I started work this week, down in the small, quaint town of Mosquitoes of Poison. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what state it's in. But, if you keep heading south, this is the only town located beyond the Mountain of No Return.

So, anyway, I'm working now as the sheriff of this town. Being the mighty warrior as I obviously am, I feel this job suits me quite well. The first two days went by painfully slow. I must've drank 4 gallons of "old-fashioned lemonade" (aka: dead horse's urine), as there was literally nothing else to do.

On Wednesday, though, at 7 in the evening, after mostly everyone had already gone to bed, a courier from the Orange Squirrel Tribe barged into my doors. He reported that 1023 warriors from his tribe had disappeared within the last 24 minutes. Then, he promptly vanished into thin air, thus increasing the missing count to 1024.

After hours of brilliant detective work, I finally traced this mystery to Gellibooma, the 8-stomached giant hog. Of course, that sly bastard denied everything. He even retorted with such lame lines like "You are accusing me with absolutely no evidence!" Well, duh, I thought, of course I have no evidence. I'm not a fl00ging magician.

Well, in any case, I proceeded to repeatedly smash its head with a basketball-sized rock until all the flesh became a pink, pasty substance (kinda like melted strawberry ice cream). Lo and behold, stored in his stomachs were the missing squirrels. I then hypothesized he held the squirrels captive in his stomach so they would eventually ferment into the nectar of invisibility.

"old-fashioned lemonade"
ew.
i have no idea how you come up with this kind of stuff. it's so ridiculously entertaining. hah, i love it.
» jamie on 2004-06-28 03:42:02

Shit, that sucks. You should have waited another 42 minutes. Then approximately 32 of the squirrels woudl have converted to 64 liters of invisibility nectar. With that, you could have snuck into the lemonade factory and closed production of dead horses urine, and had a cool refreshing glass of living horse's urine. Mmm, nothing better on a hot summer day.
» le_battement on 2004-07-06 08:53:30

listen up, buddy. if you have a problem with the lemonade, you're gonna have to take me to court. obviously, you have no idea what is going on in the world around you. what do you think that Dr. Pepper you drink is made of? sugar? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. and what about that "orange" juice? well, maybe that one is made of real oranges. the point is, Gellibooma was my husband and if anyone should get the squirrels in his stomach, it should be me.I was there watching over him as he slowly seduced the squirrels, even better than he had seduced me. I was there for him when acquired short term memory loss and forgot who i was every day. and where were you? drinking my lemonade, i see. I'll see you in court. great site, by the way.
» (68.40.58.114) on 2004-07-06 09:03:34

man, it's been a while
since I've been over here.
Nicely renovated. If it wasn't for the banner on syd's NuTang, I wouldn't have read this lemonade-infested entry.
If it weren't for you, I'd have these invisible nector squirrels asking me how the invisible life is, fearing nobody would like them for being un-seeable.

Good luck with the new job. =)
» invisible on 2004-07-07 11:36:52

Yeah..
Thanks for aggreeing with my idea! Do yoo think it's a great idea? Ha! Okay, hope its useful for some people! Byee!! ♥ Sha~Sha
» Sha_Sha (172.166.88.241) on 2004-07-07 08:31:52

hello again. i commented earlier. but i also wanted to let you know that splinter from teenage mutant ninja turtles was a fox. i feel you should spread the word, as you are a sheriff and you have also spoken with michelangelo. shank you!
» zalcotron (68.40.58.114) on 2004-07-08 06:01:16

I did that once.
» JINX!!! on 2004-07-08 08:03:58

brilliant!
That was a nice story. Tell me another one >)
» redintersectsme on 2004-07-14 01:27:34

Wow... I wonder why
it took me so long to go to your NuTang... Oh well, great story, it's very entertaining, much like absolutely nothing I write. Keep them coming.
» desertsnowstorm on 2004-07-22 01:20:28

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