You may be wondering why you are here, reading this crappy blog. Well, I'll tell you why! It's because you're a cheapskate. Birds of a feather flock together.

Don't be embarrassed by it, though. Don't ever be. In fact, though few people openly admit to being a complete cheapskate (I am one of the few), over 98% of the US are complete cheapskates.

Anyway, the reason you are here is because you are a cheapskate and you want to learn the art of surviving college as a complete cheapskate. Let me teach you this rare (martial) art. As the biggest and cheapest cheapskate on campus, I am a pundit on this topic.

The College Survival Guide (for cheapskates)
College is an expensive endeavor. Though your parents are probably paying for all of your college expenses (because you're a cheapskate), you should hold you weight by becoming the biggest cheapskate you can be.

In the cheapskate's mind, there are two types of expenses: necessary ones and unnecessary ones. A necessary expense is defined as a cost that is required to survive. For instance, housing and food are two necessary expenses. An unnecessary expense is not needed for survival. An example would be getting a haircut.

Your first step, thus, is to eliminate all unnecessary expenses. Don't get a bus pass (walk instead). Don't get haircuts (steal a rubberband from someone). Don't get a gym membership (do push-ups).

The necessary expenses are the problems. But, remember, as Sebastian Voltaire once said, there is no problem with no solution. Let me share some solutions.

Problem 1 - clothing
I assume you already have clothing. The objective then is not spend any more money on clothing during the entirety of your college years, while still increasing the size of your wardrobe. This is very easy to do!

You see, usually two times a year, many people come to campus to give college students free clothes. These benefactors all gather in the same room and put their free and new clothes on tables for college students to come and take. This is often called the cheapskate's christmas -- aka the career fair. Do not miss career fairs!

Problem 2 - books
College textbooks are incredibly expensive -- IF you buy them from the campus store.

Here are some tips for finding cheap textbooks:
- always buy your textbooks online
- use search engines that search for used books, e.g. www.campusbooks.com
- the cheapest ones are the low-price-edition paperbacks (aside: these books smell like gasoline, but who cares)

Problem 3 - stationary
For most pens, pencils, and the like, you can get them for free from the "cheapskate's christmas" events. In the beginning of the school year, you just need to go to some offices to swipe a few pens (e.g. career services office, registrars office). Or, you can always ask to borrow a pen from someone you know you'll never talk to (hopefully and see) again, and just conveniently forget to return his pen.

For paper, there's usually a box of free scrap paper by the public printers (public printers can be found in the libraries). If no librarian is looking, I think you're allowed to take fresh paper from the printer. When such an opportunity strikes, be true to your cheapskate heart and take as much as you can.

Problem 4 - housing
Try to sublet each semester. There two reasons for this:
1. the sublet price is cheaper than the original rent
2. you don't need to pay for extra months when you're not in school -- i.e. winter and summer months
If you're even cheaper than me (first, I give you my respek), you might be able to knock off this huge expense by living in campus buildings (like libraries). Good luck, my friend.

Problem 5 - food
Try and adopt the college student's lifestyle of going to bed at 3am and waking up at noon. This way, you wake up for lunch and, like magic, you saved yourself a meal.

EDIT: And, of course, hit the infosessions! (How could I have forgotten in my original post? I need to sharpen my cheapskate prowess.) Anyway, go to your school's career services website and look up all the infosessions. Infosessions are always in the evening and always provide free food (and maybe drinks). In other words, infosessions = free dinners. Note: oftentimes, multiple companies hold their infosessions on the same night. The infosessions with the best food are held by the investment banks.

If you must subscribe to a campus meal/dining plan, go for the cheapest plan. The most obvious reason for this is because the plans are extremely overpriced. It's much cheaper to eat microwaved rabid squirrels and grass salads.

Furthermore, usually the cheapest plan allows you one campus meal a day. In college, the dining hall typically operates like a buffet. A buffet = all-you-can-eat = a cheapskate's dream. There is like no security in a college dining hall, so just bring in your bookbag and purloin enough food for the coming day(s).

