I don't think I ever got it before. I used to think, "All I want to do is be like a God, to be powerful, to be beautiful, to be admirable". Who knows, by time you read this, you might feel the same way. It is not a bad thing. I thought it was. I harbored it, this guilty desire that I was so ashamed of. All of the literature, all of my classes, the religious leaders they all told me that it was bad to want to be a God, that it couldn't be done and though I respected their judgment, I just couldn't let myself believe it. It was just depressing to think that I was this lowly wretched creature, to think that I was evil and sinful and no good could be made of me, I couldn't stand that. So I kept my head down and I said to myself, "You do not want to be like a God."

I realized that I wasn't very happy. I didn't know why, though I had a lot of ideas. Culture, religion, my own social awkwardness... all offered themselves as solutions to my problem. Since I had decided that I was going to figure out how to be happy, I knew I had to fix something. Fixing my culture was impossible, fixing my religion was blasphemy, fixing myself was an endless affair, so what was I supposed to do? So I started by just aiming to think positively. It is not as easy as it sounds to begin with, but it does get easier. I practiced and I practiced, but still I was falling short. I read books and I listened to tapes and I learned more about being positive and yet all around me, I saw my world disappointing me. My past seemed checkered with my own insensitivities, lost friends and enemies made, my culture and religion didn't make any motions to disagree. I was able to mollify my enemies when I wasn't trying to be happy. What a horrible contradiction! So I fought and I fought my new found happiness at the whim of nature.

Finally, it clicked. It was an "Ah-ha" moment, much like all the other things I've learned before like riding my bicycles or geometry. It just takes one thing finally explained correctly at the right time and then I've got it. I understand it and I can go back to it. The realization was this:

I am mortal.

Isn't that silly? But it's true. I am mortal. I lose friends. I make enemies. I try too hard. I try too little. I am buffeted by the wind of my own circumstance. I wish I was a God. I AM mortal!

And then... I smiled.

XO!
Very insightful JINYU! I think that often we get frustrated by falling short of perfection but if we realize that we will never get there-- it takes a huge burden off of our shoulders. Thanks for giving me something to think about!
Rachie
» PinkCoconut on 2007-11-13 09:17:14

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