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Tuesday. 1.17.12 3:28 am

While I'm awake...(disclaimer...I talk about a super duper mental disorder, in this episode. If you don't like riding in the Bummer Hummer, check on out of this page, pal)


I had this thing, with a friend of a friend, over the summer. It wasn't really a big deal--actually, it was kind of a dark, destructive time for me (so it's funny that I think back to it now, in a way, because I sort of self-destructed this past week--back to that in a bit), so it was a big deal in a different way.

I just needed something to NOT care about. I'm the type of person who doesn't get into relationships; I find the men who most desire the single life, and I get hung up on them, and they get hung up on me. And it's all very, very frustrating, sometimes, when I realize that the only thing different between us and a couple are the words "a couple."

So I needed to not care, for a while, and it worked out great. I had delightfully surface-level, minimal feelings for him, and there was absolutely nothing permanent or even semi-permanent about it. Coming into college, last semester...I felt freed of all that horrible weight, freed of that terrible feeling of instability.

Of course, I easily found my way back there. But, I've found that, now, I rear back from it more often. I remind myself that I'm exactly where I don't want to be, and I freak out, and I get mad, and I try my hardest, subconsciously, to screw everything up so I don't have to be afraid of the guy leaving, anymore. And I guess that I just wish these guys would realize that, when I get mad, and upset, and start pushing...it just means I'm developing real, concrete feelings (which takes me months, if not years), and that I DON'T want them to let me push them away.

But, of course, when someone goes absolutely bonkers and accuses you of avoiding her, tells you she's super upset, et cetera...well, you don't hear the things that don't come out ("I'm scared you'll leave and we won't be able to talk, anymore." "I might actually like you, which keeps me up at night." "I'm having a bad week and I kind of need you around to support me").

You mostly just hear that ringing in your ears that comes with being really, really mad. And the sound of some crazy wench trying to yell at you for no apparent reason. Or crazy person reasons.


Whatever. Problem two. As some of you might remember, I have this thing called Bipolar Type II disorder (IT'S OKAY, WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT). I'll give an example of the two polar sides when they meet:

I will become SUPERWOMAN, and I'll be furiously cleaning at an unreasonably fast speed, and I'll be laughing really easily, and then I end up laughing so hard that I collapse into tears and don't leave bed for two days because I'm so depressed.

Sounds fantastic, right?

Now imagine that happening on my way to WalMart, because I'm singing along to songs, and chattering happily to myself about things that are going on, and all the sudden I get a single and tiny piece of bad news (due to a miscommunication, I swear it).

Radio's off, MIND SHUTS OFF, I get to the parking lot and have to sit in my car for ten minutes because, SOMEHOW, THIS HAS TRIGGERED A PANIC ATTACK (which, FYI, makes Normal Unicornasaurus laugh, because it's SO ABSURD).

Now let's say this piece of bad news came from the person I'm starting to actually maybe like, romantically.

PANIC ATTACK + RECENT CHANGES IN FEELINGS + MORE PANIC ATTACK + CONFUSION + FEAR OF COMMITMENT + BIPOLAR EPISODE
= EXPLOSION OF RANDOM ANGER OUT OF NOWHERE.



I feel so bad about it! I screwed up, and I know it, and the worst part is just waiting for things to start blowing over so I can maybe bake this person some cookies and try to explain why even I would not get romantically-involved with myself. Not that we're romantically-involved (I'm not going to try to explain).

Aahhh why must this crazy live within! It's never affected my job performance, it's never affected my health too much, and it VERY RARELY affects my school performance (the former statements are most of why I'm able and willing to speak so openly about all of this)...it mostly just hits relationships, and hits them hard.

]:

So right now I'm trying to jump a depression episode hurdle, and it stinks. I'm kind of a sad example of a college student, hanging out in my room and praying no one notices that I'm suddenly a freakish, reclusive version of Unicornasaurus.

So yeah, hi everyone. That's what I've been up to. Hahahahahahaha.

OH ALSO, I MADE A FORT OUT OF MY ROOMMATE'S OLD BUNK BED.

IT'S AWESOME, I WISH WE COULD HAVE NUTANG PARTIES IN IT.

Okay bye!
5 Comments.


recently i had some ups and downs. and the craziest thing i did last week was to consult some online psychic about my problem.

BWAHAHA.
» renaye on 2012-01-17 10:22:07

very interesting.
I'm glad you can talk about it. People never talk about it and THAT'S what's crazy. I hope you can fix things up with your guy. Though I hope that you can also get to the point where you want to be in a relationship with a guy who wants to be in a relationship. :]
» Zanzibar on 2012-01-17 04:44:13


» middaymoon on 2012-01-17 04:55:52

< 3

I'm gonna start stalking you and making sure that boys know that putting up with your nonsense will be worth it in the end. PROBLEM SOLVED.
» middaymoon on 2012-01-17 04:56:12

The beautiful thing is that there are even people out there for crazy people. I have a host of issues, most all stemming from my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It has affected every aspect of my life and I've been called crazy so much in the past that it can be an extremely offensive term if directed towards me now. I am, in fact, at least partially crazy and my husband KNOWS this and loves me none the less and even tolerates it pretty damn good most days. But that's the amazing thing about love, when someone knows you enough to love you they learn how to handle episodes and they learn that the better they handle them the sooner they pass. It still sucks having to deal with them within yourself though. I'm always around if you need someone to complain about the "crazies" to :-)
» lyndeep on 2012-01-18 02:59:24

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