Well, this is all for now. I wish you luck in your ambitious and honorable goal of becoming a complete cheapskate. Remember, whenever you face the quandary of needing to spend money, take the time to ask yourself... Do I really need to spend money for this?

Do I really need to buy this CD to listen to this music... or can I download it?
Do I really need to go to the theatre to watch this movie... or can I download it?
Do I really need to purchase a legitimate copy of this software... or can I download it?
Do I really need to eat food tonight.. or can I download an image of it and print it from my roommate's printer when he's out of the room using the bathroom and then eat the paper that the image was printed on?

Comment! (7) | Recommend! | Rate! | Categories: college [t]

I have 2 amazing things to share with you.

First, is an amazing accomplishment. And, the amazing accomplishment is that I only did my laundry 3 times this semester! Next semester, I will strive to top that. I dare you to do the same.

The second amazing thing is a tale of 1 city... the magical city of San Francisco. As hardly anyone is aware of, I visited my friend, Mr. Chin, about 20 days ago, in the city of San Fran.

While in San Fran, I visited the very touristy spot called Fisherman's Wharf. Much to much disappointment, I encountered no peg-appendaged shriveled victims of the sea.


However, what I did encounter was a civilization of sea lions.


And, as we all know, sea lions are among the wealthiest creatures in this world. Who knows how they've come to gain such wealth? I think they're pirates.

But, anyway, my greed got the best of my judgment, and before I even knew it, I
was dressed up in a sea lion's outfit and had infiltrated their civilization. I followed the line of sea lion guards making their rounds around the main palace, where the king sea lion lived with his bevvy of sea lionesses. During the changing of shifts, I slipped past the main door and found myself inside the palace.

And yes! much to no one's surprise, the inside of this palace was the most ornate, ridiculously decorated place I've ever seen. Even more so than my dorm. The walls were made of gold, studded with diamonds, emeralds, and petrified mammoth feces. I instinctively ran towards the wall and started to rip out of pieces of gold and stuff it down my pants.

After I successfully tore apart 20 feet of gold wall, the guards caught on to my mischievous actions. I found myself in a very precarious situation. I was surrounded by an army of well trained sea lion warriors. These were the sea lion king's top lions.

One of the greatest battles of all time ensued.

I snapped so many sea lion necks. I punched my fist through so many sea lion chests. I gouged out so many sea lion eyes. There was so much bloody lard everywhere!

But in the end, I lost. I was brought to court and found guilty of animal abuse. By late afternoon, I was locked up in Alcatraz.

In prison, I met a mysterious young man by the name of Michael Scofield. I told him my sad tale and he listened silently, like a rock with no grooves. Then he looked at me, squinted, and said "What if I told you I could get you out of here?"

Me: "Break out of this prison?! That's impossible."
Fish (Scofield): "You see those walls?"
Me: "Yea."
Fish: "Those walls are 20 feet thick of solid concrete."
Me: "Okay."
Fish: "All we need to do is get to the other side of that wall and we're free."
Me: "I don't get it."
Fish: "Trust me. I just need to borrow your glasses and at 8:19 we will break out of here."

And then it happened...
The sun set over the Pacific and the moon came up. At exactly 8:19, a whale jumped out of the water (just as Michael had predicted by looking at his tattoos) and the moon light bounced off of the whale's left eye onto the right lense of my glasses. My lense then quickly heated up and created an energy field around itself.

Meanwhile, Michael Scofield took some dust from the prison floor and rubbed it over his chest. The dust and his tattoos caused a chemical reaction and yielded the rare gas oxyglycose nalaogen, otherwise known as "cute gas." He then in instructed me to hold up the energy field over the "cute gas" for 28 seconds.

At the end of the 28 seconds, Michael Scofield pulled a hammer out of his ear and a herd of rabbits popped out of the ground suddenly and began to eat their ways through the stone wall. He squinted and muttered "Perfect." I looked at him and said, "Carry on my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are gone."


After we broke out of prison, I returned to Ithaca. I swore to myself, though, that one day I will return to San Fran. I will return to the Fisherman's Wharf and get revenge of those wretched sea lions that have become the bane of my existence.

Comment! (14) | Recommend! | Rate! | Categories: adventure [t], college [t]