I was on the phone with Joel today and he and I talked about some stuff that I was thinking about later tonight. We were discussing the ways our life philosophies had changed since we were younger and it made me recall a feeling I used to get a lot, now it's rare.

When I think about stuff that makes me angry or irritated, or people I don't like very much or who I feel act maliciously towards me, or anything that just makes me unhappy, I get tense. I wrinkle my brow and my shoulders and chest get all tense and I feel like I want to kill everything I see. Okay, not that severe but you get the idea: my focus is ruined and I can't think of anything except how angry I am. It's a sad state. It feels like I'm possessed by fear and anger and I often feel like I'm the worst person in the world and nobody anyone should look up to because I am clearly nobody who is at peace with himself.

I often think/thought this very same thing about the people I was directing my mental ire towards; I project these qualities of being awful people on those people. It's a funny situation and I wonder how much of any of that crap is true ever. Now I'm starting to think none of it is, and that the only person who has really ever been plagued with a guilty conscience is me. And believe me, I have enough things to guilt four people's consciences down to utter self-loathing.

Of course sometimes I feel bad for having ever thought this stuff because it's embarrassing to know that you once thought like an animal. But I'm coming out of that cloud now. I have a million stupid little problems and a million people I could blame for every one of them and I don't care anymore. I'm happy with me and what I'm doing in my life; where I'm going; my goals and my achievements; my progress and lack of progress. Everything has been going really right for me and I'm writing this entry to celebrate that a bit.

I have been talking to this awesome girl lately. Her name is Sarah and she is very fun. She is the aforementioned Hot Lock Haven Girl. And she is coming out to meet me on Friday and I'm excited. I have no idea how it's going to go; only how I want it to go. We have talked on IM every day, so I think I will call her tomorrow if I get half a chance or an inkling. The reason I'm writing this tonight is because we had kind of a "miss" conversation. It wasn't eye-opening or terribly interesting or even all that happy, just a lot of laughing and not much actual talking. So, back to the reason I'm writing: I have an utterly unreconcilable feeling inside me right now. I feel nervous that I may have said something stupid and this meeting on Friday will suck as a result, but at the same time I feel just as strongly that I don't care, and that neither of us did anything wrong; moreover we both did everything right and I'm just getting impatient and I gotta breathe. No need to get super-obsessed over someone I may very well end up hating, and no need to rush into anything if something does develop.

That is how my philosophy of living has changed. I still get all the same old feelings I used to get, but I take them for what they are worth and understand them before I reject or accept them. I guess those two words are too harsh, so what I really mean is "before I talk myself out of it, or acquiesce to agree." I'm convinced one of the secrets to life that I had been pining for so badly, I have not only found, but I can explain it: go with the flow. Be gentle with yourself beyond a wholesome discipline, as Desiderata in my module says. Don't pedal against the current, because all things are moved ceaselessly into action by forces of Nature and it is foolish beyond belief to try and change Nature.

I can't change shit. Back when I was voting for Kerry in November, I had this idea that because I got all pissed off about the possibility that George Bush could get re-elected, and a bunch of other people did too, that my collective irritation would bring a change to the results of the election. Of course that didn't fucking happen. I smacked my forehead until I was bruised for thinking such a retarded idea. Now if I could go back and do it again, I still would vote the same way. That wouldn't change because George Bush represents everything not peaceful to me*. But that youthful stupid fucking collegiate idealism went out the window with my hopes of the guy getting elected. Which I suppose was a really good thing for me because I had gotten angry at a lot of my friends for staying out of the fray. Blah blah.

Oh well. These things you learn I guess.

*see second paragraph.

There is no point to this rambling piece of crap entry. Just some things I was thinking about.

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