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Q&A: Why Is The World Suffering from International Crises?
Saturday. 4.14.07 7:50 pm
Disclaimer: Severe sarcasm follows.


Q: Why Is The World Suffering from International Crises?

A: Because we have failed to grant Tom Clancy his rightful position as President of the Universe.

For those of you unfamiliar with Tom Clancy, he is a semi-famous author of several military/espionage thriller novels. In fact, if you've ever watched the movies The Hunt for Red October (starring Sean Connery), The Sum of All Fears (starring Ben Afflek), or Clear and Present Danger (starring Harrison Ford), then you have already born witness to film-adaptations of his greatness.

And yet, these movies have often failed to communicate the true message behind Tom Clancy's novels. So, for your reading pleasure, here are summaries of some of the underlying plots of Tom Clancy's novels. I can't imagine why, but some say that he is a bit biased towards conservatism. Either way, you may decide for yourself.

The Sum of All Fears: If Israel would surrender control of Jerusalem to the Catholics, the entire middle-east crisis would die down. Once the Vatican replaces the foolish Jewish soldiers with good ole' god-fearing Swedish Aryan soldiers, the Jews and Arabs will drop their grudges and begin to frolik and laugh in the streets of the holy city (yes, that actually happens in the book).

Rainbow Six: Did you think that the recent increase in international terrorism was being caused by religious extremists? Think again! The teachings of Tom Clancy explain a diabolical scheme hatched by the environmentalists and genetic researchers of the world to incite worlwide chaos by sponsoring 4/5 of all terrorist acts. This chaos then sets the stage for the release of their genetically-engineered supervirus, designed to wipe the human race off the face of the planet (so as to prevent it from bringing further harm to the environment).

Clear and Present Danger: America's youth are being plagued by drug abuse! Invade Columbia! Send in commandos to covertly (and ilegally) assassinate any suspected drug lords in the country. This will raise the street price of the drugs at home in the United States.

Debt of Honor: We should have never trusted those dishonest Asians! Just when we were getting friendly, Japan develops nuclear weapons and then turns around and invades our holdings in the Pacific Islands! They disable our fleet and sink our submarines during joint naval exercises, passing it off as an accident. It takes all of our American ingenuity to recover from this horrible act of betrayal and regain our rightful territory. But damn, how could we have been so foolish?

If only Tom Clancy were President of the World... there would probably be no war. Well, none except for the awesome and patriotic kind anyway.

Thank you, that is all.
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3 Comments.


that's because tom clancy didn't run for presidency. if we, the world, didn't know.

and we have some people eating too many nuts running the presidency and controlling the balance of power for their own greed and stupidity.
» renaye on 2007-04-14 11:18:32

With Tom Clancy as world emperor, we'd probably have no problems with population overflow. :P
» randomjunk on 2007-04-15 12:48:35

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» Alex (41.217.220.138) on 2010-09-03 08:14:58

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