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I am
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
Ganesh hates me
Wednesday. 11.22.06 12:57 am
Change of plans

If you can call it that.
My mom had her surgery last friday. She had an oblation on her liver. For those who have no earthly idea what's going on, which should be the vast majority of you, if not all of you, here's the skivvy:
Firstly this isn't something I share with many people, and this is an understatement. I'm not ashamed, or prideful, or anything like that. I'm just not the type to be all open to my troubles or my family's troubles with everyone. In most cases, the only place where I actually DO share anything personal is on a blog of some sort. Recently, I have been a nutang devotee, of course, though. But I just hate for people to start pitying me or trying to talk to me about stuff. Secondly, if I was open about all my troubles people would think that I was some sort of person that loves to be negative. The truth is that things are just rough with me and have been for a while now. I neither need pity nor misjudgements. So this is what's going on with my mom.
She was diagnosed with a tumor the summer before my junior year in high school, four years ago. After the operation it was found to be malignant. Since then things have gone horribly awry. Me and my mom have changed an unnatural amount since then. Here in Fort Worth there is only two cousins that have their own families. My dad lives in Minesotta. My brother then lived in Mexico with his family and the rest of ours. So it was just me and my mom. At first our church was there for us 24/7. This is when I realized just how much of a part of our church we were. But since then, my mom has, after MUCH chemo and treatments, gotten rid of the cancer. Then it's come back. And left. And come back. This last time the doctor told us that this probably wouldn't be something that would ever get better. This will just become part of routine until then. She's at level 4D. The most advanced. It's started in the colon, and now is in the liver. She's gone bald once, she's had a collapsed lung, she's gone through the emergency room because of a clog in her lung, she's vomitted left and right, she's been fine, she's been horrible, she's gone through hell. All the while she had two jobs. One is as a middle school cafeteria lady, where she has to do hard labor despite her condition because her manager thinks it would be unfair to everyone else. The manager gives my mom hell and tells her that she's using her problems as excuses. The other job that she had up until a year ago when the place shut down was at an arcade inside the mall.
She's done alot. She's gone through alot...

I don't have pictures up here yet just because I haven't had time to figure all this out yet, but if you'd like to see a picture of her you can go to my "dreaded" myspace. www.myspace.com/elessar257

So, she had her surgery.

And I spin on ice again.

I can't leave her. And I can't stay. I die either way.

I often go to my friends with problems because I often wonder if I'm not seeing all sides of something, or I fear I may be turning insane.
But I'm not mistaken. I'm screwed. There's no way I can turn. Not only am I screwed, everyone else is screwed as well. I've lost me. And I can't find my strength anymore. Things get foggier every day.
I feel like Bilbo in the Mirkwood Forest. He roams around in the pitch black, grasping at whatever he can, at random he'd see light in a distance. He would draw nearer and hear some sort of feast or banquet. But each time he'd get through the clearing, everything would go dark. As if nothing was ever there. No light, no laughter, no warmth. Was it in his mind? he wondered.

So, I'm lost. Maybe I should just stop searching. Maybe it's like that time I lost my mom at the mall. We spent three hours looking for each other. We were pissed when we found each other. It's not a big mall. Somehow we managed to keep missing each other because we were both walking around the whole mall. Maybe if I just sit tight long enough...
11 Comments.


Yeah.. the picture gallery doesnt work right now
» kkama67 on 2006-11-22 03:06:57

thanks for your comment. I like your layout. When I first read what you said I was like, "heyyy" but you're right, really. I definitely don't want what they have but I've been on an anti-relationship jag for 3 years now and I think it's time that it ended. I'd like to try to do more than just sit in my room and listen to life sweep by outside my window.
Maybe you feel that way, too.
» Zanzibar on 2006-11-22 11:18:33

maybe bring her with you?
» crochetmama on 2006-11-23 12:03:48

You asked for no pity
So I won't give you any. Or at least I'll try not to. I'd be proud of your mom. Gone through hell and still going at it. You can't leave her and you can't stay...maybe crochetmama's right.

I've never had a life-altering experience. I think I need one.
» The-Muffin-Man on 2006-11-23 01:53:26

lol no they'd probably taste like paper.


i'm w/ the muffin man on this one.
» darthkaylee on 2006-11-23 03:36:55

Yes, pie might be better.

You've really put things into perspective for me. Maybe you could just wait, like you said. The right thing might find you.
» sarah on 2006-11-23 06:16:23

Aww, thanks. :)
It was just silly things - nothing a good night's sleep can't cure...
It's just really weird to be finished school after 2804028 billion years!
» sarah on 2006-11-25 05:33:38

Some Keats for you, who has been long in city pent.
To one who has been long in city pent,
'Tis very sweet to look into the fair
And open face of heaven,--- to breathe a prayer
Full in the smile of the blue firmament.
Who is more happy, when, with heart's content,
Fatigued he sinks into some pleasant lair
Of wavy grass, and reads a debonair
And gentle tale of love and languishment?
» Zanzibar on 2006-11-27 11:07:34

I hope your mom's going to be okay.
Thanks for the comment.. I guess it'll be better to take your mom with you.
» Nuttz on 2006-11-28 04:42:27

yeah i replied on my own page lol

» crochetmama on 2006-11-29 10:59:20

Very true. Nightmares do seem to have a will of their own. It's especially bad when they come to life!

P.S. His name is Mister Frog because I needed the syllables! (Don't tell anyone!)

Also, because he seemed like a bit of a Mister. He was all black and long-legged and... sleazy. He looked like he was wearing a tux.

P.P.S. I like your new layout. :)
» sarah on 2006-11-29 11:14:19

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