"You can't come back expecting people to be the same as you left them," I told him, my left hand playing with the collar of his blue button-down. In his state, he didn't realize the darkness of my statement. On the surface, we were both talking about my lack of expectation, coming back to him; beneath, I was excusing myself from the changes he'd failed to notice in me.



I was told that I was "just glowing," tonight.

There were a few weeks when I was a wreck. No one knew how to help me, which really sucked, because I did need to be fixed.

(It wasn't over a certain person, in case anyone out there reading this is someone I know personally. That was 1) an expected and quite planned explosion, and 2) easy to get past, since I wasn't attached (regrettably, perhaps).)

(But I was kind of sad, for a couple of days, over that particularly.)

I had a small support system, mostly consisting of a fairly new friend--Ben--who knew just what to say and how to react. I don't know what I would have done, had he not been ten minutes away. We're very platonic, but do end up inevitably spending a lot of time together.

So he spent a lot of time talking some sanity back into me.

--Also, he introduced me to a really good grilled cheese sandwich vendor.

Anyway. The point, here, is that I ended up pulling myself back over the edge of this giant, crazy cliff, albeit not without a good amount of help. I think the thing that really did it was realizing that I owned my life and my actions. It's a big responsibility, but at the same time very empowering.

Being so low, too, made me really see the good in little victories and moments. I stopped being so scared to try at things, which is how I beat my personal running record and started using the weight machines as much as any guy in the gym. If I keep going as much as I have been, I'll have a six pack by junior year.

A visible one.

On that same thread, I stopped expecting immediate results. Something about leaving facebook, instant messaging, and most texting made me expect a lot less to come instantly and without effort. (I write my close friends letters, now, and sometimes we talk on the phone for a few hours. It makes me feel much closer to them.) Now, I notice the slight increase in the firmness of my calves, and that's a huge victory. Even the ache in my upper back is a promising result. Nothing comes overnight--which is something I knew, on the surface, but never took to heart.

It's a shame that it took so long, but I'm just so excited for my day, tomorrow, even though it's going to be the most insane, busy day I've had all year. I still feel like a kid waiting for Santa, because I'm excited to see it all pay off, in a few weeks, whether it be through a paycheck (I'm currently working two jobs) or a good grade. I'm also very, very excited to go exercise, after getting off from my second shift.


I'm completely broke, and it doesn't matter at all.

I keep thinking I'll not get online as much as I do, but then I get on to watch something on hulu/netflix, or whatever. Which always leads to hours of everything else before one gets to what they'd intended to achieve on the internet.

I just haven't taken made myself exercise the patience to discipline myself and how I use my time. =|
» invisible on 2012-02-18 01:54:36

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.