What is the deal with ketchup? I don't really see what's so special about it. Everybody seems to love this tomato concoction and slather it on everything they stuff into their orifices. I'm sick of being prejudiced against because I consume french fries at a fast-food joint without this sickeningly-sweet substance. Don't even get me started on the different-colored ketchups. What the fuck could they have possibly been thinking? "Maybe some people just don't like the color red. This will boost sales tenfold!" Ketchup is just one of those things that you
know has to be the center of some grand conspiracy just because it's so popular [see Chicken Noodle Soup].
Today, however, I draw askew from my conspiracy-busting exposés and will instead focus on a likely occurrence of events should tomatoes suddenly become stricken with a concealed, yet fatal, plague.
Ketchup Petey
It all starts one misty morning with a small boy named Petey. Petey awakes and sluggishly makes his way to the kitchen, where his mother has been preparing a tasty delight for him. Little Petey inhales the aroma of a cheese omelet, breakfast sausages, and home-fries [of the diced-up cube-shaped variety]. He sits at the table and immediately drenches the previously-scrumptious delights with about a liter of ketchup. After consuming this meal of ketchup-with-a-side-order-of-breakfast, he continues on with his day.
Now Petey is at school, and lunchtime has just begun. From the cafeteria, he selects the hotdog/french fries/milk combo and proceeds to the condiment buffet. He bathes the hotdog and fries in a pool of ketchup, and in a fit of spontaneity squirts some ketchup into his cool beverage as well. He joins his fellow classmates in the almost-ritualistic consumption of nearly a metric ton of ketchup.
Lil' Petey is finally at his residence, awaiting a hot, home-cooked supper. As it hits the table, he gazes in awe at the juicy steak, mashed potatoes, and creamed corn. Suddenly, as Petey is filling his plate with these delicacies, his father comes running with a bucket of ketchup and tosses it all over all the food and everybody in the family. As they all bathe in the glorious wonder of all that is ketchup, suddenly Lil' Petey notices a strange tingling feeling on his skin. He looks down at his arm and notices a strange smoke with a pungent odor permeating from his pores. Before he knows it, the ketchup has dried and withered off of his skin, which has turned a pale yellow color and begun to stretch and sag off of his body with excruciating pain. The ketchup had been laced with an invisible, odorless substance, unbeknownst to billions. All of his family and the human world has been extinguished in one swift blow to the ketchup-consuming constituency.
Now, I'm not implying that
I would
personally commit such a grievous act; I'm simply explaining the sheer
possibility of such an occurrence. Hopefully you all understand the danger in consuming a food that the rest of the world also eats. This ideology is based off of the same principle as how Prince William and Prince Charles both fly in separate planes just in case one crashes. Therefore, masses of the world, I call upon you to cease from consuming ketchup of all varieties. Lest we shall be known as the Contomatons!
On a side note [to those of you who are eagerly awaiting it], the second installment of my picture book will be up soon. And by soon, I mean like tomorrow probably because this ketchup entry sucks and is totally not funny.
I agree, I don't get ketchep. But theres something even worse ou there, thats almost as popular. That being Mustard, its yellow, watery, and oddly sour. And its also the name of a fatal chemical used in war (mustard gas). I don't understand it, not one bit.
» JINX!!! on 2004-08-15 05:18:33
mustard is gross. and i don't usually eat my fries with ketchup. i like them better plain.
» 2%milk on 2004-08-15 05:22:34
"Everybody seems to love this tomato concoction and slather it on everything they stuff into their orifices."
yeah, it's either that or lube. if they made a ketchup-lube combination, that thing would fly off the shelves and into everyone's orifices.
» LifelessEyelid on 2004-08-15 05:25:04
Mustard doesn't bother me. I especially love honey-mustard. I will dip my fries in that any given day if it's available.
» le_battement on 2004-08-15 05:34:10
The only good things for dipping are BBQ sauce and frosting (for cinna-stix at pizza hut) oh and cheese sauce for pretzels, thats all.
» JINX!!! on 2004-08-15 07:26:18
Barbeque sauce is a whole different matter. Barbeque sauce should be on everything ever. I seriously am going to make a pizza one day with barbeque sauce in place of the regular pizza sauce, because barbeque sauce,melted cheese, and soft pizza bread is an excellent combination [trust me].
» le_battement on 2004-08-15 07:29:31
I agree with the not funny part
just kidding.
Man, if anyone needs any conspiracy theories, or is just bored and wants somthing destructive to do, he can come to your page for a ton of ideas. lol
I don't eat katchup with my fries either, usually. unless they're really crappy fries, then I dab 'em in the stuff, but that's rare.
But I do like katchup in my mac and cheese sometimes.
What would the world do without ketchup?
I don't like mustard.
oh, and nice new layout. I like the colors.
