its the middle of the day and its so dark in my room that i had to turn on a lamp to type. hah. thats so sad man.i dont know. i'm bored now. my good mood transformed into wasted energy which fed my boredom. not good. i was thinking which is never really a good thing and well, i dont know. jess is right. i think my period is going to start. *shrug* thats probably why i'm thinking this but i'm not going to write that down. i'm going to tell jess but thats about it. eh.

i wrote this a while back, not really it was last week and it was for nutang. i just never posted it.

ok crash time. i'm really tired now. i feel as if i should be going to sleep and its fucking eight oclock. now thats just wrong. i dont know. i crashed. i had a really sudden hyper high and now i'm crashing. it was like i was ontop of the world and now, i'm catching the memories as i float down to reality. hah. but i did have a good day. it began with coffee. moved onto donuts, had some good laughs, really good conversations. learned alot. then went home, had some nice food, relaxed a little, posted, listened to awesome music, woke up, had an amazing energy burst, high like none other. then i cleaned up the WHOLE house in record time, made plans that didnt fall through, but talked to a person i really like, even brief, had a cool dinner, and now i'm crashing. aka, coming down. i'm really enjoying this day. i havnt had a good day in a while, and this, this was nice. i really liked it. talked a little to jess, turned on my brain for a bit, i liked today. enjoyable.


i was laying in bed, late at night, the world was silent, my mind was buzzing, the velvet consumed me, and the darkness was my companion. it was nice. my thoughts weren't interesting yet, slightly revealing. its always something right? but, i'm terrified. horridly terrified. its scary, its tremendous, its life. there are childish things that plauge me at the moment, and they can only be anticipated yet, i thought i would never contract these, not this disease. yet, unfortunatly through my stupidity, i have, unknowingly contracted the insanity. i'm a contradiction. i hate being around people. i dont like them yet, sadly i strive for them. i cant be alone. i fear it yet, wallow in it. i love it and hate it all the more. i fear being alone, i fear dying alone, and i fear forever being in solitude yet, i cannot stand the thought of being out there, immersed in the world, immersed in the people, out of control. i cant. sadly i must quote the wicked (the mother) yet, "i am a very solitary person" i like my privacy. i like my seclusion, i like my delusion i can be happy alone. yet, i fear all so much. i'm not really alone. i've never really been alone. theres always some one there for me, whether it be a friend, a companion, or a belief. i'm never really alone. why fear it if it'll never come true. hrm....


hrm... i just reread that. i am scared of being alone but also, i like it all too much. the solitude. the quiet contemplation. the beauty of it. i like being around people. certain people. theres a time to socialize and do that thing, and then theres a time to be alone, and contemplate. the latter of course takes up most of my life yet, thats how i fashioned it, and thats how i like it. chilling with jess is awesome but the best part is that we go to barnes and nobles, and sit there in silence and dont have to say a word, go on reading our own books, and we're good. we dont need talking, or anything to be ok. around other people, driving in the car, you have to talk, instigate conversation, do something, not around her. its cool. its a form of solitude, with someone. we are very different independantly yet, the same in so many ways. we work well. its cool. i wish i could have that kind of friendship with other people but most people cant deal with just sitting there and not talking. just reading, or being. wasting time, yet, not at all. your in your mind, contemplating seeing the world, and another person is there, doing the same. i think thats why i dont like people. there arnt many people out there who have the same calm insides with the insanity outside, while hiding it by silence. jess is like that. i'm like that. we work. i want to find a person like that. if i ever find a person like that, then i probably would get married. i have this horrendous fear of marriage. but i think its cause of that. people dont click. if i ever find a boy like that. it'll work. what i'm hoping is that i never find that person. lol. no, what i wish exists doesnt. and thats cool, i accept man. so i'm never getting married. i havnt admited this, and this is a first. but yeah. that kind of person doesnt exist. not for me at least. thats why i have these stupid crushes, thats why. *shrug* tis life, isnt it. I like quiet people, geeky people, innocent people. but i also like intelligent hardasses who fucking own oveer me. yeah, jess fucking all the time just like, i dont know. shes right most of the time and i'm wrong. man, if i ever find a guy with jess's personality, i'm set. lol. whats sad is that i could never be a lesbian. ah, not my thing. i find boys awesome. ah. dude, awesome. but i can never find one that fits. not me at least. maybe that's the way its suppose to be. i'm to be alone. it scares me but so be it. i give in too easily. hrm. i'm a very cautious person. where i step, who i know, when and where i am vulnerable, i watch very carefully. i am not going to let another person ruin my life again. because i was vulerneable. because i loved them. fuck that. because i have loved other people. hard. i have pained. i'm not going to let that happen. there are things you dont do to another human. there are moral standards in which to abide. i'm not always the most moralistic person on earth but i do have principals. there are lines you dont cross, and things you dont do. i learned them the hard way, but at least i learned them. the lessons i have been taught have been amazing experiences that have shaped who i am today. i am not a little girl, but i'm desperatly trying to hold onto that lost childhood. let me be a kid. i am immature, stupid, emotional, and girly. but you know what, i didnt get that chance before and i'm making up for the past. Inside, deep down, i am a very quiet person. i dont say a word. i contemplate everything, and there are morals there. yeah, deep down, they exist. and thats me. but on the out side, no... that side of me, is for me, and for anyone who can get close enough. i'm suprised that anyone can get there. jess, she knows it exists, she may have even seen it ocasionally, but, for the rest of the world, no. i like to act stupid and ditzy, i use to way too much. i've toned down and am more me, yet, i want to be stupid, and inane, and immature. and what not. i want a childhood for as long as i can. fucking harry potter, jimmy neutron, i want to be a kid. ah, this has no point. its just a ramble. but oh well. i dont know. i think i just want to break through. i want show my self to someone, but theres no one there to show. i dont know.

enough of this. its getting too scary. *shrug*

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