Monday. 3.17.08 2:57 am
March 18 is a special day for me. It's the day my mother conceived me and brought me into this world.
I don't have anything planned, and I've learned not to expect anything... It only leads to disappointment at the end. Yet, even as I say this, if anything, I've always wanted a 'surprise' kind of a birthday. That would make my heart happy. It really really would. I'm not much of a party person (it's just not me), and it takes a whole lot of persuading to get me to go out on my own unless I really want to.
I am more comfortable around a small group of close friends than a big group of acquaintances. It just feels more genuine to me. But again, I don't expect anything at all. I don't have many close friends - I think I can count them on one hand - and even then, we're all just too busy. Besides, It's just me. And the birthday year isn't at all eventful. Yay 23, halfway to 46.
I guess I'm just being selfish. But I only have one birthday a year, and this year, I just want to feel a little love in my heart. Not that I haven't received a "happy birthday" here or "more power" there during birthdays past, but... I don't know. As sappy as it sounds, I just want to smile a genuine smile of happiness that comes from feeling loved by those around you.
Maybe I'm asking for too much. Or maybe I'm just setting myself up for a reality check. Anyway, I'm glad a I wrote about how I feel. It helps me relieve some of the tension that has welled up inside me regarding March 18th.
But honestly, thinking about my birthday is making my eyes water. It's supposed to be a happy day...
hopefully it doesn't end up sad.
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