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Long held secret
Wednesday. 10.4.17 11:46 pm
I don't know if I should private this. I just think I should be honest with myself, with the world, and accept what is real so I can move on.
Today I took what I hope is my first step to freedom.
I have been in an abusive relationship. Some of you may have seen our pictures on various social media. We always look happy, I always look happy, but isn't that all we show publicly?
I just want to put it out there so I can't take it back.
Move on to freedom!!!
Wish me luck. Love you guys so much. xoxo Silver
I'm doing it again XD
Friday. 2.3.17 1:31 am
I'm doing it again, coming here when I'm sad. Lol?
This last year (after my last post) I completely forgot about this site. Terrible but true. I'm so glad it's still around! I'm thankful & relieved dave still keeps the site alive. Grateful for all my friends here & the connections we have, however tenuous but real. Thank you all for keeping me sane!
I've been trying not to think about my dad for the last year. He comes up unbidden & gently pushed to the back of my mind. Probably every day. 360/365? I debated in my head if I should go on vacation the day he died. There was a convention I wanted to go to that started on that day & I would have to travel the day before. In the end, I knew he would want me to go on with my life, have fun & new experiences. He's not here anymore. He used to say the rituals we do are for the living & the dead is already dead. I've had many new & fun experiences the last year. I've been pretty happy. I think he would be happy about that.
Today I looked on the Lunar calendar & realized I missed his Chinese birthday. It was yesterday. I felt really bad. I had known it was coming but I've been trying to avoid thinking of him so much that I didn't check in time. Stupid but what can you do? So happy belated birthday, Daddy. I miss you & I love you.
I'm going to update more here. I know I say it all the time but I really want to. I don't want to forget this place again. I want you guys to know I keep you all & this place close to my heart too. It was, is, & forever will be the one place I know I am safe to be myself.
NuTang is INFINITELY better than Facebook.
I think I have to start posting there too. Prove that I still exist. Not just to the rest of the world, family & friends, but also to myself. Kinda like keeping myself in check. I withdraw & lose time too often. I let days pass & honestly, I feel like I wasted my twenties. I'm almost 27 now but I've made no progress from 24. I feel like I just started my twenties & I'm ashamed I lost all that time.
It's really nice to be honest. To be able to be open about this...actually the first time ever. I don't even tell my "best friends" cuz I feel like they'll judge me. But I know NuTang is here for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
No, I'm not gonna commit suicide!
Lol, I know I sound like THE END cuz I keep saying Thank you. I'm just emotional!!!
More lolz, I just realized this is how people feel about Imgur. Ahahahahaha! That's pretty cool.
It feels good talking to you guys again. See you all again soon!
--Dotty/Silver/whatever you call me
Monday. 1.4.16 11:44 pm
In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart I hold a place
That only you can fill
I hold you close within my heart
And there you will remain
To walk with me throughout my life
Until we meet again
I miss my dad
Wednesday. 12.30.15 2:19 am
I miss having a dad. Not that I don't anymore but just that feeling of having both parents alive. We did not always get along. We had our good times & bad. But I imagined him walking me down the aisle. I wanted him there at my wedding. I dreamed of making enough money to pay for surgery to fix the damage from his medical problems. But I never got the chance. Never will. I miss my dad.
Sorry for always coming here when I'm sad. My dad's one-year death anniversary is coming up. Next week. Got a few days off. Don't know what I'm going to do with them.
I'm in denial
Saturday. 4.18.15 1:08 pm
Three months since Daddy _____. I entered a state of denial after we handed the apartment over. I can't look at the all photos I took that day so I transferred them to my laptop and deleted them from my phone. I don't think of my dad except in random spurts. I don't look at his picture as often and I don't check on his phone even though there are many notifications. I don't talk to him or about him.
Denial is a truce between me and Death.
I love you guys
Wednesday. 3.11.15 11:04 am
You are all very awesome and I hope you know that.
I'm coping pretty well. One of my dad's best friends told me I'm strong like my dad. Haha, I hope so! I cry sometimes but not constantly. In the beginning I was kind of afraid of people thinking I didn't care because I wasn't all over the place. I was busy being strong. I didn't want to be like that in front of other people. But I wasn't holding anything in either. I'm just like that. I guess I just fall apart slowly, piece by piece. The first few weeks I thought about him first thing every morning and last thing every night. I heard his voice in my head every day. I gave myself moments of release to cry when I was alone or in the shower. I didn't really cry in front of other people until after the first month.
Yup, it's been over a month now. Closer to two. This weekend marks the second month.
Over the past few weeks, I've upped my internet presence. I know, shocking! If anyone has my Twitter, you can see I've tweeted quite a bit. It's fun to make connections with orgs, devs, and fellow fans. It makes you feel like a part of something bigger, like you're really a part of this world. I don't use my real identity Twitter handle anymore, just my Silver handle. I think I should change the username. I don't want random strangers to stumble upon this blog. Cyberspace is getting scary and anyone can dig up stuff on you.
Any ideas? What should be my new Twitter username?
My father's sudden passing...
Saturday. 1.17.15 11:42 pm
...gas. HAHA. I wish it was that.
My father passed away on Tuesday, January 13th, 2015.
He had been ill for a while and was recovering at a rehabilitation center. He was improving rapidly and we were all planning what to do next. I was going to move back in and take care of him. I looked forward to spending more time together. The day he passed away was the day he was supposed to come home.
It was such a sudden decline and the next thing I knew the doctor was telling us to prepare ourselves. Too many things were going on in his body at once and he was just too weak. My poor daddy. It all changed in a day. The rehabilitation center sent him to the hospital and we met him there. He was in a lot of pain and fortunately was sedated by nightfall. He was gone before dawn.
I am happy to know I was able to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve and his birthday with him this year. We've never done that before. It's sad to say, but that's the truth.
My father is no longer in pain or suffering and I can only be glad for that. Rest in peace, daddy. I love you very much.
This was a fun weekend!
Tuesday. 10.14.14 8:41 pm
listening to: Lady Lady - Vision Wei Chen
Boy, did I hang out a lot this weekend! I'm starting to feel more like the young 20-something-year-old I am. No more boring domestic life that makes me feel like a housewife with the urge lash out at the unfairness of it all. I had friends come over consecutive days starting Friday night and we'd partaaay till the wee hours of 2 or 3am. My friends know by now that's how late they will leave when they come over. The night is not over until we start shushing each other at 1am and continue to pay no heed of the time for another hour longer.
On a completely separate matter altogether, are we ever going to get a mobile app for this site? Or at least a mobile friendly version website? My boyfriend has been pointing out books on app development for dummies for a while now. It would be interesting to try it out.
However, that means I really need to get my shit together if I want to be doing side projects. I've already started working on a Radionomy radio for ABC's. That is American Born Chinese which merely alludes to those of us of Chinese descent to happen to listen to more than just English or American songs. Don't worry I'm not a crazed Kpop fan.
Gotta get back to my schoolwork now.
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