I lay there, on the edge of someone else's bed and in a room that's not my own, loneliness wrapped around me like a blanket. A blanket that no matter how much I snuggled into, I could find no warmth in. Fighting off dreams that vear off into possible nightmares. It's hard not to fall back asleep, though. It seems that the real nightmares are in the place I see when my eyes are wide open. For the past few weeks, if not months, or possibly even over a year now, I would let myself fall into such a coma. In a place where I, nor nothing else, exists. This time it's different however, I want to fight. I want to open my eyes and be glad to have done so. Yet every time I open my eyes, Reality is there, inches from my face, staring back straight into the depths of my eyes with no trace of compassion.


I haven't been going to class. It's been over two months now, I think. Yet, every morning, I wake up early (in time to get to class, of course). I get ready. Have a quick breakfast, if time allows. Get in my Jeep. Get on 820 heading north towards campus. I then exit Silver Creek. Head west. Trough sharp curved roads sorrounded by trees. I park at "Camp Joy" park. I then do one of two things: I either get off and contemplate what the hell I'm doing, or if I'm still tired, I remain in my Jeep and sleep for a bit. After a few hours of having done so, I get back in my Jeep and go back about my regular business. As if nothing has happened. As if what was supposed to be done, was done. I go home. Get something to eat. Go to work. Then do whatever it is I do after work, depending on the day. Probably something with the youth. You know, lead. Guide. Direct. All the things that I lack.
Recently, though. I haven't even been going to the park. My friend Robyn, which you all may have heard off in previous blogs, has kindly allowed me to go hang out or sleep in her apartment. I mostly sleep. The moment I can, I leave. I care for her. I don't know why. She doesn't want to care for me. I know I deserve to be treated better. But then again, maybe I don't. I had what felt like a hundred dreams as I lay in her bed today. She laid "next to me", but what really seemed like the complete opposite side of the room. As if I was some stranger lying in that bed with her, not a friend she's known for years. The dreams had little sense. I kept kissing her. Then I'd realize that it couldn't be real and I'd wake up. But then we'd kiss after I'd wake up, only to realize I hadn't really woken up. And so on and so forth for a bit. In a couple of these odd scenarios she would be a little girl who would rapidly change into the girl she is now. Then I'd wake up. I also got upset and walked out of the office building and into the street where I flicked my cigarette in the direction I had come from. I was through with her crap. So, I lit another cigarette only for it to turn to ashes as quickly as it was lit. I'd try litting one after another, only for the same results to come about. I was frustrated with my cigarettes. Then I'd wake up. I was with my dad and he wanted to watch a movie. I got in my Jeep and drove by the Stock Yards here in Fort Worth. A white and brown bull in a pen was making a big fuss as I drove by. He busted out and chased my Jeep. It somehow caught up with my Jeep and went in front of me to face me. I tried to either back up or drive around it. Somehow I just couldn't. It rammed my Jeep. Then I'd wake up. At one point or another I got tired of all these dreams, forced myself awake. And left. This time it was real. I came home and slept until it was time to go to work. I slept an empty, dark, and dreamless sleep.


I'm not happy with the way things are now. Not that it takes a Freud to figure that out.


I don't know what to do. I'm not looking for help this go around. I'll listen to any thoughts, but this time I've realized this a far deeper hole than I thought I was in. No one seems to grasp my situation. Not clearly anyway. The few that do are as lost about it as I am.
My dad's feeling guilty about how he's been spending his money. My mom brought to his attention that we know of all the vacations he takes with the other woman and his family. He tried to deny it for a second. My mom told him to not even try it. So he's sending my mom and me to the Bass Hall to watch the Nutcracker. I'm excited. He's also wanting to send me on vacation to London. Just me. I fear if he does that, I may not want to return. I'm crazy and desperate enough to do it, too. All I'd have to do, is keep lying about the son they think they have. Keep pretending that I'm something to be proud of... just long enough to get on that plane. Just long enough to find a way out.
I'm such a wretched being... I hate lying to my mom. Even to my ill-mannered father. But I just don't know what to do... I don't know.


Maybe I'm just far more broken inside than I ever realized.

cheating
No. I was not cheating. I was just doubling up. :)
» kKaMa67 on 2006-11-30 03:59:52

You are funny
I am being honest. If I were cheating I would not be telling you what I am doing. Some people use blog explosion, blogmad, and blog soldiers at the same time with 3 windows open. As for me I just use two.
» kKaMa67 on 2006-11-30 04:10:02

you there is a period between about 18ish and early 20's where you sort of lose yourself. It is so hard to grasp the possibilities of your future while still trying to hold onto what you've always known and loved. i've been there... some would attribute it to the major changes happening in your life (i.e. finishing highschool and going on to college and/or work), others would say it has to do with your chakras or the indecisivness of your libra nature and others still would blame it on hormones. i don't know it's source but it's not uncommon... and your smack in the middle of it. but the best advise i have is to make a decision and just do it, follow through. life is too short and too important for you to let it waste away already regretting what your doing. know that there will be better days.
i know that you don't want to make the wrong decision, thats part of what makes libras so indecisive but making no decision is worse, sometimes you'll be right, sometimes you'll be wrong but you'll never know the outcome if you don't begin to try.
» crochetmama on 2006-11-30 04:41:44

You are a libra?
No wonder you sarcastic bastard.
» kKaMa67 on 2006-11-30 05:48:29

yeah...
» crochetmama on 2006-11-30 06:09:17

Answer your question
I am not mad at you. And I will humor you, I am a scorpio.
» kKaMa67 on 2006-12-01 12:16:06

Forgot to add...
I am not mad at you but I didnt appreciate you calling me a jerk.
» kkama67 on 2006-12-02 01:59:27

Karma
If you got the same karma reading as me, the answer to the lost wallet question would be, "you would take the money and toss the wallet in the trash." ha ha. Come on now, it may not be the altruistic thing to do but we are talking cash here. :)
» kKaMa67 on 2006-12-02 02:23:16

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