» invisible on 2004-08-15 09:39:25
hm. i couldn't put barbeque sauce on everything....
but i could put ranch salad dressing on everything.... =) chicken strips, pizza, potatoe wedges, etc. mhm!
» jamie on 2004-08-15 11:38:42
"He joins his fellow classmates in the almost-ritualistic consumption of nearly a metric ton of ketchup"
=D I used to eat burgers with mustard and ketchup. It was the cool thing in Kindergarten XD
» Ajibalaji89 on 2004-08-16 10:49:49
Interesting. I don't think I've ever seen anyone eat a hamburger with mustard. I see lots of people going with the mayo/ketchup combo though.
» le_battement on 2004-08-16 10:55:33
i would have to agree with jinx
BBQ is the most amazing sauce ever created. And it really is good on pizza. That was a combination made to be together. Catsup I can definitely pass on. It's ok with an ever so slight amount of mustard on a hamburger. That's pretty much it though. Ranch is also the the other cure-all dipping sauce. mmm.....<3 condiments.
» ladyeyeliner on 2004-08-16 11:13:28
Actually, I'm going to make pizza right now with some BBQ sauce on it.
» le_battement on 2004-08-16 11:17:53
XP
i dont really like dipping everything in ranch... i only like it on salad. but that just me. but im into the whole BBQ sauce thing. i use it like that Petey boy uses ketchup. ^__^
» chocobopnai on 2004-08-16 01:41:27
Well, funny or not,
you've exposed my plans... Now I have to go plan a different course of action for my genocidal rampage.
» desertsnowstorm on 2004-08-16 02:20:05
Nah, stick with the ketchup. You think people are going to stop eating it just because I say so? Pfft.
» le_battement on 2004-08-16 02:23:37
Never did eat the blood resembeling junk.
» JINX!!! on 2004-08-16 03:06:47
Don't compare ketchup to blood. Blood tastes much better. Ketchup is the poor man's blood.
» le_battement on 2004-08-16 03:23:10
poor man's blood...
could you really consider it 'eating'?
» chocobopnai on 2004-08-16 04:47:48
No, but you don't really "eat" or "drink" ketchup, you put it on stuff that you do eat. Same with blood.
» le_battement on 2004-08-16 05:37:27
blood...the other red condiment. yum...
» ladyeyeliner on 2004-08-16 06:24:11
mmm ... ketchup and mayo combination.
reminds me of a popped pimple.
» LifelessEyelid on 2004-08-16 06:55:53
I've discovered that ketchup + mayo = French dressing.
» le_battement on 2004-08-16 09:44:27
ketchup does suck. I mean, come on, is it "Catsup" or "Ketchup"? Damn i Hate that! Oh and I'm also happy you took off those scrollbars, they we're too complicated. Nicely done.
» redintersectsme on 2004-08-16 10:05:49
The two ultimate sauces are blue cheese sauce and of course, Steak sauce. Iput steak sauce in everything. My pizza, mac and cheese, vegetables, all of the meats, bread, cereal, and even drinks. Haha not so much cereal and drinks tho...
» redintersectsme on 2004-08-16 10:08:19
some of your visitors have sick, sick minds.
» jamie on 2004-08-17 01:31:26
i'm sorry, but BBQ is the god of all "sauces" by the way, is dressing considered a sauce, or sauce considered a dressing? and waht about gravy, is gravy a sauce, or is sauce a gravy?
» JINX!!! on 2004-08-17 01:36:39
hmmm ~> bbq pizza that sounds interesting.
Agreein w/ invisible, only on my mac (if it's burned)... thatz pretty much the only time I ever consume this horrid condiment. As for the ketchup-mayo combo, i dispise it. (I nearly died off a burger w/ such combo.) However > if you decide to open a pizza place or sell this recipe to a parlor I shall be there as the first to try it. Seein az bbq sause is the best invention to add to food, I'd be there. :D
» dkzMonkey on 2004-08-17 01:46:41
Awesome. My school has the perfect BBQ sauce to put on pizza. I need to ask them what brand it is sometime.
By the way, JINX!!!, "sauce" is the grand-daddy of all thick fluid-like substances; so yes, gravy and dressing are sauces. In my opinion.
» le_battement on 2004-08-17 08:23:13
My brother's friend is really stupid. He thought he invented the ketchup+mayo thing. He said it was his "Secret sauce." I did that before and I called it my poisonous mutated sauce. BBQ sauce is good. You can put it on anything! For some reason I put it on my eggs ... I guess it's not that unusual or is it? I hunger for BBQ pizza. Actually, I hunger for anything now.
» Ajibalaji89 on 2004-08-17 09:30:15
I used to always get BBQ sauce to dip things like chicken wings or french fries in, but I prefer Honey Mustard now. Nothing beats BBQ Pizza though.
