Let's face it. You're a child prodigy in your mid-40s and you're losing your edge. Your peers are talking behind your back and laughing to your face. "He peaked too soon," they all say with smug grin on their face.

What are you to do?

In this modern society, you have two options: take the constructive criticism for the better (and continue to fail), or become a super-villain. Yes, super-villains actually exist; superheroes, however, do not. Nobody in their right mind would put all of their resources and time into stopping crime. The only reason someone would do that is if Greasy Sal the mob lord/pizza aficionado killed their parents and they wanted revenge. Some supposed superheroes claim revenge is their motivation (Batman, I'm talking to you!), but revenge is kind of villainous, don't you think? Some super-scientists are indeed capable of holding grudges, but we'll talk about that later.

The first component to becoming a successful super-villain is to come up with a kick-ass super-villain nickname. Think about your childhood, think about your past. What defines you as a person? Had an obsession with lollipops and lived in the suburban Midwest as a kid? You're The Sucker. Have a collection of commemorative plates lining your hallway wall? The Fine Chinaman. Raised by a flock of migratory water-foul? The Loon. Developing a name and mantra is a necessary step in achieving world-renown wickedness.

The second vital component of a worthwhile career in super-villainy is a nearly unlimited budget with which you can work your wonders. You're going to need some major resources if you want to build that army of bulletproof police-car crushing lobster robots. If you're not the heir of a successful hotel chain or the sole compatriot of a lottery winner, this is where you'll find trouble getting into super-villainy. Some think that an extravagant budget is not necessary to become a super-villain. This belief is false. If you are operating on a small budget, you are not a super-villain, you are a villain. Super-villains are infamous and hated by many. Villains are hated by the two people whose car radios they've stolen. What you should choose to do with your budget depends on your interests, but let me suggest employing an army of able henchmen. Developing some super-weapons utilizing the concepts of atomic fission and pulsar electron emission will prove to be very handy as well.

Once financial matters are taken care of, the next logical step is to find an arch-enemy. There are many super-villains that hate each other, but the most worthwhile and rewarding experience is finding a neutral super-scientist to arch. Find someone that hasn't yet had their dreams dashed, someone who is still respected in the scientific community. That way, when you crush him and all that he stands for in the palm of your hand, it'll be all-the-more rewarding, and you'll be all-the-more hated, feared, and yes, revered by your peers.

Note: try to keep a secondary list of possible arch-enemies. No super-villain has ever failed due to hating numerous, if not all, people. Keep in mind that you might want to change your super-villain title to better arch your super-scientist. If you are arching the inventor of double-sided duct tape, for example, you can be the Teflon Avenger. If you are arching the creator of Hungry Hungry Hippos, you can be the Constipated Pachyderm. People will not forget who you are. Prince was still known as "the artist formerly known as Prince."

The final step to cementing your excellence in super-villainy is adjusting your personality. An admirable quality of any super-villain is utter insanity, which nine times out of ten is confused for genius by the scientific community. Try to develop an intense psychological ailment like tripolar disorder, or illogical fear of soft things, grassy places, and/or homonyms. If all else fails, develop an addiction to a personality-altering prescription drug. Only do this, however, until you become famous, or you might suffer some adverse effects after a while. Besides, you can quit anytime you want, right?

With these steps in mind, you should be well on your way to international vileness. Don't fail to make a list of all those peers that talked behind your back and laughed to your face so you don't forget to show them who's laughing now. A really evil, extended laugh like "Mwahahahahaha!!" will do wonders. Pleasant arching, and enjoy your stint in super-villainy.

ha thanks a lot, now ur going 2 overrun nutang with a whole load of supervillian wannabes :-p

nice post!
» CPKviperpheonix on 2006-04-30 07:28:03

You have inspired me
The world will soon be trembling at my toes! muahahahahahah
» monkeymeister on 2006-05-02 12:08:28

you're too evil. there may not be many superheroes (like myself), but as I'm sure you're well aware of, there are innumerable super warriors of good (like myself).
» dave on 2006-06-03 10:59:29

hey thanks!
» darthkaylee on 2006-06-04 10:24:58

Why, thank you for the comment on my hair! It's so nice to have it shorter. And, I will confess, it's nice to hear other people like it too.

Cheerie-O!
      . . . ?!??!
» invisible on 2006-06-16 07:30:32

Why, thank you! To be honest, I stole the background from some arty website. And the layout is just one of the pre-made ones, with some changes here and there...

P.S. When I read this entry, I thought "How appropriate!" - My school has this annual concert thing, and they get all the bands to dress up and everything. The theme this year is 'Good and Evil'. It's not until November though, so I have plenty of time to become the best supervillain in Canbrizzle, thanks to your steps. =)
» okidpokie on 2006-06-21 06:09:11

wellll
um.... well idk if and the heather becuase i dont know who you are tlaking about. but i did once g=have one and i know you were my firend, so maybe! heather janean
» iammagic_biotch on 2006-06-28 03:18:14

er..... i think it had something to do with peter pan, like peterpanrox_09. but i dont think that is it!! sry.
» iammagic_biotch on 2006-06-29 03:29:13

yeaahhhh
i actually am, believe it or not. it was hard disowning that old nuTang account, i feel horribly bad about it... nice entry btw! very insightful!
» darthkaylee on 2006-07-03 03:18:04

Oh man
If you want to increase your chances of top notch villiany just come on down to the Nutang Warrior Federation (NWF) and vote for me! twill be much appreciated
» monkeymeister on 2006-07-08 12:26:26

man, i remember when i first got here like 3 years ago you helped me out on a few things in the forums. got fed up with xanga and the likes so im back! thanks for your help and keep rockin like a hurricane
» BlackFox on 2006-07-09 10:08:16

It's been a long time.
It seems like I haven't heard from you in a while.. yet, not.
I think typing while under the influence of fatigue isn't the most intelligible idea.

Have a good weekend.
» invisible on 2006-07-29 10:39:34

Hey Ed
WHERE IN THE WORLD have you been, Carmen Sandiego?? :P
» little-b on 2006-08-09 08:28:02

Are you ever coming back? Please? :(
» little-b on 2006-09-10 01:20:38

Sigh and here I was thinking that super-villainy would be the key to having unlimited resources.
» CONDESCENDme on 2006-10-12 01:58:24

your site, its the coolest.
» Samejima on 2006-10-19 10:18:46

Ha ha ha
Very good sell however I would STILL rather be the hero or in this case the heroine. Xena DOES exist! LOL!
» kkama67 on 2006-11-07 02:01:26

Yes.
The only downside is that super villians don't get dental, and I require dental if I'm going to be the Candycane Man. :<
» InsaneFishy on 2006-11-16 01:14:50

impressive
» spunky on 2007-01-16 02:10:28

HEY YOU'RE BACK! WB!
» PsychoEnigma on 2007-01-30 11:46:29

LB!
welcome back! it's a blogging war my brother, a blogging war.
» EffinJOSELL on 2007-01-30 11:47:27

Il Duce ftw!
It is good to hear that they've finally greenlighted the Boondock Saints sequel, although I'm worried that its going to be terrible by comparison to the original.

And this is a great post, hehe.
» ManOfDarkSunglasses on 2007-02-03 01:53:12

Reply.
Yes, I really liked this. Let's not give up, together... We will be great. You dont fuck with Sucker and The Loon!

[Star Wars Theme]


There is no reason for the Star Wars theme I just like singing it.

Ok, see you soon! Cheerio, pip pip and such!
» Invented_Bananas on 2007-02-12 10:36:53

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