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For all the cows..
Beginner's Guide (PDF file)
finding an umbrella.
Tuesday. 6.3.08 6:11 pm
Some days I am alive. Some days I am not.

It's simple to think that the people you adore will simply love you. It's simple to make believe that life will pertain to some relevance, that we are not living to die, but living to live. It's days I am dead that I lie dormant. My body, moving and acting without a mind. It's day I am alive that I feel, I live, I hope. I fall.

To you, it might seem like a daily event but the potholes that inconveniently litter my road do nothing for my sense of well being, my sense of security. It's avoiding those potholes that I lose you. I do not care to hold on, the fall is worth the feeling of being alive, rather than looking it.

Maybe it's a mixture of depression and elation that cause such misgivings. Maybe it's the way you raise your hands to your head when your brother dies, when your sister lives, when your dog runs away. Maybe it's because I might be a little too crazy. It's the maybes in my life that form the potholes, that give way to my restless mind.

I look at you and smile, because you've made it. You did not bother glancing around, as I sat in the back of the room but you knew I was there. Giving any recognition would not benefit either of us, I sat smiling at your back and you realizing that I'm there without visual contact, it's enough! It's enough. To know existence. To know when a heart beats and when does not. It's a gift. It's losing your mind everytime the rain kicks in and you realizing that you left your umbrella on the one train that has already departed. I'm sitting there and I'm thinking to myself, I'm drowning. Find an umbrella, I'm drowning.

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