i got a letter in the mail from Scripps Medical Center yesterday with all my test results. everything is normal. well, obviously not since my BP was through the roof just 1 week ago and my ankle and foot were grossly swollen, but at least my liver, kidneys, etc. are not about the give out on me.


i still have to follow up with my doctor, and then i'll get a referral for the weight loss specialist/endocrinologist. we'll get to the bottom of this, hopefully, eventually.


it's good to feel somewhat normal again and not be worrying that i'm going to spontaneously combust at any second.

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well, my pee-in-a-cup results showed that i have a urinary infection, so now i'm on antibiotics for the next few days. on top of everything else.


still no blood test results back yet. but apparently i'm getting a referral to a nationally renowned weight loss specialist/diabetes specialist/endocrinologist. we don't even know what the hell is wrong with me. we just know that i've gained 50 pounds in a little over a year. sure, i go out more than i used to, but not 50 pounds worth.


fuck it. i'm going to karaoke tonight. i miss having fun, and i'm sick of laying around, sleeping and moping.

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listening to: hammock

mood: scared


i spent from 930am until about 2pm today at the doctor's office, the lab and the hospital.



background: my ankle and foot started swelling for no reason about a month ago. they would deflate a little bit, but it never completely went away. i finally sucked it up and went to the doctor.



i arrive and they weigh me -- since my last visit (a mere 2 months ago), i've gained another 10 pounds. my blood pressure was also through the roof - 160/110. at that point, i lost it. i cried while waiting for my doctor, while talking to her, while getting my blood taken, while peeing in a cup and while getting an ultrasound done on my legs (to check for BLOOD CLOTS).



so now we wait for the results. and i cry, continuing to worry about what the hell is wrong with me. i was supposed to go on a girls-only road trip to vegas for the weekend with some girls from the bar, but i bailed. i was too drained and exhausted at the end of it all, and i'm too worried and scared to even attempt to have fun. my feet are now starting to hurt because of the swelling. i can't wear any of my shoes besides my flip-flops (thank god i live in SoCal).



i'm terrified right now.

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mood: achy



my doctor has put me on a diuretic for 10 days in order to help with the swelling and high blood pressure. i picked up the prescription yesterday and took the first pill at about 10am.



i swear, i must have peed 20 times yesterday. since 6am today, i've already peed 3 times (and it's 11:22am, not the 2pm that's on this entry - i'm on the west coast). i just took my 2nd pill, and i'm going to try and keep track of how many times i pee today. it might be amusing. also informative to anyone who may have to go on a diuretic for high blood pressure or edema (swelling).



this will be TONS of fun when i go back to work tomorrow, for sure.

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i spent a good hour crying my eyes out yesterday. why? because i had attempted to go clothes shopping. needless to say, it did not go well.



everything i tried on either didn't fit, made me look deformed, or made me look pregnant. not that looking pregnant is a bad thing. you know, if you ARE, IN FACT, preggers. which i am not.



is going out to gilly's 3 nights a week good for me? probably not. but i'm trying to make changes in other areas of my life - how i eat, etc., and i just seem to get puffier and puffier. i'm drinking a lot more water. i'm cutting WAY down on my sodium. i only drink diet soda and skim milk. i'm obsessed with nutrional labels, and try to buy things as low-fat as possible. give me the nutrional info for a random food, and i can tell you how many WeightWatchers Points it has.



i don't know what course of action to take, and i won't until at least november, when i have my first appointment with the specialist. should i not be eating carbs? eating ONLY carbs? eliminating wheat? dairy? or is it a hormonal/thyroid thing that i'll need to be on some medication for, for the rest of my life? do i need to just stop eating altogether and jog 14.26 miles a day? i have no fucking idea and it's driving me mad.



it's discouraging. i look in the mirror and want to cry, hurt myself...i just...don't know anymore. i HATE what i see. i HATE myself. i haven't hated myself this much in a very long time, and i don't have high self esteem to begin with. i have all these people in my life, who like me, love me, want to hang out with me...and i just keep asking myself WHY? why would anyone want to be associated with someone as hideous as me. i'm back to the highest weight i've ever been in my life. it wouldn't be quite as bad if i was a pretty, big girl. i know a lot of full-figured girls who are GORGEOUS. and they walk like HELLO, I AM YOUR DREAM COME TRUE, worship me like the goddess i am. i am not that lucky. i don't even look like myself. i am warped and hideous.



really, i'm fucking intolerable.



and i want to do something about it. i want to try. but i don't know what i can/can't/should/shouldn't do, and considering how messed up my health has been lately, i'm scared to fuck it up even WORSE by making changes to my diet, etc., that end up being the wrong thing to do, you know?



one of the things i've wanted most, and always have wanted most, in my entire life, is to be skinny. maybe that's messed up of me, but growing up as the fat girl (and having a gorgeous, skinny older sister), it just became an obsession. an unattainable, golden prize of an obsession.

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through a link courtesy of halfofus.com, i took this mental health quiz. it told me that i may be suffering from the following 5 "problem areas":



Suicidal with Major Depression

Social Phobia

Agoraphobia

Alcohol Dependence

Anorexia Nervosa



HAHAHAHAHA. that last one makes me laugh so hard. i am 5'5" and now up to 210 pounds, i don't think there's any chance of me being anorexic. have i exhibited anorexic behaviors? yes, as well as bulimic, etc. that's been the story of my life since i was about 9 years old.


alcohol dependence - that's a touchy subject, since my father's a lush. i've had some problems in the past (due to depression), but have always dug myself out of it. at this point, i just like to party with my friends.


and the suicidal with major depression, social phobia and agoraphobia...???


i have been on this earth 32 years. if i haven't killed myself yet, or gone too far over the deep end, i think i'm alright.


this coming from the girl who has been officially diagnosed with depression, panic attacks, obsessive compulsive disorder, bipolar type 2, and borderline personality disorder.


yeah world. you can't get rid of me that fucking easily. i'm a resilient bitch.

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