» le_battement on 2004-08-17 11:04:39
You should try A1 Steak Sauce pizza. Mmmm its good. Give it a chance. Jeez jamie, just cuz i like steak sauce doesn't mean i have a sick mind! hahahahahaha death hahahaha
» redintersectsme on 2004-08-17 11:48:01
No steak sauce is disgusting on pizza. You have a sick mind.
» le_battement on 2004-08-17 12:27:47
And when I say "No steak sauce," I mean "No; Steak sauce.."
» le_battement on 2004-08-17 12:28:40
never actually tried steak sauce. i'd rather stick to my instincts and keep 3 bottles of BBQ sauce in the house no matter wat. i'm not sure about 'nething @ my skool ~> if they have pizza and BBQ sauce tho i'll tri it.
(nu skool... not even finished yet)
» dkzMonkey on 2004-08-17 07:55:34
Yeah, we have a few new schools too. My current high school building is less about 9 years old. Before that all they had was one school biulding.. We will soon have 5.
» le_battement on 2004-08-17 09:02:51
ive been 2 my skool once, but from wat i saw between the entrance and the office itz realli big
» dkzMonkey on 2004-08-17 09:43:50
man, if you have to use steak sauce, you are cooking your steak wrong. steak sauce is used to cover up the nasty taste of overcooked meat.
» ladyeyeliner on 2004-08-18 09:18:34
mmm...
never tried steak sauce in my life. interesting how there's a whole conversation on condiments...
» chocobopnai on 2004-08-19 02:26:33
I agree with you there, ladyeyeliner. Nothing like the taste of pure, unadultered meat.
» le_battement on 2004-08-19 06:59:23
But steak sauce.... mmmmmm
» redintersectsme on 2004-08-19 10:02:05
i have no problem with Ketchup
but Ma`yon`naise", n. [F.] A sauce compounded of raw yolks of eggs beaten up with olive oil to the consistency of a sirup, and seasoned with vinegar, pepper, salt, etc.; -- used in dressing salads, fish, etc. It is definitely a conspieracy.
» monkeymeister on 2004-08-19 11:00:43
i have no problem with Ketchup
but Ma`yon`naise", n. [F.] A sauce compounded of raw yolks of eggs beaten up with olive oil to the consistency of a sirup, and seasoned with vinegar, pepper, salt, etc.; -- used in dressing salads, fish, etc. It is definitely a conspieracy.
» monkeymeister on 2004-08-19 11:00:51
i mix up mayonaise and soy sauce and dip artichokes in it. thats the only time i like mayonaise.
» jamie on 2004-08-20 01:16:35
I'm getting off subject because you people are making me get cravings.
*looks left
*looks right*
Yes. A1 steak sauce is delicious. and once again . . . I'm slooow
» Ajibalaji89 on 2004-08-20 08:35:05
nonononono
the only real "sauce" you can put on pizza is ranch dressing (which, according to le_battement, is a sauce).
» LifelessEyelid on 2004-08-21 11:49:09
lifeless, you are my hero. FINALLY someone agrees with me!!!
» jamie on 2004-08-22 01:32:24
on your comment...on my "other" page
"mad_about_orli"...i did not buy a Chevy but I went to a resturant called "Chevys" haha...not old enough to drive yet..sadly...and now i will comment on your site. i haven't had a chance to look at it when you first had the new layout but now that i see it, it is very b-e-a-yoo-tiful!
» Orli_My_Love on 2004-08-22 01:53:32
<3 chevys!
» jamie on 2004-08-22 11:34:17
NuTang Chat:Yams
Ok, well I went back to your nuTang Chat thing page. and it reminded me of those acronyms people made up for NAVY(never again volunteer yourself), marine(Muscles are required intelligence not essential), etc. So I thought up one for YAM. You're Another Moron. Hmm, I don't know where it came from though. The Yams are an elite group trained in Yam fighting. Yes . . . I don't know. I guess I'm bored.
» Ajibalaji89 on 2004-08-22 04:04:23
:-D
I don't usually go all quiz insane, but those were just too girly to pass up. I mean, "What hand bag are you?" lol
» AshleyEverhart on 2004-08-22 09:19:57
hehe, handbag...i hate ketchup
» JoLiE (205.188.116.21) on 2004-09-06 02:26:00
Hey I love ketchup as a lube for sex. Wank with it, suck it off a guys cock, it's all good. Go ketchup and sex!!! Try it and email me your results. [email protected]
» Travis (144.137.219.35) on 2004-09-14 07:56:51
LOL....
You're funny!!!! I however.. HATE ketchup.. i hate tomatoes in ALL FORMS.... now ranch dressing on the other hand... is potently yummy and i devour it on almost anything...
» Kahne_Earnhardt_Fan on 2004-09-24 05:25:25
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