I sometimes wonder ... just how much he still loves her ...

My curiosity is going to kill me one of these days. I become insanly curious about something and for some reason my mind doesn't rest until I find or figure stuff out.

The thing I'm referring to now, though, the things I think about actually make me physically sick to my stomach. I haven't thrown up or anything {I can't; not unless I'm very drunk or have a virus} but I have the strong urge to. I can't eat because I'm afraid I will actually puke. Occasionally I will force myself to eat in hopes that maybe puking would make me feel better. Either way, though, I still don't throw up.

Jake keeps asking me what's wrong and I'd love to talk about it, but how am I supposed to if even just thinking it makes me feel that sick? What am I supposed to do when/if he answers the questions when/if I finally ask?

I'm afraid of the truth ... although for all the truths that I've been afraid of before, nothing has been as bad as I had originally thought.

This one, however, he'd either lie about to spare my feelings or it would cripple me. I don't know if I'd be able to recover from the answers that he might give.

I try hard, insanly hard sometimes, to block these things from my mind, but random acts or statements will trigger them and then the sick feeling comes back. Sometimes it's because of simply not having enough to distract my mind from wandering away. Other times it's triggered by something he says. That's when it gets hard. I have to pretend I don't feel as sick as I do. I have to put on a show ...

He knows I'm not comfortable with him talking about certain things, but every once in a while something will slip and I have to put on a face, a show, so that I don't make him feel bad for something that is beyond his control. He's only human, things slip; and I'm not expecting him to be perfect or even close to it.

I just don't want him to feel bad about saying something that's on his mind or not tell me something that's on his mind for fear of upsetting me or making me feel ill.

My issue here is, I want to talk to him about these things. I want to ask him questions and I want him to be honest about the answers. But the answers he'd give me would hurt. They'd cause me a pain I would have trouble recovering from. Even with him there to comfort me ... Talking about these things is just the same as requesting or demanding the pain to be brought on.

Now, another dilema. The answers he would give me, would not be suprising. They would not catch me off guard; at least the underlying action. They'd be expected because that's how it is with most people. I don't know why it bothers me so much ...

Maybe because I'd like to know and feel and believe that I'm the only one ... It would make me feel special. I already know I'm special simply because I'm incredibly lucky enough to be with him. Ugh, now it just sounds like I'm being greedy. Wanting to feel more special than I already do? I repeat, ugh.

Why does this shit have to be complicated? And why do I have to complicate it that much farther?

I kinda wish he still read these ... maybe then he'd be able to prompt me rather than having to wait for me to build up enough courage to say anything. That might take an eternity. Something we certainly don't have.

Although, he probably knows what I'm talking about just as much as the next person who comes by and reads this.

{btw, yes there is a good kind of pain. it all depends, though, on who you talk to and how they handle it}

Anything especial.
I think, that you have misled. clomid 50mg It is remarkable, rather valuable piece buy amoxicillin In my opinion, you on a false way. tramadol online It only reserve, no more kamagra jelly The authoritative point of view, curiously.. cheap valium 221339
» Barney (212.192.237.5) on 2010-09-06 07:06:25

Also what as a result?
Logical question buy alprazolam Paraphrase please buy phentermine online You were visited with an excellent idea adderall weight loss Correctly! Goes! order allegra I advise to you. cheap diazepam c7a523e
» Carlos (221.1.96.22) on 2011-07-09 08:45:39

Name.

URL.

[to enter your email, use "mailto:[email protected]"]
Subject.

Comment.

Word verification.

Copy the first 4 characters only.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.