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The Art of Dark Sunglasses: A How-To Guide for the Novice Sunglassist
Monday. 2.5.07 4:46 pm
At some point or another, we've all felt it. That brief sense of admiration, or that sharp tinge of jealousy that comes from noticing someone who is significantly cooler than oneself. It is a psychological phenomenon universally manifested throughout all cultures of mankind, and according to recent studies is most often elicited by people wearing dark sunglasses.

A truly good pair of dark sunglasses will announce to the world "I know much of life and wisdom, but I'm sure as hell not about to share any of that knowledge with you." This is perfect for the average citizen who suffers from complete ignorance in regard to life and wisdom.

However, as powerful as dark sunglasses are, one needs skill and practice to wield them effectively. When not operated under the careful supervision of a trained connoisseur of dark spectacles, they can backfire and ultimately wind up communicating an accurate sense of your true personality (not a good thing).

Thus, out of pity for all the nude faces out there, I have decided to put together this brief guide to help you all avoid a few common rookie mistake and make the most of your dark shades. Please read carefully.

Lesson One: The Sunglasses

An integral part of your image will come from the actual sunglasses which you choose to wear. This decision presents you with two choices. You may elect to wear a simple pair of retro "dark" sunglasses (pictured on left), or you may opt to go for a more exotic pair of mirrored shades (pictured on the right).

<------------------->

WARNING: Under no circumstances should you attempt to wear sunglasses that contain even the slightest trace of a lighter color. This will be perceived by others as indicative of a meek personality (which we cannot allow them to realize you have). See example below.


Pictured Above: Kim Jong Il, tyrannical leader of communist North Korea.
The dictator's recent decline in popularity among Americans has been
largely attributed to his taste in eyewear.


Lesson Two: The Background Music

An integral part of the dark sunglasses experience is the background music. You may have noticed that in every movie which portrays cool people wearing darkened shades, there is always some sort of cool theme song in the background. Note the below example, from the movie Reservoir Dogs:


Adding background music to one's life is no easy task. Ideally, you would carry a boombox with you set to loop some sort of cool movie soundtrack. However, due to the impracticality of this option, most connoisseurs of dark sunglasses train themselves to enter rooms only when music is already playing in the background, or otherwise wait for someone to turn on some appropriate music before making their entrance.

Lesson Three: The Badass-Factor

The hardest part of the dark sunglasses act is to pull off the Badass-Factor, or "badassedness" if you will. Your dark sunglasses will make you look cooler, but its no free ride. In order to unleash their full potential, you're going to have to prove yourself worthy. The best way to do this is through some sort of bad-ass unrealistic stunt, or "Badass-Factor" as we professionals like to call it.

Below is an example of a good action badass-factor for novice sunglassites. Note the skillful incorporation of background music (as per lesson 2).


This concludes today's lesson. If you wish to learn more about the wonderful world of sunglasses, drop by your local movie rental and pick up a copy of The Matrix. Just make sure its the original, because the rest of the trilogy sucks.

Thank you, that is all.
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theZEBRA
4 Comments.


Recently I've been more interested in "badass" guys as you call them (my friend calls them murderous guys, I'm assuming we're talking about the same thing), but I never thought about the sunglasses thing.

I love how you put Kim Jong II in there. :P
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