Someone said I looked tired this morning...I responded with "Yes, I'm always tired...tired of life..." It's just one of those mornings already...depressing as hell.

I hate my boring commute where I'm sitting in my car all alone, I hate coming home to a house where I'm all alone, I hate sitting at work where I'm mostly alone (except for the fun communication I get with the outside world...ahem)...life is pitiful sometimes, but I still wake up every day and I deal with it. I think that's the shittiest thing about it...

But anyway, today will be slightly busy. I have a number of things to do today and I will quite possibly have someone sitting with me all day so she can learn what I'm doing. We'll see though...every time that happens, it never seems to work out and I'm back here, alone, as usual. No one will ever get trained to do what I do and I'll be back here the week after I have my baby because there'll be no one to fill in for me. That'll be just my luck.

Sometimes I regret even having this baby...I could have had so much going for me and now it's all gone. Now it's all expressed toward having and taking care of this baby. All my money for bills is going to go towards diapers and baby stuff. I can't even attempt to find a job in the field I graduated from school in because I'm having this baby. The times that I do attempt, they turn me down for some stupid reason (only because they can't legally tell me they don't want to hire me because I'm pregnant...that's discrimination)...Now it just seems like I wasted the past 3 years of my life getting this Bachelor's Degree and I'm not even using it.

On the other hand, I can't say that I hate that this baby is coming. I do think that it is a blessing at times, but I just wasn't prepared. I still think even after he gets here, I still won't be prepared. Brian is getting really excited about the baby being here, but he's not even there to support me half the time. I have half-hearted ideas that he'll actually be living with me by the time the baby arrives. I can only hope that it will be that way, but he just keeps telling me that he'll be there soon. When is soon? Next year...next month...next week? I mean, the other night when I was having those back pains and stuff, it would have been nice to have someone there to give me a back rub and help me relax (like they discuss in the baby class we go to on Tuesdays), but all he could do was sit there and talk to me on the computer. He had no desire to even come over...is it going to be the same thing when I'm in labor? Is he going to sit there and just talk to me and tell me "that sucks" and let me just sit there by myself? I honestly can't help feeling that way only because he's never proven me any different.

Ugh...I don't want to talk about that anymore. It's depressing just thinking about it and I really don't want to be more depressed than I already am. Maybe I'll write more later when the day has gotten even worse (as it has not even started here yet)...

Dear lzaypuppy
Pregnant – lol. This is only natural what you are going through. At least you are willing to share this and admit this. Thanks. Recon it is like buyers remorse once someone has bought a house and has to start the upkeep, or the wedding nerves right before actually walking down the isle. The baby is and will change you life and a lot of diapers lol. However; you are giving up nothing. All is only on hold. Once you and the baby have adjusted, you can continue with your career, pick up where you left off, or begin again. As for the money, if it wasn’t going to waste on dirty diapers it would be going to waste for toilet paper lol or something else. Well it is the winter and there is such a thing as the winter blues so get yourself a nice cup of hot chocolate with lots of marshmallows and allow yourself a good cry. You deserve it! Your life is going to change, you are going to change a lot of diapers, and things will stink for awhile. But in the long run things will be all worth the crap!
» JMC on 2006-11-21 01:46:15

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.