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thinking out loud
Wednesday. 1.14.04 7:14 am
listening to: the sounds of the furnace roaring
I am not having a good week/day...in spite of the fact that i slept all night ( Yay!!) I have been plagued by persistent thoughts of getting high again.... Rusty told me that to go into Zanies ( a local head shop ) would trigger me.... how do i tell him that i can't possibly be any worse off than i am.... In my head... i already relapsed.... so what the hell does it matter.... the only reason i haven't done it yet... is because i love rusty too much to let him see me that way....... i also don't want to lose him.... that is a powerful force behind why i stay clean.... i LOVE that man.... and i love my daughter..... If that is what i have to hold onto.... then that's what i've gotta do.... i am really good at ffaking things..... so maybe... if i just stay clean... and fake my way through all of this desire..... and just not use...... i'll be ok.
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