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sincerely
Sunday. 3.10.13 3:24 am

I got to see two of my favorite men, tonight, and it was awesome. On my drive back down to college, my friend who just transferred A THOUSAND MILES AWAY called and asked what I was doing and where I was, because HE WAS VISITING OUR CAMPUS AAAHHH. I drove 100 miles per hour (my car likes that, anyway, I think) the whole rest of the way down, showered at the speed of light, and was over there in no time. I was so glad to see them both. Just...ahhh. After spending the whole week holed up at my parents' houses, waiting for plans that never came through, it was such a relief to be around people who just kind of...see me. You probably know what sort of feeling I'm talking about. Like taking one big, deep breath and exhaling right away.

I'm still not sure about one of them--whether we've been dating or not (while driving, tonight, I realized this, and told myself, "YOU REALLY NEED TO ASK ABOUT THAT, HOLY COW"). We've been out twice, alone, and he's taken care of the costs twice. But then, like I said in my 100 fact challenge, lots of friends just randomly do that for me. I've learned to do the same.

Loving my friends came up like that vomit you thought was just an innocent burp. I'm constantly surprised, after coming home on nights like tonight and thinking to myself, "I really do love these people."

I miss my talks with the monster. People bring him up, and I feel myself start to shut down, emotionally, because maybe I'm not ready to deal with all of it. Or maybe I am dealing with it, but I just want to keep it to myself. Being private with these things isn't bad, I don't think. My best friend knows all about the initial shock, and sadness, and utter fury (because that man is beyond thoughtless and full of himself, sometimes) that came with...well, January as a whole. And that's as much as I really want to flesh these things out with anyone, you know? But I miss talking to him. As difficult as it was, sometimes...there were moments that made it worth all the trouble. Just after sunrise, one morning, when he fell asleep on my legs while I talked about how bizarre the rapid changes in my family life were--I think about that, when I think about what I miss. That's what I miss. Just being comfortable and accepted. Being young with him. I wish I could have that back. It's something I don't have with my other friends, probably due to the changes I've been through, in the past couple of years.

These things take time to repair.

This week:



1 Comments.


Ah yes, the speed-of-light shower. I am familiar with this maneuver. I always feel like I miss something when I have to do that though.

Also, "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand"-- classic.
» randomjunk on 2013-03-10 05:40:42

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