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Barren Illusion
"If the day and the night are such that you greet them with joy, and life emits a fragrance like flowers and sweet-scented herbs, is more elastic, more starry, more immortal- that is your success. All nature is your congratulation, and you have cause momentarily to bless yourself. The greatest gains and values are farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are the highest reality. Perhaps the facts most astounding and most real are never communicated by man to man. The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little star-dust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched." - Henry David Thoreau
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100 Star Wars Lines Improved By Replacing a Word With "Pants"
domingo, 28 de julio, 2007
E-mails can still be funny...

I find your lack of pants disturbing.

You are unwise to lower your pants.

Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

Phew! And I thought pants smelled bad... on ... the outside...!

The Force is strong in my pants.

Your pants, you will not need them.

You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.

I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.

In his pants you will find a new definition of pain and suffering.

Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's pants.

I think you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your pants.

Pull up! All pants pull up!

I've just made a deal that will keep the Empire out of our pants forever.

A disturbance in the pants. The last time I felt it...

Alderan is peaceful, we have no pants!

I sense the conflict within you. Let go of your pants!

These aren't the pants you're looking for.

That blast came from the pants! That thing's operational!

He has no time for smugglers who drop their pants first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

The pants will be down in moments, Lord Vader, you may start your landing.

Looks like someone's beginning to take an interest in your pants.

Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

Your pants can deceive you, don't trust them.

I want them alive. No pants.

Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your pants.

I am altering the pants. Pray that I don't alter them any further.

Away with your pants, I mean you no harm!

Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

The Pants are what gives a Jedi his power.

"Don't do that, my pants are dirty."
"My pants are dirty, too."

Luke, help me take these pants off.

I'm taking Captain Solo ... and his pants

Search your pants, you know it to be true.

Han'll have those pants down - we've gotta give him more time!

Look at the size of those pants!

We've got to get a reading on those pants, Up or Down.

You are part of the rebel alliance, and a traitor. Take her pants!

General Tarkin, I thought I recognized your foul pants...

I'm not in this for your revolution, I'm in it for the pants.

There's no mystical energy field that controls my pants.

Tell that to Jabba. If you're lucky he might only take your pants.

The emperor asks the impossible. I need more pants.

The pants can have a strong influence on the weak minded.

Will somebody please get this walking carpet out of my pants!

Curse my metal pants.

I only hope that when the pants are analyzed a weakness can be found.

Judge me by my pants, do you?

Search your pants, Luke. You know it's true.

So long ago, when all we had was our love. No politics, no plotting, no pants.

Your father wanted you to have pants when you were old enough.

He is most displeased with your apparent lack of pants.

I don't think the Empire had Wookiees in mind when they designed pants.

It appears you are to be the main course at a banquet in my pants.

You can waste time with your pants when your chores are done.

I seek an audience with your greatness to bargain for Solo's pants.

Jabba, please take these pants as a token of friendship.

I happen to like nice pants.

Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those pants!

I felt a great disturbance in the Pants.

Yeah, well droids aren't known for ripping pants off when they lose!

Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer’s pants, Lord Vader.

Though I never thought I would be smuggling pants.

Take care of your pants, Han. I guess that's what you're best at, isn't it.

Slimy? My pants this is.

Rear pants down... Argh!!!

Remember your failure in the pants.

See through pants, we can.

Great pants, kid! Don't get cocky!

Be mindful of your pants Anakin. They'll betray you.

Have you been in many pants?

I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my pants back home.

In my experience, there is no such thing as pants.

Only now...in my pants...do you understand.

Put Captain Solo in the cargo pants.

We have no choice, our pants can't repel firepower of that magnitude.

Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your pants.

The more you tighten your pants, the more star systems will slip through...

The pants are down! Commence attack on the Death Star's main reactor.

Yahoo! You're all clear kid. Now let's blow these pants and go home!

Pants, Luke, Pants!

Evacuate?! In our pants of triumph?

"You know of the rebellion?"
"That's how we came to be in your pants, sir."

Ten thousand!?! We can almost buy our own pants for that!

A tremor in the Pants. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old

At last, we will have our pants.

Commander, tear these pants apart until you've found those plans.

Leia: I love pants.
Han: I know.

No I don't think he likes pants at all. No I don't like pants either.

Search your pants Luke.

This little one's not worth the effort. Come, let me get you some pants.

Your pants can deceive you, Luke.

Chewie, pants won't help me!

You have paid the price for your lack of pants!

I sense a great disturbance in the pants.

I've got a bad feeling in my pants about this.

No more pants. I'm not going that way.

She must have hidden the pants in the escape pod.

That's funny... the pants don't look as bad from out here.

The pants go off in this direction.

It's against my programming to wear pants.

Yeah, I just got a funny feeling. Like I'm never gonna see my pants again.

You have taken your first step into larger pants.

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Ways to make David Banner angry
domingo, 27 de enero, 2008
All the reasons David Banner turned into the Hulk. My favorites:

1. Problems with flat tire

2. Nightmare

3. Thinking about either of his wives

19. Being pushed down a mountainside by a bigfoot impersonator

20. Dealing with a pesky operator in a phone booth ("I DON'T HAVE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS!!!")

