If I could get paid for every time I cry or have a bad day I would be soooo RICH! I just cant seem to get out of the mood that I am in...I'm totally and utterly stuck and this is the suckiest thing EVER! I dont wanna be cheered up either...please dont try! I just wanna sulk..I wanna have my very own pity-party and provide my own tears...Thats all I want. When,dear friends, is this going to end...When oh when?!!?!?

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I cant tell you all the emotions that are running around in my head...keeping me from sleeping, feeling, caring, but it isnt keeping me from wanting...the one thing I wish I didnt do! I cant pick the exact moment when I made the choice not to care it just happened. I tend to worry over every little detail that doesnt matter and the ones that do, I push into the farthest corner of my life I can get them and hope that I can ignore it until I feel like dealing with it...which is never! Is it possible to just give up,the old fashioned way, you just go to sleep and dont wake up, or drink yourself to nonexistance, b/c if that is at all possible someone tell me how to do it. I dont know myself anymore and if I had to pick someone to be friends with it wouldnt be me. So then why do I think that when I want something the other person wants it too just like i do or even more so, but I'm learning that that's not always the case. In my case it's rare! So right now when I really really just wanna cry I'm gonna stop myself and think, even if it seems like it cant get much worse, it can and if i stay on the same road I'm on right now its bound to end up that way reeaaaal fast. I cant do this anymore....TODAY SUCKS!

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Well the two day student council conference in Elkland rocked my world!! I had soo much fun and laughed soo hard! I havent had a good time like that in awhile and I kinda got my mind off "some" things that were driving me crazy. My head is still spinning with lots of emotions thinking about the past few weeks and I just want to be happy and have fun and I know how that will get accomplished lets just see if I can focus myself to get to those goals! Well the conference like I said was awesome and I got to meet to ppl, hang with old ones, and be a totally
Weird-O for two whole days!! (not that thats much different from anyother day) So yah...Im gonna watch "Yours, Mine and Ours" tonite, party, and have a Hip-Happy St. Pattys day!! Hope you all do too!!!

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I shouldnt I shouldnt I shouldnt I shouldnt....CARE! But you know how it goes I do...OF COURSE! So my head is in this process of spinning really fast aslmost out of control. I went to bed last nite with these thoughts and now I wake up 10 hours later and they are still there....GO away thoughts!!!

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Its yet another day! This week has been up, down and in between but im spacing out from all the drama(or at least trying to)!! Im not mad or sad so I dont have much to write about but there are somethings that are just nagging at me and I cant put my finger on the exact thing...its just a combo of the past, present and thought of the future......I feel like putting out a big SOS!

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Oh what a day. I swear, my junior year I have been a magnet for mistakes. I have no one to blame but myself honestly and this sucks. Let me clue you in on just about how bad I have managed to screw things up,mind you there are somethings I dont want to change and some I would. Here goes....We all know about the beginning of the year, the bf, him cheating, the one night stand,and losing my "best friend" now it seems to just keep snowballing and this hill is starting to look more like a mountain! Then the next boyfriend came along and to tell you straight up there wasnt to much wrong with that...other than the fact that I am no longer talking to Meghan b/c of it but hey she's in Boston and thats a completely different topic I dont have the time or energy to go into. So then comes the hook-up which,lets face it,those are suppose to be the fun things welll instead of being fun it was the thing I did to piss yet ANOTHER friend off...but hey I cant blame her b/c she has every right to be mad and I have every right to wanna beg for forgiveness...but Im not. Then comes prom, this is suppose to be the highlight of you junior year and im hoping this train wreck slows down long enough for me to jump off and get picked up by some cowboy...yeah right! So i break it off with my date b/c if im laying it all out for you that whole situation was just not what i wanted and was spinning out of control. So then one of my closest friends from preschool asks me, now im thinking how fun, no strings and he will be a total blast and no worries about anything more than friends....welll his ex-girlfriend(another friend b/c we live in hickville USA) doesnt get that and is just a smig pissy about it, but thats not the main event. So then theres a guy, of course these all have to do with the opp. sex, and we are just friends we hung out ONE night as JUST FRIENDS...and now the nextdoor neighbor(another friend) is kinda pissed I heard through the grapevine b/c well shes liked him since forever and I knew that but get this little kicker.....she has been with her boyfriend for 11 months!! Now piece that all together and you get...Me one tired girl who is making a job out of hurting ppl and pissing ppl off which is not my intent! So GOODNIGHT and maybe some bed bugs will bite this bitch in the ass and give me the antidot for mistakes.

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