took a bite of cake and now I just keep licking the fork to get that taste back.
» Zanzibar on 2009-01-25 06:31:26
Lol! You don't really have to, i was asking about grammar & structure & all that good stuff =P
» ShaShaBoo on 2009-01-27 12:06:40
my fish was returned to me on the brink of death, with the water in his bowl near freezing. Luckily he hadn't contracted an fish diseases in his weakened state, so an emergency program of slowly heating up his water and keeping him from going into shock has brought him back from the dead again. Any weaker fish would have perished. But because of this incident it made me think about people in general, and how sometimes you really like a person but you'd never want to be their partner in a group project.
» Zanzibar on 2009-01-27 09:18:02
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