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do you know
Friday. 9.10.10 9:41 pm
do you know that its ticklish to hold a fish in your hand? or to just put your hand in the water and wait for it to be hungry and it will start nibbling your fingers. there are times when it feels so nice and when you are lonely, it's fun.

i am hungry now.

i have been feeling rather down lately. assignments, and results, and studies and family. everything seems to be dragging me downwards and there are no upwards at all.

my studies, i did a little change. i used to take accounting and banking subjects, which my dad insisted that i do. but this sem, i really can't fail anymore subjects and i took management subjects instead. i think i am going to tell my dad that i changed some of my subjects. just hope he won't kill me.

and the new subjects, because it's very new to me, i am learning very hard to get used to it and stuff. and when i see the exam structures and assignments and everything else, i almost cried. it was such a relief to know that i am not going to be entangled in twenty thousand numbers again and the stress level just went down. however, these subjects are super new and i need to work super hard to do it and that increased my stress level. i can't afford to fail anymore. one big part of my depression was because of studies and i really wish i have some anti-depressants with me right now. i would swallow like 5 at once to keep me moods a little higher. my assignment partner was pushing me like 20 storey down my mood and its not helping at all.

and then, my family. i am feeling very tired and i really wish i could run away just like that. but sigh, it's irresponsible and they seem to rely on only me. sigh. now, i am still deciding if i want to go home during the holidays and find a job there or just stay here and start working. they seems to talk endlessly about money and it's making us down. i can't stand it anymore. i really wish i am earning like big money right now so that they don't have to constantly think about that. i tried. i really tried you know. i took accounting because they say it's one of the big money making jobs out there but i got so entangled and i end up wasting more money. i tried selling all my old stuff online and that doesn't earn much because they are old stuff and i did do some buying and selling online too and it's not that good too as the income is never constant. i want to do part time and i scared if i fail my subjects, they would really kill me. like murder kill me. which is NOT FUN AT ALL. sigh....i just need a job and lots of money. i am tired. so tired of them telling me how everyone is evil and how everyone is spending too much money and how everyone is not helping at all. i am so so so tired. i wish i could kill myself. like really. i stayed on the 22nd floor and i could easily jump out of the window. but she is always there to stop me. sigh.

i really wish there is something to make me a little less depressed right now. bananas doesn't seem to work and swimming would only make me want to over-exhaust myself more. sigh.

i am happy when i am with her and she is always there to cheer me up. but i am scared there might be a day when she got so tired of it she decided she wants to give up. there are times when we say we won't do it but after that, we would still do it and said we can't help it, right?

and me being down is making her down too and i don't like that. it's my thingy and it's just wrong to know that my thingy is making ppl around me down. i don't want that. so i never dare say much to her. i can't afford to have her down. it will make me want to kill myself more, because of guilt. she should be happy. and there are times when i think it would be better if she met someone else, 'cause then, she would not feel so down when i am troubled. i am just thankful she is there when i am down and always around every time i feel like killing myself, even when she is dead asleep.

oh, and i have a super deep secret which i think i would just keep it to myself in the future. but now, i shall share it:

i can get drunk with only a can of beer. i tried finishing 1 can and i am down, feeling hot and unbreathable and start vomiting.

despite that, out of fun i still try down-ing a beer in 30 seconds because i really don't like the taste and i died after that. knocked out of 3 hrs. incredibly lousy drinking skills right? sigh. somehow, vodka doesn't kill me at all. but beer kills me so easily. sigh.

the end. i feel so much better now.

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