lucky cha cha cha!

You feel betrayed over something that happened over a year ago? You feel betrayed because of stupid little words? Words that had no effect over anything until you chose to unleash your wrath upon me with them? Hey, if I knew that saying such a thing would pretty much destroy my life, I wouldn't have said them, believe me. I tried apologizing, but no, that's not good enough. You knew I wouldn't be able to say it to your face? Huh? Oh okay, completely ignore the fact that I wrote a full page, not even spaced!, explaining to you why I had to do it, apologizing my heart out for it. Just focus on the fact that I can't even say it. Because if I do say it, God forbid I break out in tears and can't even finish a sentence because my life has just been so fucked up because of it. Four little words! You're overreacting!

Well, I know you've forgiven me for it. But think about what it's done to me, please. I mean, once the spotlight comes off of you for just one second. I feel like nobody even trusts me anymore because of the barrages of "OH, WELL, I THOUGH I COULD TRUST EVERYONE"s that you threw all over the place. Every time a survey asks what a friend should be, the first thing you write is "trustworthy". And I know, I'm 100% that it's all because of me. Because of something that really had absolutely NO effect on your life, whatsoever. Thinking about it now, I think you just blew it way out of proportion because I've been a really bad friend from the beginning. That you just wanted to break it off then so that we wouldn't have to be friends anymore when we'd split up for high school. Because really, I told him that. Fine, I know it was wrong. He left the school a few months later. And ten months later, you get mad at me for it! Well, it was torture enough having to keep my secret a secret from everyone. And you flaunt it around to everyone, including him!, and you expect me to realize that it's still a secret. It's not like you're making it obvious enough already! (That last part made no sense.) He told no one before he left, and nobody he talks to now probably cares about the little crush that a girl at his old school had.

Oh, back to why I'm writing this. Okay, this happened a long time ago, probably a year ago, and I know you've forgiven me and everything, but I still feel so outside of your group. Is it that you don't want me to hang out with you anymore because you've got so many better friends? Are you just leaving me behind because of a little molehill that you made into a mountain? Please, totally disregard the first twelve, thirteen years of our lives, when we were best friends. Hell, I didn't know that a guy would break us apart. It wasn't even directly his fault either! It was the fact that you liked him and I told somebody. I did one thing and that completely destroys your trust in me. I know you have so many better friends, friends that you'd rather take places instead of me. I know that you have that kind of influence over them that they'd rather hang out with you instead of me too. So I get left behind not once, not twice, but three times by them. And you probably only asked them once to go to the carnival and they said sure! And you all went along, took pictures, had the time of your fucking lives, and posted them on the internet for all, including people that you didn't even fucking mention it to! to see.

I'm overreacting, I know. You did it too, though, admit it. I know you've forgiven me, and honestly, I wasn't really mad at you. (Well, except for that whole, "I had the guts to apologize and you don't even acknowledge it?!" thing. That pissed me off.) I'm more mad at myself. I'm even more pissed at myself now for being such a damn loner. I haven't gone out with friends or anything since I went to Six Flags last June, and that was just with two people. I invite almost all of the friends that I had, which isn't really a lot even, maybe around ten, and only two of them could show up. One of whom I didn't even invite at first 'cause we're not that close. Two other people canceled at the last minute. Oh, it's not like we're buying the tickets in advance guys. Just cancel after we've bought them so that we can have (paid for) leftovers! Yay! The last time I had seen more people than that was almost a month ago already. I've been planning to go to the mall with people, but they keep canceling the day of and I'm just not bothering anymore because I'm almost certain that they're doing it on purpose because they hate me. Hey, when they first invited me, I was sure that they were only doing it because they felt sorry for me anyway. Sorry because nobody wants to hang out with me anymore because of all the shit she's probably told them about me behind my back.

Hah! I'd try to make friends at school, but that's complicated. I know a bunch of people at school, I'm friendly with them, but they have their own friends. I'm just another acquaintance they have. The problem is, I don't have any friends to turn around to after seeing 'acquaintances' at school. And everyone lives so far away that I can't go to their houses or anything for fun. The mall is a long way to drive to hang out with people that probably have other friends they'd rather hang out with. The friends that live close by and ride the bus with me have their own lives, their own friends that they'd rather hang out with as well. So where does that leave me? I want to think that my old friends are the one that I'd turn to, but they don't want me around either.

So, as a result, I'm stuck at home all day. It drives me crazy.
I tell people that I see texting a billion people at a time on their sidekick or enV, "Man, I'd trade anything to have a life like yours," and they say, "No, you don't want my life, trust me!" but really, I do. Having a bunch of people, dealing with drama and all that, I want that. It's better than moping around by myself all day because I feel like nobody likes me. That's the worst feeling in the world, really. Well, really, failure is. But that's a failure in itself. (That didn't make sense either, what?)
I think about it even further, and instead of trying to talk to my friends and all that, I mope about it on the internet to people who could care less. I'd talk to them, but whenever I do, it feels so forced and I get the feeling that they don't want to talk to me and that just ruins everything. So I avoid talking in general.
I don't know, everything I do seems to screw up everything else. Really, if it weren't for my grades and the prospect of a better future (? hah!), it would feel like I have nothing to live for.

I'm probably just being emmooootionaaaallll/nitpicky/whatever. I find flaws in myself, flaws in other people, whatever. I think way too much, trying to find reasons for everything, ranging from what other people do and think and feel to blaming myself for everything, and this is what it does to me.