It's 3 am.
I'm pissed.

There's a knot on my right shoulder. I want to kill it before it kills me. Seriously.
I haven't had these knots for a long while. Since before that summer.
I know now why. Part of it is my brother. My stupid ass brother. My stupid ass bastard of a half brother. He called yesterday while I was at work. He didn't leave a voicemail. I never called him back. My mom told me today that my aunt told her it was because his van brokedown. She said, "I told you it had to be for a reason." I looked at my mom with the most apathetic look I could possibly get, "I guess he didn't really need me. He didn't leave a voicemail." I've told me my mom already, if he refuses to talk to her then he's not my brother. He's my brother because of my mom. Without her there is no me.
My shoulders are tensing more.
My mom tells me to forgive and calm down. Do the christian thing. I've always told everyone, "You can do whatever you want to me, say whatever, destroy whatever, I won't care, but mess with my mom... you better pray you die quickly along with all your family." My mom is beyond my soft spot. You jab there and your certain to die. I've snapped at my friends for even mentioning her. And no, I feel no remorse over it. I warn everyone equally. If you dare to step over the line, you get what's coming to you.
Nevertheless, this is something that can and will only be worked out when I talk to him. It's only a matter of time...

The other thing under my skin, that has caused me such disturbing dreams, is a dear friend of mine. There is one other thing that'll piss me off, if you ask for my advice and you don't take it. It didn't used to be bad. It's just slowly progressed to this. It's as if my words carry no weight. They mean nothing. A vast nothing...
The concept of nothing has always drawn me in. What's nothing? What's the value of zero? Can one really define it? To one living in the city, it would mean a moonless night. Nothing. But that is such a facade in itself. Anyone who's been out in the country knows that. The night sky isn't empty. It's full of vast marvelous lights. It's never ending. That's one of the things that's always drawn me to Zanzibar's site. It always reminds me of what a lie this world tries to sell me. That we are the only things here. We are the only things that matter. That there is nothing above us. She knows the truth. I know the truth. There's life everywhere! Even if it's not really "alive". Heck dirt isn't alive. But you can shape into such wonderous things and it almost seems as if it is. It's speaks to some of us, I've heard. Much as stars and moons, speaks to others. But they are not "alive", not really. I love it.
I dwell in this truth. I love the truth. Once you start to get closer and closer to the truth everything else that is a lie becomes nothing more than a disgusting thing. When someone tells you something as simple as "Wish you luck!" when in reality they could give a rat's ass, it's as if someone came up to you and opened your mouth and grabbed their own excrement and force fed it to you. Pretty vile, huh? Imagine what a stronger lie entails.
All this to say that these lies, which even though were not intentional, have driven me mad. I didn't realize it 'till today. Now anything she says means this "nothingness" that I spoke of earlier. Nay, "nothingness" is a concept still up for debate. What she says means lies. I know she doesn't mean it. I know she really cares. But her heart is somewhere else. It's tangled in all these webs her hometown built for her. If she could but only see that the longer she remains there, the more time the spider has to get her. But as often is the case, if she just shakes about in the web and doesn't come free, the only thing she's doing is calling the spider to come down for dinner.

Well, if the weather is consistant, I can stand it, but over here it's not constistant. It's really hot one day, then its really cold one day. it wrecks people's immune systems. I have a strong immune system but if the weather fluctuates like that too much, fuck it, that notion is out the window. I used to live in Dallas when I was 9, so I know how hot it gets there.
» PsychoEnigma on 2007-01-10 02:12:34

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