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Intense Babble, Have fun.
Tuesday. 4.20.04 8:57 pm
mood: contemplative

Its quiet contemplative time in priscilla world again. its a time for reflection, assesments, and conclusions. i dont know. i was talking to my sister and she said something about somebody being weird and i was like "i'm weird." and my mother chimes in because shes been listening to the whole conversation and says "your not weird, you try to be weird but your not." and the tone, the words, the look on her face, really caught my attention. oh i know this. but then again dont. but the way she talked to me, or told that to me, the way i tell things to other people. "your not really sad, you just like to be..." or "stop trying to make people laugh, your fine the way you are" i watch people and i like to see those things in people. its a hobby. and my mother did it to me. i know for sure i am chalkful of flaws, hypocritcal ones, shallow ones, stupid ones but i like to ignore my self, i like to ignore the fact that I exist, or atleast these problems do. i acknowledge that they are here, exists, and live but i try not to focus on them. theres a deep seated hate for myself somewhere in there and if i look for my flaws then i usually stumble upon this deep resivior of self hate. i dont like that. but my mom telling me like that. that really got to me. hit me. she knows so much that i think she doesnt know but then again knows so little as to what i really am. i tried for a while to let the real me out but all i really did was hide it more with what i wanted to be and not with what i really was. Today talking to this kid, well we came upon the subject of how i am really never the real priscilla. i've been myself infront of one person. well two counting my self. jessica and me. thats it. shes the only person i have ever felt just comfertable enough to be just me. of course there are parts of me even she didnt see but she knew that they existed, that they lived just underthe skin, and i didnt have to bring that part of my self out. man. one person in my whole life. sad but true. i'm always a certain person for everyone. i adapt my self to them to make them happy and keep out of conflict. i admit underneath i guide them to where i want them to be, where i choose for them to be and then i'm satisfied. there are different types of friendships out there and by being a certain person you can create anyof those friendships. well most of them. and in school, every "person" i am is to create a certain type of friendship, mostly to get them off my back, entertainment, or i just like the person. i enjoy the person's company and some of those "people" that i am, are much much closer to the real me then others. people to i want off my back, they know NOTHING about the real priscilla. people for entertainment, a little closer, keeps them entertaining. and then people who i just enjoy their company, yeah, alot closer to who i really am. i tell those people things that i dont tell most people. If you really look at it no one really knows me. (with the exception of jessica who i will always hold dear to my heart) they dont know the history, the things that have happened. People everywhere have bits and peices, but never the whole story. i like it like that. i hide my self yes. i am incrediby fake, yes. i also let on more then i think, yes. but thats me. thats how i function. i grew up striving for attention where there was none to give. i am a very quiet person, i like to be solitary. i dont like most of the people out there. but after my upbringing i have become a talkative attention hog. when i was a kid, i desperatly needed attention. i never got it. so i found other ways to get it. i learned how to entertain, how to adapt my self to different people, i learned how to hide the real me to survive. thats why i'm like this. life can be an interesting place at times. people can be interesting at times. people will do what they do to survive, and then those traits become habit. i've gotten ALOT better since oh i dont know seventh grade but then again, old habits die hard. this is my own fault. but i dont know how to live anyother way.

i dont want to think about this anymore. so i wont.

my two interesting people have dropped back down to one. i think the second was just a stupid i dont know what to do with number one so i'm going to create something so i can get this one kid out of my mind. yeah that really worked. haha. i dont know. its not bad to like a person. nope. but the way my life works is that i always like the interesting ones that are impossible to get. its a safety zone because i know i'll be rejected so i never have to commit to anything. but its just fun liking the kid, i have fun. all the other people arent interesting enough. and plus of course i like a challenge. all of my ex's were challenges that i wanted to see if i could get. sad but true. i honestly liked most of them. but liking someone and giving them your heart, not the best thing when they know it. its safer to just be friends and have them not know. that way, bad things dont happen. pain doesnt ensue. i dont know. priscilla- caution. i almost began to brake that cycle with jessica's help. but shes gone now, and i stopped that. plus that persons interesting level plumeted when i didnt see him, EVER. i'm content with this right now. i like it. its fun. and anyways i have a whole life to live that holds who knows what? why change?

thats stupid of me to say, but its easier than saying that i will change.
3 Comments.


Yeah! There are different types of friendships! I just figured that out a few weeks back. Remember that thing that I told you about guys and you said something to me regarding that? Well, I think you were right. Btw, I think friends build up to true friends. See ya chica.
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