Wow, have I been busy or what?

Technically, I'm still busy. Being sick the past weekend didn't help matters much, either.

I'm writting this here because I have no where else to go with this.
I don't know what to do. I mean, I know where I'm headed (kinda) and it's an allright plan. Key word: Allright. I'm studying to work on tech in some theatre troupe or building. Just something (anything) off stage relating with theatre. Why? Because I've always loved theater and they pay great.
What else am I intending to do with my life? What else do I plan on doing? What other great adventures await?
I plan on getting a good stable job along those lines. I plan on getting paid. I plan on living in a home of some sort with lots and lots of books.
That's it.

And I don't know how to feel about it.
Part me of is screaming that this is all I want. I don't want anything else. I'm tired of everything else. But then there's this other part of me that doesn't like it. I fear it, almost.
Live my life alone, with nothing other than work and simple pleasures to entertain me until my death.

I used to want something completely different. But honestly, I still don't know what I want. I guess I'm terrified. Not scared. Terrified. Beyond what anyone else can see. I've told a few others. But ultimately there's nothing anyone can do.
I love alot of people. I love alot of my friends, but I still have issues. I still think that they may leave me at any moment. There's only 2 people who I can honestly say won't leave me out of nowhere. And by God, have they FOUGHT to get to the place they're at now. And even though I know they won't leave, I still have tendencies to fear it. Tendencies which I often have to ignore and remind myself that it's not like that. But that's just with these two people.
Everyone else?
Well, frankly I EXPECT everyone to leave my life. It's only a matter of time in my eyes.

So, when it comes to love life scenarios...
Well, I know that so much shouldn't weight on one person, but truth is, it does.
I just don't know if I can trust anyone anymore. People keep telling me "it's not like you two were married." And I know we weren't. That's a duh. But... I don't know. I can't help but think, if someone can stay with you for so long and say they love you and all that crap, then just get up and go the following day... What would stop someone else from doing that?
What does commitment mean this day and age?
Nothing, so it seems.
Marriage sucks ass, from what I've seen. People can't even respect THOSE vows.
I can't do that. I can't manage it. I'm not strong enough. I couldn't deal getting in another relationship where the person just gets up and goes.
And I don't trust anyone.

So, what do I do? I do the pansie thing and fold. I cry and moan and ditch. Sometimes I don't know if that's foolish of me or very wise. I hate it, because it makes me feel like such a quitter and such a cry-baby. But at the same time, I look at the reality of it all and come to the same conclusion every time.
I can't do it.

So, again, what do I do? I choose a path where I isolate myself. Awesome, huh?
But what else can I do? It's not like I can just trust people to stay. And it's not like anyone is even helping that along.
Nearly every day people seem to leave my life.

I just don't know. I just don't get it.
I'm not content, but I don't know if I can risk anything ever again.

But then again, it's not like I even hang out with people my age anyways.
I swear I feel like Giles, usually. But at least Giles was cool and british.



But I should be heading to sleep now.
I have to wake up early to go to the Kimbell Art Museum so I can draw two things from there. Then head to my Stagecraft class. Followed by work, where I will now be the only tutor with about 5 kids on average per day to help (even though most need personal assistance), because the last 3 tutors left. Yeay. Then I have to come home and do a self portrait for the following day (scary).
Wish me luck.
Oh, and again, story will continue sometime soon.

"Commitment" means living together and using the same bathroom. :P
» randomjunk on 2007-02-18 11:49:23

I know what you mean. I like you, had a huge fear of abandoment, but didn't even realize it until my boyfriend pointed it out to me. It took me 7 years after realizing how I was to get to this point and I still have that fear hanging around in the deepest part of my mind. I hope you are able to figure out what is best for you.

Btw that's why I don't put much faith in marriage, but in actual relationships. Being married doesn't mean things will work out. Being commited to each other and the relationship you share does.
» Katrina on 2007-02-18 11:59:51

1. you HAVE been incredibly busy. Even insanely, if I may be so bold
2. I'm glad you're feeling somewhat better (physically, that is)
3. I've certaintly begun to share your views on marriage.
4. So, the Kimble thing is tomorrow? Geez.
5. I vote for you somehow scanning your self portrait and putting it up here.
Seriously.
» Helena on 2007-02-19 12:20:03

Tech work in theatre pays good? Really? Like how much?
» kKAMa67 on 2007-02-19 11:29:14

About the marriage bit: 1 % of all marriages end in divorce in Jordan. I was trained to believe that all marriages in the middle east were arranged til I did some more research and it seems as though people, atleast over in Jordan, can not only find love on their own, but sustain it. I suppose its a culture thing... kids don't play house before they get hitched over there either, and they date for alot longer than we do over here.

I kept making plans to go to Kimball my senior year in HS, but I never got around to it.

Sleep is for the weak. And the weary.

I think that you can risk shit, but you just don't want to. In my assessment, you're scared to take a risk and you're content with where you are, but not with who you are.
» Dilated on 2007-02-19 04:52:16

Hope you are feeling better.
» kKAMa67 on 2007-02-22 11:40:17

ha ha ha
I know! and did you notice that her own father called her that twice?? That is disturbing!
» kKAMa67 on 2007-02-23 01:58:44

Oh elessar where have you been? I miss your sarcastic ass. haha!

Yeah, when I said "A" dragon I was trying to be a little sarcastic myself... cuz I'm cool like that. :p
» KkaMA67 on 2007-02-25 09:16:17

Tell me what you spy thinks of the movie! :)

I think they are going to have to get him to change more then his voice. I mean from the picture the authors painted wasn't Ras supposed to look like death? His golden colored skin, thin, sickly, etc. Am I getting my character's mixed up? I haven't read it in ages so I wouldn't be surprised if I am. XD
» Katrina on 2007-02-27 01:44:57

Just stopping in to say hi!
» MsFit on 2007-03-01 03:00:22

Dude, MsFit just wants you to win things on the internet. I think she is a fake.
I posted that video because my friend sent me a link to it. He said it was a good conversation ender. Why do you ask?
» Zanzibar on 2007-03-02 12:26:18

Dude, elessar, you're freaking me out man. What's the problem?
» Zanzibar on 2007-03-02 09:08:34

i haven't read any entries lately... sorry i didn't really read most of this one (just being honest) but i wanted to say hey because when the main page came up my little marilyn was next to your tiger and since she looks off to the right, it looked like she was looking over at yours and i thought it was a sign i should say hi. thats all.
» crochetmama on 2007-03-02 09:03:13

You were sick. are you better now? It is good to see you back on line.
» KkaMA67 on 2007-03-03 12:40:22

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