I guess I have this sort of expectation that's been holding me back for a while, now. The other night, I finally just outright admitted to Neb that, yeah, I've toyed with men a lot in the past. Partially, I feel like it's because they let me. But I know that I can be manipulative, emotionally. Never anything more. I don't lie knowingly with stuff like that.

I just don't.

On some levels, I feel like I never really admitted it to myself, and therefore didn't come to terms with exactly how weird it is, and how badly it needs to end. I find myself settling, a lot, for people who just don't fit the people I want to be with. And, at points, it makes sense that I date so many different, equally strange people...but on the other hand...

Maybe it's just my way of saying that I'm not there, yet. That I'm not ready to settle, and you can't make me. If you try, I stay for a while, but then it's full reverse.

This is what I think about on Sunday nights, around 12:48 in the morning.

At the same time, though, I feel like--if it had ever been perfect--things would have been different. That settling into a real, committed...thing would have been plausible. I may be forever changing and forever self-completing, but I think I could handle a complement. If a green-yellow ever did come along to my shade of raspberry, that is. If one came into my life and had the nerve to stay.

I'm in no rush to settle down. That's partially why I'm so excited to probably go off to an all-female college. It's really a chance for me to just stay away, for a while. If something comes along that's really worth it to me, I think I'll know. Because of the distance, and everything. If nothing comes along that feels worthy...it's better, that way. It will be a lot easier to just say No.

Maybe...my conscience just does a bad job at that? Learning when to say No?

Whatever. Regardless.

I think I've made my college decision, and of all birthdays to make it on, this would be the most ironic.

Well Happy Birthday! Don't forget to updat eyour age on here.

What is the college called?
» lyndeep on 2010-02-01 12:55:25

RE
I hope it turns out to be something like that so I can just have a round of antibiotics and be done with it lol. I don't want to have to take old people medicine either. I've never heard of all an female college, that's pretty cool. And it's Converse and Spartanburg..you'll have to dress like a spartan and wear chucks lol.
» lyndeep on 2010-02-01 05:50:35

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