22. Having a burning 2x4 fall on his head while trying to get the horse out of the burning barn

24. Being tied up and fed soup by an elderly Japanese woman who doesn't understand words like "You've GOT to cut me loose!"

26. Falling through a rickety staircase while trying to get to the drunk girl who is about to jump off the roof, and then finding that she's locked the rooftop door

28. Being placed in a dumpster by the two garbagemen who think he's a thief, and who don't believe him when he says "Hey! There are rats in here!", and then being bitten by the rats to add injury to insult

29. Having two mean football players snap wet towels at him and shove him into the steam room which they have turned on to full blast

33. Yelled at by a mean cop, and then having mace sprayed in his face by same mean cop

34. Handcuffed to a woman who is falling over the cliff

36. Somehow running into a bear trap

38. Placed in a small room with a ravenous black panther

40. Falling into the churning water of a boathouse, and then inexplicably being repeatedly carried over the paddlewheel

42. Listening to ultrasonics

44. Kicking over a beehive and then being surprised when the bees are mad at him

47. Being stuck in a cab in New York rush hour traffic - "You don't understand, I have to be there by 4:00!" - "Hey, mac, it's rush hour, we ain't gettin' there til five, so relax." - "BUT I HAVE TO BE THERE BY FOUR!!!"

50. Receiving a speeding ticket

52. Locked in a drunk tank with a crazy person who insists he is Ernest Hemingway and then beats the stuffing out of David

56. Somehow getting himself into a bellfry and then realizing that a bell is there, just as it strikes the hour

68. Being placed in a cage with an angry gorilla

73. Being chained to a truck while his friend for the episode has been taken inside the trailer by the natives to be punished under the rites of La Culta de Cabeza Chocolata

75. Beaten up by all the other prisoners in the work camp, in the middle of the night while he is trying to sleep, when he emphatically told them not to beat him up that particular night

78. Being thrown under a New Orleans Mardi Gras parade float by a mean guy in a gorilla suit who gives David a few kicks for good measure

83. Being mistaken for mob boss Mike Cassidy, who looks exactly like him, and who everybody wants to beat up, so that David is repeatedly beaten up for no reason

89. Being trapped by McGee in a back room, and when he tries to run away, bashing his knee, crashing into a backboard, and doing generally klutzy things culminating with falling down the stairs and crashing into a giant flower pot

90. Being hit by a car and knocked twenty feet so that he tumbles down a conveniently open manhole

101. Punched out and thrown in the cactus bed so that David can thrash around on the cactus, even though he has plenty of avenues of escape

106. Being fed poisoned sushi

108. Having several clay pots broken over his head in the middle of the now-burning room (why is the room always burning?), and then knocking an entire case of same clay pots onto same head, and then, while lying very still and struggling not to get angry, having his pants catch fire

112. While paralyzed for the episode, somehow getting caught in the middle of a barroom brawl, and while trying to quietly wheel himself out of the room, being hit by a flying body and knocked down the stairs (what David is even doing in such a situation goes unexplained)

116. Somehow being caught under a rockslide, and then foolishly exposing one of his hands on the mountainside so that a big, heavy rock smashes it

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Also known as fancy hobo tomato soup
martes, 22 de junio, 2010
I made some bootleg gazpacho for lunch tomorrow, because it is really really hot and I am also really really lazy. My recipe:

  • Cream of tomato soup
  • Diced tomatoes
  • Diced onions
  • Minced garlic
  • Canned mixed vegetables
  • Lemon juice
  • Black pepper
  • Hot sauce
  • Whatever the hell else herbs & seasonings you like

Throw everything in a pot. Be so bootleg as to not even own a mortar and pestle, instead using a wooden rice paddle scoop to crush the victuals. Refrigerate overnight, then figure out how to bring soup to work that doesn't involve a huge-ass thermos.

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100 Facts About Me, Part II
miércoles, 26 de junio, 2013
Okay one fact per post was a little weak. But here, am I not truthy?

002. I used to like the color blue, and wear practically all blue, until I saw one of my friends wear all blue in high school and then I thought, "Wow, is that what I look like? I look like a fucking idiot." So now I like gray, because of Arrested Development's tricky gray area.

003. My sport is volleyball, but nobody airs it on the TV channels I have except the free Chinese OTA channels that stream games from China. I used to watch tennis too, but then...

004. When I first got Internet access, I read jokes everyday for about a year. Look, it was the 90's, there wasn't much online then besides porn, chatting, and emailing and it was all on dial-up. Don't be so judgmental, Judgy McJudgerson. Anyway I can almost guarantee that 97.654564897% of every time, I will have heard the joke or some version of it that you are going to tell me.

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100 Facts About Me, Part I
martes, 25 de junio, 2013
Sorry for being a giant and late disappointment, random citizens of the Internet (but especially those who challenged me, undisputed and dave). I shall post one fact about me per entry in order to force myself to post more often and to finally finish the fucking list which is actually the main reason why I stopped visiting because I wanted to post the whole entire list as my next entry but when I didn't finish I was feeling hell of ashamed and oh god, why didn't I just come back and post something else because I missed this little community and I'm sick and tired of being a faceless cog in giant SNS's that isn't Facebook and omg this is hell of run on and stream of consciousness but actually tumblr is kind of cool because gifs

001. Contrary to popular belief, I am not a robot.

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